“And what?” she prompted. “If there is something on your mind, then speak your truth now.”
Whatever else he had to say to her, she could take it. Already she had survived his scorn, his utter disdain, his complete disregard for her. Surely whatever came from his mouth next was nothing she could not handle.
“And I need you to know I am sorry.”
An apology had been the furthest thing from Caelian’s mind. But she would not be so quick to grant him her forgiveness. Time and again she’d witnessed someone grovel, plead, and beg, only for them to fall back into their same habits. For them to repeat their misdeeds despite apologizing for them. Change was not for the faint of heart. And if anything, Kjeld’s constant back and forth, his emotional highs and lows, his negligence of his own feelings, had taught Caelian that he did not yet know peace. His voiced claims were different from the silenced wishes of his heart.
“You’re sorry,” she repeated, rolling the words around. Planting her hands on her hips, she tilted her head to the side and studied him. “For what, exactly?”
Kjeld dropped onto the edge of the bed, cradling his head in his hands. His long strands of dark gold hair tumbled over his shoulders. Half of it was pulled back, and a few pieces fell loose from the braids into his face. “For everything.”
She almost pitied him.
Almost.
“That’s rather vague.” She reached for him without thinking, tucking a loose piece of hair back into one of the braids, and he grabbed her wrist.
He looked up at her from beneath a drawn brow, his thumb drawing lazy circles around the delicate skin there. “You have no idea what this has been like for me.”
“You’re right. I don’t.” But Caelian was certain of one thing. She was growing extremely weary of his sob story. It was always the same thing over and again. She stole his destiny. She robbed him of his fate. Forced him into an immortal body when she should have let him die. “Though maybe that is because you have refused to speak to me, much less be in the same room as me for any length of time these past few months.”
He squeezed her wrist gently, but the veins tracing his hand seemed to bulge with tension. “I will admit that conversation is not my strongest suit.”
Caelian scoffed. “An understatement, to be sure.”
“I amtrying.” He ground the words out.
“Are you?” she countered, yanking herself free from his hold. “Because it seems to me like you are trying merely to negotiate with yourself. Trying to convince yourself it’s okay to want to touch me and kiss me, when your mind is telling you I am the very bane of your existence. That I am the cause of all your hurt, all your suffering, all your trauma.”
She shook her head then, disappointment settling over her shoulders. That invisible weight from before, the one she thought she’d rid herself of for good, suddenly reappeared in the form of despondency.
“Just leave me alone, Kjeld.”
Caelian grabbed her satchel and turned to leave. She made it two strides away before Kjeld’s massive arms wrapped around her, dragging her against his chest. She dropped her bag as his hands captured her left hip and right shoulder, pinning her against him. He dipped his head, his breath warm against her neck, and her pulse fluttered wildly.
“I. Can’t.” His voice was scorching, ripe with agony. “I cannot quit you from my mind. You consume my every waking moment. It is unhealthy, the way I yearn for you. And yes, I do try and rationalize my obsession with you. Because I want to touch you. I want to taste you.”
Kjeld groaned then, the hand on her hip sliding across to her lower abdomen, pressing her into him even more, so his hardening length rubbed against her bottom. “Gods,min levska. The things I want to do to you.”
She squeezed her eyes shut, not wanting to listen to his professions, because not one of them stemmed from a place oflove. They all evolved from lust, and she would not be used to sate his hunger.
“But…” His voice sounded raw and pained. “I am sorry for all the wretched things I have said to you. I am sorry for my mistreatment of you. For being a selfish asshole who thought it only fair that if I was doomed to suffer, then you should be, too. It was wrong of me. Terribly wrong of me. And I’m sorry for it.”
It was interesting that all the times she asked him for his forgiveness, he ignored her. He refused to hear her. Disregarded her, relegated her to nothing more than dirt beneath the toes of his boots. She could do the same to him.
If Creslyn were here, her twin would tell her to make him grovel.
Make him beg.
Multiple times over for his poor judgment and complete disrespect.
But Caelian vowed to herself that she would step back into her starlight, and that meant becoming the bigger person. It meant owning her worth and value. It meant demanding fair treatment. But more than all those things, it meant shemustrelease Kjeld from her heart, before he ruined her body and soul.
Her spine locked into place, and she rolled her shoulders back. “I forgive you.”
She thought Kjeld might collapse against her. Relief poured from him into her, his body softening as he held her, so it was less confinement and more of an embrace.
“Thank you,” he murmured, his lips grazing her neck.
