I had trouble imagining Theo like that, limited and restrained. As long as I’d known him, he’d been spirited, magnetic and impossible to ignore.
“What happened then?”
“I felt amazing. I had this uncontainable energy. Everything was funny, everything held appeal. Books, music, people, ideas. Nothing could bring me down or scare me. I could function onjust a couple hours of sleep and still take on anything. I felt like the best version of myself.”
A knot formed in my stomach at his wistful tone. It sounded like an exhausting state to be in, but Theo spoke as though he longed to have that feeling back.
“But the problem was that others didn’t agree,” he chuckled mirthlessly. “Mom and Doug would say I was talking too fast, that I didn’t make sense, I was too temperamental, I didn’t get enough sleep, and I was ‘too much’ to handle. Where I thought I was creative, they saw me as chaotic. I felt strong, they saw reckless. I felt invincible, they saw delusional.”
“They sent you back to rehab?” I hazarded a guess.
“Right after I stayed up all night painting a giant mural on their dining room wall. I didn’t have paint in the house, so I had to improvise with permanent markers, different sauces from the kitchen, and Mom’s very expensive makeup.”
A startled laugh escaped me and I clapped a hand over my mouth. “Wait, seriously?”
Theo gave a quiet snort of amusement. “Yeah, she didn’t exactly appreciate that. But they said it was obvious I was manic and off my meds, so they carted me off again. That time was different though.”
Something haunted flashed in his eyes and he fidgeted with his hands. I glanced down and noticed blood where he was picking at little scabs scattered across his hands. Instinctively, I grasped both his hands in mine to stop him hurting himself.
Theo’s gaze darted to mine, scared and glassy. My thumbs started rubbing soothing patterns into the back of his hands and I felt the tension leach from his body.
“Tell me how it was different,” I urged him softly.
“They immediately upped my dose when I was admitted. I leveled out after a couple of days, but the side effects were worse and instead of only feeling dimmed, I felt hopeless. Helpless.Like I’d never be happy again. Like I was in a hole I had no hope of climbing out of.”
“Oh, Theo…”
“That was the first time I thought about it,” he whispered. A shiver raced down my limbs, dreading what he meant by that.
“Thought about what?” My voice was raw, shredded with emotion.
“About how nice it would be for it all to end…to just go to sleep and not wake up the next day. And I wanted it.”
I folded in on myself, a strangled noise caught in my chest. The implication stabbed at my chest, straight through bone and into my lungs to collapse them. I was sick to my stomach that Theo, my sweet, sunny Theo, ever considered leaving this world. Leaving me.
Theo’s hand cupped my cheek and tilted my face up, my vision blurry as I peered at him. I hated his concerned look, that he was even worrying about me when he was the one who had suffered.
“Did you ever…”
My throat pinched close and I couldn’t get the question out. It might break me to hear, but I needed to know how bad it had gotten for him. Theo’s eyes darted away, breaking our connection and I suppressed the surge of bile that rose.
“I had it planned. For those weeks, it was all I could focus on. I said all the right things in group therapy. I took my meds daily. I smiled and laughed and felt so at peace with my decision that I convinced myself it was the right call. Finally, they released me and I was free to follow through.”
“What stopped you?” Fuck, it hurt to speak past the ball of grief lodged in my throat.
Unflinching, Theo looked me dead on and gifted me with the smallest, beautiful smile.
“You.”
“What?”
“You’re the reason I didn’t go through with it.” He pulled his necklace out of his shirt, fingering my class ring. “You were wrong when you said that your promise meant nothing to me. Dawson, you have no idea how deeply your promise is lodged in my heart, in my fucking soul. The night I…was going to, I took your ring out and put it on. If I was going to go, I wanted you close to me.”
I squeezed my eyes closed against the onslaught of tears that flooded me hearing that. I felt wet trails down my cheek that Theo gently wiped away, but that only made them come faster.
“The ring was supposed to bring me comfort, but instead brought me clarity. I remembered what you told me the day you gave it to me. You promised to love me forever and that you were going to spend your life with me, and I…couldn’t do it. I couldn’t end my life when it was supposed to belong to you. I didn’t know if I’d ever be brave enough to see you again or tell you the truth if I did, but it felt so wrong to take away my future when you promised me yours. And every time those thoughts invaded, I held your ring and kept myself alive for you.”
“Fuck, Theo.”
