Hundreds of pieces snapped together in quick succession. Everything I thought I understood about Theo and his issues dissolved and I was left floundering. Weird, stuttering sounds came out of my mouth as I struggled to process four simple words.
“So…that means you’re…bipolar?”
“Yeah.”
“Is that the reason?—”
“Uh huh.”
I was reeling from this new revelation. A dozen emotions spun in my head interspersed with several questions I needed answers to. I set the bottle down on the counter with all the care of handling a live bomb, and scrubbed a hand over my jaw.
“Okay. This is a lot. First, let’s get out of this bathroom so we can talk.”
“You’re not leaving?”
My forehead creased at the surprise in his voice. “No, of course not. Why would I?”
He lifted a shoulder in a half-hearted shrug before dropping his gaze to the bottle on the counter. Tension radiated from Theo’s slouched frame and it hurt to see him so unsure of himself, so afraid of how I’d react. I’d jumped to so many conclusions that I’d only managed to drive him further into that protective shell he’d been hiding inside.
I gingerly reached out to grab his hand, relieved when he didn’t pull away from me. He didn’t look at me and his palm felt clammy against my own. I slid by him and led us to his room, gently steering him to sit down on the edge of the mattress before I wheeled his desk chair over for myself.
“I’m not even sure where to start.” I leaned forward on my knees and tried to gather my thoughts. “When did you find out you were…um…”
“It’s not a bad word, Dawson. You can say it,” Theo said icily.
I winced, but nodded in agreement. “You’re right. I’m sorry. When did you get diagnosed as bipolar, I mean?”
“A couple weeks before Homecoming,” he murmured.
“You’ve known that long?”
“Yeah. Remember when you started to notice I’d been acting weird senior year?”
His brows furrowed for a bit before they softened in realization. “I do. I couldn’t figure out what was going on with you…”
“You weren’t the only one. Dad had been worried when my grades started slipping, my sleep turned to shit, and my moods had been up and down every few months. He took me to see a psychologist because he didn’t think my ADHD was fully to blame for my issues, and he was right. When I found out what was actually wrong with me, I just couldn’t deal. I freaked out and ended up buying that Oxy on a whim.”
“Does that mean you don’t have ADHD then?”
“No, I do. I just have both. It’s actually common to have bipolar disorder and ADHD together. At least that’s what the psychologist said.”
“I’m guessing this is part of the reason you went to live with your mom out of nowhere?”
Theo’s chin dipped in confirmation. “Mom hadn’t known about the diagnosis before I ended up in the hospital. Once Dadtold her, she found some bougie mental health facility close to her place, paid out the nose to secure me a spot, and it was a done deal before I even woke up. She’d even decided I’d go to college close to her so she could keep an eye on me.”
He picked at his nails, staring absently at my knees as he spoke. His voice was detached, emotionless. Worry clawed at me that this was too much for him right now, but I also didn’t want to give him the chance to escape the long overdue conversation.
“Did rehab help at least?” I asked cautiously.
“It did…until it didn’t,” he answered cryptically.
“What do you mean?”
“That first time, I was there for four weeks. They were able to stabilize me, start me on meds, and got me into therapy. I did okay for a couple months after that, even got my grades back up while I did homeschooling. But I hated the medicine they gave me. The side effects were trash and they made me feel off.”
“Off how?”
Theo’s brows furrowed and he nibbled his lip in thought. “It’s hard to explain. It’s like experiencing the world through a pane of glass. Everything is muted and just…distant. Emotions, creativity, all of it. My brain was like a rapidly depleting battery and I was always tired. Schoolwork that I used to do in thirty minutes took me hours. I didn’t find anything interesting or funny anymore. It was fucking miserable, so I stopped taking them.”
