“Look, I’m not mad at you anymore for ditching us back then because I know you had your reasons, but you didn’t have to ignore me when you got back. And now even Dawson’s seen you a bunch of times, but not me. That’s not fair. I loved you too…”
Her accusation cut deep even though it was completely warranted. I had been so fixated on everything with Dawson that I got tunnel vision about everything else. I also hadn’t had the guts to face the people who were my second family for eight years. Their rejection would have been the final nail in my coffin.
“I swear, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I loved you too, Dani. I still do. I mean…fuck.” I choked up, guilt suffocating everything I wanted to say to her. I pinched the bridge of my nose that was stinging with tears I refused to let free.
“Did you think I’d give you a hard time or something?”
“No, that wasn’t it…”
“Then why didn’t you come see me?”
“I guess I was scared.”
“Of me?”
“Of you hating me too,” I admitted quietly. “I know how badly I fucked up when I left and that Dawson wasn’t the only one I hurt. I didn’t want you guys to hate me as much as he did.”
She scoffed softly and looked at me like I was an idiot. Which…was fair.
“Dawson never hated you, dingbat. He probably wished he could. He’ll never admit this to anyone, but he never stopped believing you’d come back to him.”
A burning pressure squeezed my throat and I worked to swallow past it. I kept shaking my head like refuting her words made them less real. It was too much to hope for that Dawson had held a flame for me all this time, a twin to my own. No matter what I did to douse it, it never went out.
“It doesn’t matter. He won’t want me back now. I keep screwing everything up.”
“So stop screwing up,” she said bluntly.
“Like it’s that easy,” I exhaled sharply, annoyance flaring.
“Uh, yeah, pretty much. You’re the only one who controls your actions, so do better. Self-fulfilling prophecy, you know?”
“What do you mean?”
“If you keep saying you’re a problem, then you’llbea problem. If you keep believing you won’t get him back, then you never will. You have such a strong fear of what could happen that you end up acting in ways that bring about the outcome you’re so afraid of.”
I chewed on my lip, weighing her words. It wasn’t that simple. It couldn’t be…could it? Fuck, what if she was right?
I thought about all the anxiety and fear I had about Dawson dumping me and hating me when he discovered the real reason I moved away and cut off contact. Except Dawson wasn’t the onewho left, I was. He didn’t choose to shut me out and block me, I did. His anger and hate had been a consequence of my own making with my secrets and lies.
I scrubbed my hands over my face roughly, the realization hitting me upside the head. I had been the architect of my own pain and I had no one to blame but myself.
“He deserves so much better than me, Dani,” I whispered defeatedly.
I cursed when a sharp smack landed on my arm. I gaped at Dani while she stared me down angrily, hands perched on her hips.
“Stop with the fucking pity party, Theo Bishop. Yes, you’ve messed up a shit ton, but you can work to deserve him. I’ve seen it before. Do you remember what I said when you guys were dating and really getting serious?”
I ran back through my memory, but came up short. I shook my head helplessly and it only seemed to frustrate her further.
“I told you to make sure you treat him like gold because there was a line of people who would gladly take your place if not, and you said?—
“—that I would never let anyone treat him better than I could because he was always meant to be mine.”
“Exactly,” she smiled smugly. “I might have shipped you guys a little too hard back then, but I still stand by it.”
“I’ve kept something from him though,” I whispered hoarsely. “And I’m terrified that if…when he finds out, he’ll see me differently. He won’t see a future with me anymore.”
Dani absorbed what I was saying, chewing on her bottom lip in thought. She then straightened with a determined look.
