“Or maybe he’ll see you clearer now and still love you like he always has. Different isn’t always bad, Theo. And if you continue to lie to him, you definitely won’t have a future with him, so really, what do you have to lose?”
“Dani, you out here?” Mr. Hayes called out from the back door. He scanned the backyard until his gaze landed on us, and the expression on his face was inscrutable. “Sorry to interrupt, but your mom is looking for you. Better go see what she wants.”
Dani nodded, but held out a finger for him to wait. She looked back up at me, her eyes pleading.
“You and Dawson are meant to be together. I know it. You can work things out, but you have to stop running and talk to him,” she implored. “Stop assuming you know how things will turn out. You’ve trusted Dawson your whole life, so trust him enough to love you through whatever you’re scared of now.”
She didn’t let me respond. She only hugged me again tightly before jogging past Mr. Hayes and back inside. My mind couldn’t even process what she’d said as Mr. Hayes closed the distance between us slowly. Nerves fizzled in my gut over what he was thinking and the urge to run was so goddamn strong.
I wasn’t prepared when he pulled me into his arms, gripping me in a hug that rivaled his daughter’s. I eagerly wrapped my arms around him, relief coursing through every limb of my body. There wasn’t an ounce of hate in his embrace and it healed a tiny fraction of me. He held me for a few more moments before stepping back, hands planted on my shoulders.
“I think that was long overdue, don’t you?” he smiled at me. “Emilia and I are glad you’re home, son. And I know your dad is so happy to have you back.”
I couldn’t stop the scoff from escaping, but the thought of anyone being happy to see me was ridiculous. He frowned at my reaction, but he didn’t understand the reasons behind my departure or even my return. If he truly knew, he’d be threatening me to stay away from his son and ordering Dawson to drop me like a bad habit.
“No offense, Mr. H, but that’s a load of BS. Dad only took me back in because he had to. I haven’t made him happy in a long-ass time.”
“Interesting,” he hummed, sticking his hands in his pockets. “That’s not the impression I got when he called me in December, so excited about you finally coming home. He’s been a miserable bastard since the day you moved out.”
That news hit like a slap across the face. “That’s not true.”
“Theo, you going to live with your mom wasn’t his idea. He told me he only agreed because she convinced him it was best. Your dad was so damn worried about you that he would have agreed to anything to make sure you were safe.”
Tears blurred my vision and I fought to make sense of it all. Something about what he’d said curdled my stomach.
“Wait…do you know about why I left in the first place?”
Mr. Hayes gave me a sad smile and nodded slowly. I suppressed the urge to vomit or scream, hating that he might have known the entire time how damaged I really am.
“How much of it?” I asked tightly.
“If you’re asking whether I know about your illness, I do,” he replied gently. “Grady has kept me updated on you every year you’ve been gone. I think part of it was to process what he was feeling, but Emilia and I also wanted to know how you were doing.”
“Seriously?”
“Of course. You’re as much our child as Dawson and Dani. Why wouldn’t we want to know?”
“But if you knew I’ve been back since December, why didn’t you tell them?”
“I didn’t think it was my place. You would have reached out to Dawson and Dani if you wanted to. But I’m...ashamed to admit that I also kept it to myself because I was nervous about what your coming back would do to Dawson.”
His face flushed at the admission, and my heart sank. I wanted to curl up into myself. Of fucking course he still wouldn’t want me around Dawson. He knew the truth about me, so there was no way he’d want that future for his son.
“Right. Makes sense,” I muttered petulantly.
“Now wait, it’s not for the reason you think. It’s not because of the overdose or your illness. You had just transferred into UT and were trying to get healthy again. Dawson had a football season to finish, scouts coming around, and a 3.8 GPA to keep up. I knew that any reunion between you two would most likely be messy and complicated because of how it ended, and I didn’t want either of you derailed by that. Neither did Grady. The codependent relationship you two had was manageable when you were younger, but you’re not kids anymore. There are very real stakes this time and a lot more complications involved.”
I knew I wasn’t good enough for Dawson, but hearing that both of our dads thought as much made my chest tighten painfully. I hadn’t noticed I was digging at the barbwire cuts on my fingers until I looked down and saw red. The pain grounded me and kept me from spiraling about how worthless and broken I was.
“I’m not saying that you and Dawson shouldn’t be together. I know you love each other, but you two have a lot of healing to do first. Being heartbroken as a teenager is one thing, but at this age, it can change the trajectory of your futures. It might sound dramatic, but people have ruined their lives over a lot less. We only want what’s best for both of you.”
I was only half-listening, dark thoughts crashing in my head like storm clouds. I had made the decision to try harder for Dawson, to commit to whatever pills and coping mechanisms I could to be worthy of him again, but what was the point if our own parents thought I wasn’t good for him?
“Gotta get home. Dinner time,” I muttered, whipping around and speed walking towards my house. I ignored Mr. Hayes’ calls for me to come back, his voice being drowned out by the negative screams in my head.
Every kind word I’d heard from Dawson’s friends morphed into criticisms. Dani’s encouragement twisted into sneers of derision. Mr. Hayes’ assurances of love mutated into animosity.
Logic couldn’t penetrate the toxic fog that was overwhelming me. I barreled into my room and yanked open the drawer I’d thrown my meds into. The rattle of the pills sounded deafening. Remembering all the side effects I’d suffered through each time I was forced back on the regimen made me want to toss them out the window. They had hardly seemed worth it when the meds didn’t seem to make much of a difference. All it had accomplished was anchoring me to a neutral setting where everything felt slowed down and lifeless. Bleak.
