Now I was sitting there in a bar listening to godawful karaoke, surrounded by my friends, trying to have fun aftera grueling end to the semester. Needless to say, fun was the farthest thing from my mind. Theo made it impossible. It seemed like he was everywhere. First, the apartment where my best friends lived, and now the bar where we came to hang out. It felt like he was invading my space and killing my peace of mind as I watched him with his shiny new toy for the evening. He wasn’t the same man from the apartment building, which somehow hurt worse than if he’d been Theo’s boyfriend. How many other guys were there?
The Theo I used to know wasn’t a player. A flirt, sure, but he was ruthlessly loyal and a hopeless romantic. You wouldn’t know that from how he was hanging all over his “date” while also checking out any person near him that caught his interest. Every few minutes, the guy yanked his face down for a messy, heated kiss that Theo returned so enthusiastically it made the beer I’d been drinking bubble and churn in my stomach.
This wasn’t supposed to hurt so much. Years had passed. I thought I’d moved on like I was told to, but every nerve ending was on fire. My brain conjured images of me stomping over, ripping Theo away from that handsy fucker, and reclaiming those sinful lips as mine.
But even as I thought it, I knew it wasn’t possible. He was no longer mine and hadn’t been for a long time. A bone-deep sadness sunk in, blanketing me in a heaviness that felt inescapable.
My friends were going on about summer plans and other things, but I couldn’t make myself focus on them. Breathing was taking all of my energy. My fingers twitched out a rhythm, dying for a release on ivory keys as they always did when I was stressed or overwhelmed. My gaze caught on a keyboard on stage, my mind made up in a split second.
I slid out of my chair and made my way up to the karaoke master, whispering in his ear what my plan was and fullyprepared to beg for the chance. I didn’t know if he was a Longhorns football fan who recognized me or if he could sense my desperation, but he let me skip the lineup without a fuss. I settled behind the rather impressive keyboard and set up the microphone how I needed it.
“Hey guys, um…I’m hoping y’all don’t mind if I change things up a bit for karaoke night,” I murmured into the mic. The crowd gave an eager round of applause, which helped settle some of the nerves rioting in my gut. I had a flicker of doubt that it was a mistake to do this right then, knowing what I’d be revealing to him if I did.
Like a magnet drawing me in, my eyes drifted up and connected with those striking blue ones that I used to get so lost in. My chest felt like it was caving in under the tension building between us and I knew he felt it too. I could see it carved into every line on his beautiful face. Our tether of fate couldn’t be cut, no matter how hard he had tried to sever it.
I filled my lungs with a steadying breath and then started to play. I’d played the Calum Scott song so many times since I’d first heard it that it was now ingrained in me. The words poured out of me as I flayed myself alive on the stage, my wounds exposed for all to see.
For him to see.
Lyrics of watching your former love kiss someone else while standing helpless and invisible in the corner dug into my skin like splinters. My sight once again snagged on Theo’s and this time, I didn’t look away. Some part of me wanted him to see my pain, my anger. He should know what he’s done to me.
That flawless jaw ticked repeatedly and his brows drew together as he held my gaze. So many unanswered questions raced through my head and I could almost fool myself that he heard them.
I sang of the distance between us, him being so far away while still near. The music was no longer my own. It came from a part of me clawing its way up through layers of resentment, hurt, and longing. I couldn’t control it. I was shocked I’d still been able to steady my voice and not miss a beat. Theo’s eyes were penetrating, and I felt the force of them through the haze of pain that was swirling between us. It was like a knife being wedged between my ribs.
My voice cracked on the last refrain, the truth of our reality crashing into me suddenly. Just like the song said, all I could do was say goodbye. This wasn’t a “hello again” or a sweet reunion. This wasn’t two lovers finding their way back to each other. This was a blip on our timeline, a passing moment I couldn’t hold onto.
I saw the moment he recognized the shift in me and his hand went to a chain around his neck, wrapping it around the object hanging there. My heart was pounding, breaking, shattering in the last chorus as I gave everything into the song. Years of memories flooded me in a beautiful, destructive tidal wave as I crooned the final notes before it all stopped.
It was as if time had paused to let the dust settle around us, like dueling pistols fired into the stillness and we were waiting to see the damage. Who drew first? Who was the first to fall?
People rose to their feet, claps and cheers filtering through the sound of blood rushing in my ears. All the while our gazes were still locked and I silently pleaded for him to hold on. To not let go.
Not again.
But he looked away and I was left bleeding out on the stage.
I shook myself out of my stupor and gave a small smile to the audience, barely aware of anything other than my urgent need for an escape. Everything was too much. The lights, the sounds, the stifling air. It saturated my veins and suffocated me.
I jumped off the stage and quickly headed for the back exit. I vaguely registered people’s praises and back slaps as I passed them, but all I could focus on was getting out before I broke completely.
I burst out onto a dimly lit backstreet that was thankfully empty save for a couple of parked cars. I fought to bring air into my lungs, feeling every thump of my heart against my ribs like a cannon shot. My fingernails bit into my palms, the sharp sting helping to ground me.
“Nice song, Mercury.”
My head fell back on a resigned sigh as the raspy timbre of his voice washed over me. His old nickname for me was both a caress and a slap in the same measure. He always did have a knack for sneaking up on me.
“Guess I should have expected the cold shoulder,” he mumbled when I didn’t respond.
A bitter laugh escaped me before I could force it back. Emotions warred within me, all fighting to the surface to break free. I spun on my heel to face him and fuck, it was a mistake. My mind whited out as my eyes crashed with those crystalline blues, so different from my own pale shade. The stubble on his jaw sparked memories of how it used to feel against my flesh. The lean muscles in his arms reminded me of how I used to belong wrapped in them.
But that was then.
“Why?” I croaked out. Of all the questions and retorts and scathing accusations that clashed inside me, that one word slipped free, weighted down with all the pain I still carried.
Theo’s face contorted ever so slightly and his guilt was easy to read. He knew what I was really asking.
Why did you leave me?
