The sight of Theo walking off with Corvin was hell. Out of sheer strength of will, I stayed put and managed to contain the fury and jealousy that stirred in my chest. It wasn’t anger at Theo for outing us to my friends because I didn’t really give a shit, but anger at myself for letting him get to me. I was a complete dick to insinuate that he was nothing more than an easy way to work through some confused sexuality or to even hint that Aly had taken his place. The hurt I’d seen on his face cut deep and knotted my chest painfully.
I couldn’t help it. Watching him arrive with Corvin, out of all the fucking people he could have met,had soured my mood fast. It wasn’t that my teammate wasn’t a good guy, but he was a major flirt and one of the only openly queer players on our team. He’d even tried his luck with me a year ago, but I’d turned him down. He was attractive, nice, and probably would have been a fun date and a great lay, but just like with anyone else that came after Theo, not a single ounce of desire had sparked.
“Okaaay, this awkward silence is great and all, but it’s clogging my pores,” Fin spouted. The sassy spitfire that Micah and his best friend Rhys had brought into the fold last year hadfit in seamlessly with our motley crew, so his lack of filter was nothing new to us.
“Yeah, and pointing it out is always a great way to clear the air. Good thinking,” Aly sarcastically replied.
“Uh, yeah? It’s like a verbal exfoliator, slutcakes. See? Awkward silence gone!” Fin snarked before she smacked him on the arm.
Their teasing squabble drew everyone else into the conversation, but my head wasn’t in it. I was wrestling with the urge to track Theo down and apologize, but that would only lead to me spilling my guts about things I wasn’t ready to say. About how confused and conflicted I really was, how damn hard it was being around him again, how it ate me up inside seeing him with someone else, how all the anger, regret, and resentment didn’t hold a fucking candle to how much I just wanted to kiss him again. To hold him.
To never let go.
“Are you okay?” Aly asked softly, drawing me back. “I know you’re probably ticked at him, but I really think you should go talk to him.”
I had a feeling this would happen once I came clean to her after we ran into Theo several hours earlier. Her face had practically turned red from holding in her barrage of questions and I’d cracked. She’d been sharp enough to put together the basics once she recognized him from karaoke night, so I just filled in the blanks. Now she was firmly “Team Thawson” as she put it.
“What would be the point?” I scoffed, still fighting the pull towards him that was ever present. “You heard him. He did nothing but antagonize me from the second he stepped out here. What would it help?”
“Dawson, you know him better than anyone. That’s what you told me, right? Don’t tell me you didn’t see right through that little performance of his.”
“What do you mean?”
“He’s hurting!” Aly cried. “The way he looks at you says it all. He misses you and he’s hurt that there doesn’t seem to be a place for him anymore. You proved as much when you didn’t even introduce him as afriend. Just a neighbor, some kid you used to know. And when you implied that we were together and you’ve moved on—dick move, by the way—he was crushed. You can’t tell me you didn’t see that.”
Bile rose hot and thick in my throat, shame coating me from the inside out. I didn’t want her to be fucking right, but of course I’d seen it. I could read every speck of emotion that ran across his face. Those bright eyes of his held every ounce of pain and longing that I felt in return. His hurt reverberated in my bones as my own. Years of distance couldn’t change that.
“Maybe you’re right,” I admitted quietly.
“It’s a common occurrence, or so I’m told.”
I rolled my eyes at her teasing and ventured inside to find Theo with Aly on my heels. It seemed to take ages just to make it back to my kitchen with all the people trying to talk or get me to dance. Even with years of being in the spotlight of most crowds, the attention still made me antsy and uncomfortable in my own skin. The extroverted mask I hid behind became suffocating quicker than most would believe.
Awareness thrummed through me, the sensation was one I’d know anywhere. A single glance was all it took to find Theo nestled in the mass of people, and the instant his gaze connected with mine, my heart seized.
Christ, he was still so beautiful. His muscles had filled out a bit with age, but were still lean and sinewy. He now sported a small diamond stud on his right earlobe and tattoos dotted hisbody when there’d previously only been one. The same one I had inked into my flesh to match.
His lips tugged into a breathtaking grin that short-circuited my brain, but there was something off about him. Even from where I stood, I could see the glassiness in his eyes and the slight sway in his body.
I grimaced when I noticed Corvin right behind him, trying to get his attention that was riveted on me. Theo seemed oblivious to Corvin’s hand on his arm while his own stretched out in my direction. Fuck, I could almost feel the brush of his fingers on my skin. I couldn’t stop my own hand from rising and seeking out his touch, like a magnet drawing me in. I quickly dropped my arm when I realized what I was doing, and a gentle tug on it stole my attention. My gaze swung to Aly’s concerned face.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” She looked over in Theo’s direction, her eyebrows crinkling even more as she studied him. “Um, maybe you should talk to him later actually. I think…honestly, it kind of looks like he’s on something. Corvin too.”
Hearing my worries more or less confirmed made breathing difficult. My breaths came in choppy as I worked to calm down, trying not to draw conclusions that made me want to rip my hair out at the root.
“I don’t—I don’t know if I can do this,” I whispered, my voice grated and hoarse.
Aly just gave me a sympathetic look and leaned up to press a small, chaste kiss to the outer corner of my mouth. “Only do what you feel is right, Daws. It’ll all work out. I have faith.”
Her words did little to soothe me. I understood better than anyone that fate was a cold bitch who turned hopes to ash and stole the things that mattered to you most.
“I need a minute. I’ll be back,” I told her and pulled her into a quick hug.
I darted up the stairs to my parents’ room on the third floor. Up here the thumping stereo and ambient party noise wasn’t as overwhelming. I burst into their bathroom and went straight for the sink, splashing cold water on my face and sucking in deep breaths. It did nothing to clear my mind, warring thoughts resounding in my head like dissonant chords.
I was angry at Theo, but I wanted him. It terrified me that he was back, but I was relieved to have him close again. I couldn’t handle the truth of what happened back then, but I needed answers all the same. I hated him, but I loved him even more.
Had I really ever stopped? Was that even possible?
