Two weeks down.
All in all, this place has been pretty nice. Swanky. Definitely better than the rehab Mom and Doug shoved me into, even though it probably cost the same.
The pool time I get is great, group therapy isn’t as bad as I thought it’d be, and the art and music therapy has been interesting.
But fuck yoga therapy. The only thing about me that’s flexible are my morals. Also, child’s pose put me to sleep and they frown upon that apparently.
I’m getting through it though. I haven’t really noticed a difference with the new meds yet, but Dr. Kay said it’ll take a couple more weeks to tell. I definitely feel more stable than whenI came in, even though the depression is still there, but it doesn’t feel so…big anymore. Like it’s no longer controlling me.
It feels like forever since I’ve seen you, but also like it was just yesterday. Time moves weird in this place. It’s disorienting to be cut off from the outside world like this. No TV, no phone, no social media. It’s as if my life has paused while I try to get my shit together, but the world is racing ahead without me…like I’ll have to run and catch the train back to my old life and there’s a chance I won’t make it.
But don’t worry, baby. I’ll always come back to you if you’ll wait for me.
Chapter 48
Theo
Journal Day 19
Mercury,
I had a dream last night.
I saw two little boys running through the woods, happy and laughing. Eventually I realized it was because I was chasing them. They seemed familiar the closer I got, but I couldn’t see their faces.
Then I heard your voice. You called out to me. The boys turned around and I thought they were us, but they weren’t. They were different, but I knew them.
They were ours. The best parts of us.
I think I know why I dreamed of them. Yesterday was rough…the hardest day I’ve had since coming here. I’m not sure why, but I was hit with so much doubt, wondering if all this was actually worth it, if it was worth putting you through this justfor the chance to be with me. Wondering if I’d only let you down again.
Then I saw them and I remembered what I’m fighting for. Not just a life together, but a life with them…the family we could have. I never saw myself having kids before. It wasn’t even something I thought I wanted, but I think I do. I want it all with you, Dawson.
Everything we could possibly have in this life, I want to give you. A home. A family. A love that never ends.
A life worth living for.
Chapter 49
Theo
Journal Day 28
Mercury,
Well, this is it. My last day. It feels like I’ve spent a lifetime here.
Dr. Kay thinks I’ve made enough progress to move to outpatient status a couple of days early. I personally think a little Christmas spirit went into that decision, but who am I to argue?
Is it crazy that I’m actually fucking terrified?
I tried so hard not to think of this day when I first got here because it seemed so far off, but the last few days it was all I could think of. I’ve had so many questions on my mind that I gave myself a headache.
Would I feel different when I left? Would everything around me feel different? Would everyone treat me weird or walk oneggshells around me? Would I lose all my progress once I wasn’t here? Would you be proud of me?
Would you still want me?
Will you still be there when I come home to you?
