As he strokes my cheek, his touch soothing, he continues, “But I had time to think about it, and we talked…” He trails off, a momentary pause as he gathers his thoughts. “I guess I was worried they would take you away from me. I was afraid of losing you. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I was scared that Clay and Xander would swoop in and steal youaway. I know they are both much more fun and experienced than I am.”
“Joshua,Dio, no, that’s not true. I—” I begin, but he interrupts me with a peck on the lips.
“I can be insecure too, you know.” He smiles at me, and it isn’t forced. It’s genuine and full of love. “All I want is for you to be as happy as possible, Carolina. As long as I can be by your side while you’re happy, I am happy too. Don’t promise me it will be us only. Promise me that it will be us forever,” he whispers against my lips, and I lean in to kiss him.
“Forever,” I whisper.
“Always,” he whispers back.
TWENTY-SIX
“Sit down,”Xander tells me from the couch while I walk in circles behind him, pacing, my nerves getting the better of me.
“I am never going to forgive myself if I ruined this for her,” I declare, pulling at my hair.
“You didn’t, and you know it. Josh is in. He told us that,” he insists, his tone void of any hints of emotion.
“He said it had to come from her, and I am not quite sure he is a hundred percent good with it. He only promised to try. Who knows what he thinks now that I fucked up again.” I urge, very aware that I did anything other than let her come onto me.
“It would have happened. You just sped it up a bit because you are impatient. That fact is not news to any of us,” Xander grunts out.
“Hey,” I object, stopping midstep.
“Come here,” he beckons, patting the couch beside him, and I comply. He takes my hand, stroking the back of it. “I can’t take your pacing anymore. It is going to be okay.” I nod, not really reassured. “What?” he asks. “What did you not tell me?”
Fuck, he knows me way too well.
“I didn’t use protection.”
He stares at me for a second, not blinking, then he shoots to his feet and explodes. “Are you fucking kidding me, Clay? Not only did you not give a fuck about our agreement, about how I would feel when you came home and told me, that you just took matters into your own hands, but you couldn’t even keep your head straight long enough to grab one of the many condoms we stash in our drawer?” His voice rises with each accusation. “Oh no, you couldn’t do that, right? Because then you would have needed to get into our bedroom, where I was sleeping. Because chances are you would have woken me up and wouldn’t be able to go there on your own to fuck her behind my back.”
His words hit me like a dagger in my chest. A mixture of desperation and remorse fills me, and I try to find the right words to explain myself.
“Babe, it wasn’t like that. She’s not part of our arrangement. You see that, right? She doesn’t count because she should be an equal in our relationship. We both should have our own relationship with her outside of ours. I just… I couldn’t stay away any longer. I didn’t even think about how it might hurt you. I couldn’t see that because I was so out of my mind.”
Xander’s expression remains stern, his hurt palpable as he replies, “Exactly, Clay. You didn’t even think about me at all.”
The weight of my actions hangs heavily in the air, and I’m left grappling with the consequences of my impulsive choices.
“You are right. We should have had this conversation before I did anything in the first place,” is all I manage to say, my voice just above a whisper, my eyes brimming with tears.
How come I can’t seem to stop fucking up all the fucking time?
Xander’s anger doesn’t dissipate entirely, but he relents a little, his expression becoming less accusatory. “Love, you need to understand how much this hurt me. We need to communicatebetter, especially when it involves someone we both care about. I need to know that you’ll consider my feelings in the future.”
Remorse weighs heavy on me as I absorb Xander’s words. I need to stop hurting the person I love so deeply, just because I am not thinking.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper, my voice trembling with regret. “I messed up, big time,again. I should have thought about you, about us, before I acted so recklessly. I know I hurt you, and I hate myself for it.” I gently touch Xander’s arm, seeking some form of physical connection. Thankfully, he doesn’t resist. “I promise you, from the bottom of my heart, that I’ll do whatever it takes to make this right. I’ll work on being more considerate, communicating better, and respecting your boundaries. You mean everything to me, and I never want to hurt you like this again.”
After a tense moment of silence, Xander lets out a long sigh, his anger and resentment starting to wane. He finally speaks, his voice softer but still tinged with hurt. “Well, at least we know we are clean. Josh is too. And since she was a virgin?—”
My mind is reeling from the sudden shift in the conversation, but I know Xander well enough to understand that he values actions over words, especially when we’re fighting. I will have to make it up to him by demonstrating how truly sorry I am and consistently considering his feelings in everything I do, which isn’t a hardship.
I love this man more than life.
Taking the out he gives me, I admit, “That’s not what bothers me.”
He nods, his now calm demeanor almost unsettling. “Seems like you need to talk about a lot with Carolina too. We take it as it comes. It is what it is.” He shoots me a look, and his words carry a mixture of exasperation and affection. “I learned to go with the punches since my boyfriend is not the smartest.”
