Just as Clay finishes his sentence, the door swings open again, and Josh stomps in. I only catch a glimpse of him going upstairs to his room, and I shoot Clay a look. He just shrugs. A few moments later, Josh returns with some clothes in his hand, already heading for the door again.
I can’t take it any longer, so I stand and walk down the hallway to him. The footsteps behind me tell me Clay is following suit. “Josh, stop! Please,” I insist, my voice quivering with frustration. “We need to sit down and talk. We can’t go on like this. It’s Christmas Eve, for fuck’s sake.”
Josh stops in his tracks and scoffs, his eyes blazing with rage as he turns to face me. “You want to talk? What would that help?”
Clay speaks up, his voice cracking with emotion. “We’ve never had a Christmas without each other. Can’t we just sit down and figure this out?”
“True, it’s Christmas Eve! How could I forget? Please, pull the knife out of my back so we can sit around the Christmas tree and hold hands.”
“Josh…” Clay is now standing beside me, and when I look over at him, tears are brimming in his eyes as he talks, his voice barely audible. “I can’t accept that I lost you.”
“What did you even lose?” Josh’s voice is bitter. “You lost a friend who wasn’t even that important to you in the first place, or you wouldn’t have let it come this far.”
“That’s not fair or true,” Clay’s protest is weak, and he has to bite his lips to keep them from trembling.
“Isn’t it?” Josh’s anger is palpable. “Then why does it feel like you didn’t think of me for a second while you ‘fell in love with her’? Huh? Maybe because you didn’t?”
Clay looks sheepish, his gaze falling to his feet as he takes a deep breath.
“And you?” Josh turns to me. “Do youreallywant her? Or did you just have to decide to do what Clay wants or leave him, and because you guys are codependent, you decided you’d rather lose me and join that pretty picture Clay painted in his head before you end up alone?” He huffs a bitter laugh. “Good choice because let me tell you, it is fucking lonely on the other side. But I’d rather be lonely than watch my back forever. If I were you, I would just hope that Clay isn’t going to get what he wants, or you’re going to be the next one he’ll cut.”
His words hit me like daggers, and I catch a glimpse of what he must be feeling. His eyes are brimming with angry tears now too. The clothes he collected from upstairs are clenched in his fists. I feel like our friendship is hanging by a thread, but words seem to escape me.
After a few ragged breaths, Josh turns, takes the few steps to the door, and utters “Merry Christmas” sarcastically before slamming the door shut behind him.
SIX
Sophiaand I head into the hospital. Even though it’s Christmas morning, it doesn’t feel like it. Sophia tried to lift my spirits by baking cookies and decorating the house, but nothing seems to help. I was taught not to cry—always told to be strong—but right now, all I want to do is break down. My heart is fucking heavy, and since I can’t cry, I just bitch about everyone and everything to Sophia.
She is a saint for putting up with me.
“Can you hold this?” she asks, stacking another present onto the pile I’m holding, freeing her hands to open the door to Carolina’s room.
Sophia wanted to add some decorations around Carolina’s bed, hoping to bring a touch of Christmas cheer while we spend the morning by her side.
Chiara is celebrating Christmas with Leo and his family, and honestly, I’m okay with that. Whenever I see her golden eyes, I’m reminded that my girl is not opening hers, and it’s torture.
As we walk in, I stop in my tracks. Xander and Clay are right there by Carolina’s bed, each holding one of her hands. Xander quickly lets go and shifts back when he notices us, but Clay just stares at me, defiance in his eyes.
I drop the Christmas decorations onto a nearby table and turn to Sophia, my frustration boiling over. “Why the fuck are they here?”
Sophia sighs and looks at me with a mix of concern and exasperation, her face not at all matching the cheery Christmas sweater she is wearing. “You boys need to talk this shit out. It’s Christmas. The girl you are crazy about is still in a hospital bed, not waking up. Have you thought that maybe she doesn’t want to wake up and see that she’s the reason our family is falling apart?” I give her a sharp look. “Imagine her waking up to find out she’s why you are fighting.”
Her words hit me like a punch to the gut. I drop my gaze, a wave of guilt washing over me.She would hate that.Really hate it. Maybe even think about leaving me so our family could be okay again. Of course, I wouldn’t let her, but she’d still feel bad.
I turn my gaze to Carolina, her unmoving form a painful reminder of how fucked up life is right now. The room is filled with tension, and I know I can’t keep avoiding this conversation. Even if it means we will tear each other apart before we go our separate ways. Either way, being in this limbo will not help anyone, least of all Carolina.
I take a deep breath. “You’re right,” I tell Sophia, and Clay sits up, looking at me in surprise. I nod to him. “We should talk.”
He lets go of Carolina’s hand, stands, and walks over to me. “Here?”
I give a half-hearted shrug. “Sure.”
Sophia takes the seat Clay just left and takes Carolina’s hand. Xander gives me a pointed look and then clasps Carolina’s other hand again.
“Listen, Josh,” Clay begins. “I get why you might think our feelings for her seem like a betrayal, but they aren’t. You haven’t even let us explain?—”
But I’m still so angry, and it bubbles to the surface before I can stop myself. “I wanted her first!” I blurt out, frustration and jealousy coloring my words.
