The renters Ivy has had over the last few years love the sense of nostalgia, and honestly, so do I. But if we’re going to be staying here long term, Millie’s place is going to need some upgrades.
My favorite room is Ivy’s childhood bedroom, which Sadie has taken over. Millie was a mean old broad, but she loved Ivy dearly and never took the emo concert posters or photos of Gillian Anderson and Willow from Buffy The Vampire Slayer cut out from magazines and taped to the back of the door. Now, those relics of Ivy’s teen years are accompanied by my daughter’s purple bedspread, purple stuffedanimals, purple shoes, and the purple glitter stars stuck to the ceiling above the bed.
I stare at those glitter stars as I lie back on the twin-sized bed, still trying to wrap my mind around my current reality.
I’m pregnant.And not just a little bit pregnant, either. Dr. Feld performed an ultrasound. That and measurements put me at eleven weeks, although I didn’t need a doctor to tell me that. Not when I can track the date of conception to a few minutes of lackluster sex on the eve of my thirty-fifth birthday. Knocked-up from birthday sex and I didn’t even come. What a damn gift.
God, I need to make sure I emphasize the importance of safe sex with Sadie when she’s older. I don’t want her to grow up to be as short-sighted as her Mama.
“Well, the good news is I got all the vomit off my shoes. The bad news is I had to use all the air freshener spray in Tennessee to mask the smell.” Ivy plops down on the bed beside me, nudging me until both of us are squished side-by-side in the bed made for one. “So. You’re pregnant.”
“I’m pregnant,” I agree.
“What are you gonna do?”
I squeeze my eyes shut, feeling an unexpected sense of déjà vu washing over me. Some time aroundeight years ago, give or take nine months, Ivy and I lay in this very bed and had the exact same conversation. Back then, there had been no doubt in my mind. I hadn’t meant to get pregnant. The Earl wore a condom, but it broke, and a month later I woke up nauseous and started peeing on sticks.
I was scared, but I was also excited. Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I wanted to be a mother. I had so many dreams. I wanted an education. I wanted to travel. I wanted to write a book on the history of country music, start a business, fall madly in love, but none of those things were more important to me than my dream of motherhood. From the second I knew of her existence in my womb, I was Sadie’s mom.
This time, I’m not as confident in my decision-making abilities.
“Dr. Feld said you have options,” Ivy says softly when I don’t answer her.
“I heard her. I’m still within the window to terminate the pregnancy, just not in Tennessee. I’d have to go out of state, Virginia or Missouri.”
“Fucking politicians. If men could get pregnant, you’d be able to get an abortion at a drive-thru with your goddamn morning latte,” Ivy mutters under her breath. “You know I’ll take you anywhere you need to go. Or I can stay with Sadie, though I’d rather bewith you. Unless you go to California, then your brother and Dottie Lynn can take care of you while I watch Sadie here.”
I tilt my head, pressing it against Ivy’s shoulder.
“Dr. Feld called it a geriatric pregnancy, Vee. Can you believe that?”
“It’s bullshit. Men can pump out viable semen on their deathbeds but a pregnant woman over thirty gets special names and treatments. As if your eggs are any worse just because they’re over thirty.”
I snort, placing a hand on my lower belly. When I was pregnant with Sadie, I never quite got over the weirdness of growing something inside of me. I loved being pregnant, but it was mind fuck. Even when I was trying to nurse before switching to formula because my milk supply was never enough, the whole thing felt very ‘Ripley’s Believe It Or Not’, and that same otherworldly feeling has been coursing through me since I saw the little white spot on the ultrasound an hour ago. It’s an odd dichotomy where I feel like a foreign invader has taken me over, but also like I’m the most at-home in my body that I’ve ever been.
Realistically, I shouldn’t go through with this pregnancy. I’ve just become a single mom, and my child’s father is absent at best and completely indifferent at worst. I shouldn’t willingly tie myself to theEarl for another eighteen years, especially when I’ve finally been brave enough to leave him. On paper, this is a terrible idea. On paper, the choice is simple.
But reality is a fickle bitch. She smacks you in the face when you’re trying your hardest to ignore her.
Since the doctor’s office, I’ve been waiting for the regret. For the despair. For the moment when my mind and my soul get on the same page and agree that another baby is a terrible idea, but it never comes. In the end, my soul wins out.
A sort of nervous sweat beads on my forehead and upper lip as I speak the words I know to be true aloud.
“Vee, I don’t want to have an abortion. I think…no. I know I want to keep the pregnancy. I want to have another baby, even if it is the Earl’s. Does that make me awful?”
Ivy shifts in the tiny bed until she’s on her side and pushes a lock of hair off my cheek. I turn too so that we’re laying face to face and push a leg between hers so we’re intertwined.
“No Lilah. You’re not awful. The beautiful thing about having the right to choose what you do with your body is that it isyourchoice. No one can tell you that it’s right or wrong. And if you want to keep the baby, then that’s the right choice for you.”
“Even if the baby’s father is an idiot rat bastardwho makes everyone call himtheEarl? I mean, what kind of father figure is that?” I sniffle, and Ivy wipes at the lone tear running down my cheek.
“Even if, babe,” she laughs. “And besides, your kids don’t need the Earl to be their father figure.”
“Every kid needs a father figure, Ivy. Even you had my dad.”
Ivy rolls her eyes.
“Alright, blowing past the part where that is incredibly sexist and self-deprecating since needing a father figure assumes that you and all the other single mothers and women raising children without a man in the world are not enough,” she gives me a pointed look, and I feel myself shrivel under her scrutiny. “The reason Sadie and little no-name in here don’t need the Earl is because they have me. I’ll be their father figure. You know I love your girl more than I love anything on this earth, and I’ll love this one just as much. I’m not going anywhere. If you want to do this, I’ll be by your side the whole time, just like when you were pregnant with Sadie.”
