Okay. You and Ivy have never had sex?
Delilah:
WHAT? No! What the hell? We’re best friends, and I’m married. Separated. Getting divorced. Whatever. When would we have had sex? And why????
Dottie Lynn:
Literally anytime, and because you two have clearly been hot for each other for years. I just assumed that maybe when you were younger or now that you live together…sharing a bed…
Delilah:
How do you know we’re sharing a bed?
Dottie Lynn:
You told me when you moved in. And your brother is working on the plans for the expansion. Since they haven’t started work on the nursery or the extra bedroom yet, I assumed you’re still sleeping together. And, you know, *sleeping together*.
Delilah:
We’re not *sleeping together*. I mean we’re sleeping together, but we’re not *sleeping together*. But I want to sleep with her. So help me. How do I do it?
Dottie Lynn:
While I can see why you would come to me in a situation like this, since your only other friend is the subject of this conversation…unfortunately, I am straight. I don’t know if I’m the best person to discuss your nerves about eating pussy with because I’ve never done it, nor have I had the impulse to try. I can start a group chat with my friend Georgie if you want? She’s bi, so she might have some better input.
Delilah:
Do NOT start a group chat with any of your friends, Dottie Lynn! This conversation stays between you and me. I had to listen to you and my brother dry hump through a very thin wall all through high school. I heard things I can never unhear because of you, so I think you owe me this. And I’m not asking you for cunnilingus advice, you fucking weirdo. If that were my only concern, I’d just google it. There has to be some kind of forum or online course that will teach me how to eat a woman out properly without making an idiot of myself.
Dottie Lynn:
I think the pregnancy hormones have made you a little cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
Delilah:
Oh, yeah. They’ve got me absolutely wrecked. This morning I put my underwear on backwards three times before I finally got it right, and when they were finally properly situated, I cried like a baby.
Dottie Lynn:
Ugh, I can’t wait to be pregnant one day. It sounds so magical.
Delilah:
Yes, but in order for my brother to impregnate you, you have to convince him to have sex with you. Which brings me back to the topic at hand. How did you do it?
Dottie Lynn:
Uh, these days I pretty much breathe in Stephen’s direction and he’s hot to trot. Is this TMI? This feels like TMI. Are you sure you don’t want to talk to one of my friends? Or anyone who is not sleeping with your blood relation?
Delilah:
Omg Dottie Lynn Hart I am going to kill you.
Dottie Lynn:
Can you just call me? I feel like we’re getting nowhere here…
Delilah:
