I nod, face smooshed against him, still seeking some comfort as I lay all my most-pondered questions out for him.
“We, uh, never used condoms, so I don’t know what that’s like. It’s just been us. I really like the way that I can feel him twitch and pulse inside me when he comes. And that first moment where the pressure is intense and it feels like it’s too much, and it is, but in such a good way. Like you just… let go and give in.” He pauses, like he’s remembering something very specific. “And some positions are better than others, but I‘ve enjoyed trying to find which ones are best for both of us. My favorite is when he’s so deep I swear I can feel him, like, everywhere.”
I’m not sure I’ve ever listened to something with so much focus and attention, hanging on every word as he speaks.
He sighs, wistful. “The best part, though, I think, is how close I feel to him. It’s almost overwhelming, it’s so intimate. The connection with him, you know, body-to-body, but also the way it makes my heart race just to have him like that. I love the little things, like the weight of him all over me and when Ican feel him breathe against me.”
“I want that.” I want it so bad, it’s like an ache in my chest. I can truly only imagine sharing something like that with one particular person.
“I know you do, Sun. And you’ll get it. Someone who loves youandyour body in all the best ways. You deserve that,” Nikko assures me.
“Thank you.” It’s all I can manage to say as I wrap my arms around his waist to give him a grateful squeeze. I’m so caught off guard by my phone vibrating in my pocket with a notification that I actually shriek and almost fall off of the bed. “Chicken’s here.”
Nikko laughs so hard he wheezes. “Well, that was a nice moment while it lasted. Let’s eat.”
NINE
KIJA
Ihave made a mistake.
I truly do not know what I was thinking when I decided to lace up a pair of sneakers I haven’t worn in possibly years, because I don’t think I’ve gone running since I started working at Task Force.
Everyone else on the trail seems to be doing great, jogging briskly along like they’re having the time of their lives, all smiles, chatting with their running buddies or lost in whatever they’re listening to in their earbuds.
And here I am, trying not to wheeze while I pretend to take in the scenery along the Han River to give myself an excuse to slow down a little bit.
I had thought I’d be fine, choosing a three-kilometer path labeled “easy” because it’s flat, and I used to knock out 5k on the regular. Turns out I was wrong. And now I regret everything.
Just because I was trying to literally run away.
Afraid of what I’m feeling.
All the things I don’t know how to process because I have no experience with them.
I wanted to clear my head. Try to get some perspective.
I passed no less than five advertisements with Yung-Sun’s face on them on my way to the park.
He’s everywhere.
Right in front of me.
On my mind.
Constantly.
I keep trying to tell myself that it’s just because it’s been a while. A dry spell. No big deal.
Jase lived with me for a while. But he’s moved out now, so I can start having people—no,women—over again.
Women.I can have women over again.
Because that’s a thing that I do. I can go pick up a woman at any bar and take her back to my place, have some decent sex and send her on her way.
I start to jog again, spurred on by the fact I really have no interest in this scenario that I’ve just tried to convince myself I want. Maybe it’s because I see all these other people my age settling down. Getting married.
I’m just getting pickier. More serious about the idea of apartner, not just a hookup. Someone I can actually see myself making a life with, not only spending a couple of nights together.
