Unsurprisingly, though, I can’t help but start to wonder if Kija ever travels in one of these. If he’d put up the partition between the driver and the backseat, and let me take him on an entirely different kind of ride.
“Oh my god, you have that look again!” Nikko complains as he swats at my arm. “Do you ever think about anything else?”
I roll my eyes as we come to a stop. “Sometimes.”
He flings the door open and speedwalks toward the building, pulling out his keycard to flash it at the sensor. As we step onto the elevator, he pushes the button for my floor, and makes a face at me. “It’s your turn to order the food.”
“Done,” I announce, tapping the screen to pay as we exit to walk down the hall and I unlock the door to my apartment. “Twenty minutes.”
“Good. I’d starve to death in twenty-one.” Nikko chuckles.
He’s right behind me, kicking off his shoes at the same timeand following me to my room, when I quickly realize just how relaxed I’ve gotten about my personal space since I don’t have to share it with anyone anymore.
“What the hell is all this?” Nikko yelps and I can’t even guess at which thing has caught his attention first.
Chita never comes into my bedroom, so everything that I had kept hidden while living with Nikko is just out in the open.
Everywhere.
My plugs are lined up in descending size order on my desk, the box full of restraints and various kinds of sensory play items is open on the chair. There’s also a not-insignificant number of dildos in all shapes and sizes scattered haphazardly across the foot of my bed.
“My collection?” I shrug. I’m not embarrassed about it, but I wasn’t really planning on showing it off either.
“What? Where?” Nikko sputters. “How did you even manage to get all these? When did…?”
I wait to see if he’s going to finish that sentence, but he doesn’t. “I’ve been buying stuff for years. How else was I going to practice?”
“Practice?” He looks bewildered. “Oh.”
“I don’t want to be clueless or naive when I finally get to be with… someone,” I tell him, shoving the silicone dicks to the side and sitting down. “So I bought toys. I taught myself how to not gag with a cock in my mouth and I know how much my ass can take.”
Nikko shakes his head like he’s trying to process all of this. “So you’re prepared for everything then.”
That’s just it, though. I don’t feel like I am. I’ve done as much as I can on my own, but I know there’s more to it than that. Everything I’ve done has been with one goal in mind, and now that I think there’s actually the slightest chance, I’m a little scared.
“Not really,” I mumble.
“What do you mean?” He asks, soft and quiet, folding himself up next to me and slipping his hand over mine to give it a squeeze.
“I don’t know what it’s like to have another person involved,” I say, but that’s not all. I’m afraid that despite all my bravado, when the moment comes, I’ll freeze. That it won’t matter what I’ve learned to do, I’ll choke, and not in any kind of sexy way.
Nikko pulls me into a hug, and it’s exactly what I need right now. “I didn’t know anything before Jase. I hadn’t even tried much on my own, let alone all that you’ve done. I loved learning with him. I still like trying new things, like we did last night. It’s fun to figure things out with someone you care about and you trust.”
I want to tell him that’s fine for him and Jase, but I don’t think it’s the same for me. Especially not with someone like Kija, who I’m sure has doneallthe things and tried stuff I can’t even imagine. I want everything to be with him and I won’t let myself believe there’s a chance it won’t be. “Ineedto know,” I tell Nikko as I sprawl across his lap. “But it still seems like… like I don’t.”
“Maybe youdon’tneed to know right now.” His other hand starts sliding through my hair. This is not how I thought this conversation would go, with Nikko comforting me as I admit to all the things that keep me up at night. “Youcan save some things for playing around when you’re with someone. I think you’re putting too much pressure on yourself.”
“Ko. You don’tunderstand,” I whine. It bothers me more than it should that he has experience now and I still have none. I wonder if he’d like the idea of being the one to share some of that knowledge with me. I turn enough to look at him with wide, hopeful eyes. “Maybe you can tell me some things.”
“Like what?” He raises an eyebrow in question. “I guess you can ask me stuff, and I might be able to answer.”
Now that I have the chance, I might as well just go for it. Iam so familiar with my own touch and the synthetic feel of my toys. But there’s one thing that I wonder, all the time, every time as I finger myself open, as I ride one of the dildos. “How does it feel?”
Nikko takes a deep breath, giving himself time to think. “The most obvious way I can describe it is full. But I know you know that, if you’ve been using some of those monster toys.” He ruffles my hair as he laughs. I know he’s trying to make me feel less vulnerable and I love him for it.
“Damn right, I can take it like a champ,” I say proudly, laughing a little, too. But then I get serious again and ask what I want to know the most, whispering, “I mean, how does it feel when it’s reallyhiminside you?”
“Ah. Like a real person and not plastic or whatever those are made of?” he clarifies.
