“No one responded to you when you needed them,” he continues, carefully observing me. “So your brain and your body learned to stay on and ready, at all times, just to survive. You… you never got the chance to experience safety when it’s theonlything you should have felt.”
My heart is beating so hard, it’s the only thing I can feel in my entire body. But I stay focused on Dad and try not to disappear. I need to hear this… I need to know this.
“When you came to us,” he says, “all of that didn’t just disappear because you were now in a safe home. Your anger, your fear, your hesitation… it all transferred to your mom. Because you had to protect yourself from being hurt again. To you, she represented abandonment. And when she left, it just confirmed the fear you already had, that you weren’t worth staying for. But Silas,” Dad shifts on the couch, moving a little closer to me, “I need you to understand that your mom leaving wasnotbecause of you. I know that belief has lived in you for a long time. But it was formed when you were just a baby trying to survive, and you learned to protect yourself before you ever knew what safety felt like. And that little boy is still in there… always afraid that he’ll be left in the dark again.”
Hot tears blur my vision again, and I drop my gaze to my hands in my lap.
It hurts. It hurts so fucking much to hear this. Even though I knew I had trauma from my biological mom, and I knew I was taken away. I knew all my issues were because of this. And I knew it was going to be bad.
She didn’t want me and didn’t care about me. For two years I cried and no one came. And then the mom who chose me walked away too.
“I think when Levi moved,” Dad says gently, “a part of you saw that as a choice to stop loving you. Even if you never actually thought that, and you know that’s not true. That part of you only heard that he was leaving and thought it was happening all over again. Except this time… it was someone who never left you in the dark.”
Something inside me suddenly snaps, and a sob breaks free from my chest.
Dad immediately shifts closer and pulls me into him, wrapping his arms around my shoulders to hold me tight as I cry. Heavy breaths catch in my chest and tears stream down my face as it feels like years and years of heartache were just uncovered, and I can’t keep up.
“I’m sorry,” he murmurs. “I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that.”
Eventually, my tears slow enough for me to pull in a shuddering breath, and I try to pull myself back together enough to sit with all of this and really understand it.
Somehow, everything feels clearer and more confusing at the same time.
“Safe people will keep choosing you, no matter what,” Dad says. “And when they turn the light on, you don’t have to stay in the dark. You can choose them too.”He leans back just enough to look at me. “Is that something you want to do?”
I wipe the tears from my face and glance out the window, towards the faint glow of lights down the road.
“Yeah. I do.”
TWENTY-NINE
Dirt crunchesunder my shoes as I jog after Winston towards the beach, watching his golden coat flash in the late-day sun. I haven’t had time to take him to the beach yet this week, and to say he’s excited is an understatement. Off-leash runs along a dirt road surrounded by open fields that leads to a red sand beach and open water… that beats any after-work run we’ve ever had in Toronto.
I can’t believe I ever traded this for condo towers and traffic lights.
His fluffy tail vanishes into the tall dune grass where the narrow path leads to the beach, and I chuckle as I duck in after him. I just know he’s going to be in the water before I even reach the sand.
And sure enough, as I step onto the beach, Winton’s head bobs in the water as he paddles in large circles with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen him wear.
So, this move was definitely a good one for him.
I throw the ball I brought for him into the water, even though he apparently doesn’t even need it, then draw in a slow breath, filling my lungs with the warm, salty air. My eyes close as I let the sun warm my skin and listen to the seagulls calling as theycircle over the water. I open my eyes to watch them in the bright blue sky as they move towards the point, then shift my gaze over the water where the last of the days bright sun rays scatter light over the gentle waves.
Fuck, I missed this. Why did I ever leave?
My gaze drifts down the beach as I take it all in, landing on the lighthouse near the point.
Memories of growing up here flood my mind; of running on this beach with Silas, and escaping to the lighthouse when we wanted somewhere that felt like ours alone. Heaviness settles in my chest as I take in the weather-worn white and red boards, standing tall against the blue sky. We spent so much time there. And I haven’t been back since the summer between my second and third year of university.
I wonder if Silas has…
I force my attention back to Winston as he paddles towards shore, emerging just far enough to whip water from his coat in a violent spray before he barrels back into the waves.
But I can’t stop thinking about Silas.
Last night at the pub was good, and I think it went well. It felt like something shifted between us, and some of the air has finally cleared. Getting everything out in the open and hearing how he's really feeling was needed, and I think we turned a corner. I know he's not all the way there yet, and I know it'll take time. But I'm just glad he came and that we could talk.
And I could look into his eyes up close again.
