The part of me that’s been trying so hard to hold on to my anger towards him suddenly feels really small. And I think that right now, even if I wanted to, I couldn’t be mad at him.
His eyes drop to my lips, and I watch his chest rise and fall before he quickly looks away.
But when he meets my gaze again with a small smile, the corners of my lips tilt up just a little, as a weight seems to lift from my shoulders.
His eyes flick between mine for a moment before he awkwardly shifts his weight in his seat. “Do you…” he starts, then gives a small one-shoulder shrug, “want to grab a beer tonight?”
My eyes widen, and I just stare back at him, completely frozen and unable to move, think, or speak as my heart fucking riots, and I press my hand harder to the side of the tractor.
Levi winces as he drops his gaze, and guilt slams into me.
Fuck…
Why does something so small and… normal… feel so fucking big?
He shakes his head and forces a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “It’s ok,” he says. “Sorry.”
I see the flicker of disappointment he tries to hide before he turns back to the screen and taps something.
But I keep my eyes on him.
I don’t want this. I don’t want fear and anxiety around him. I don’t want to hate him.
And I don’t. I know I don’t.
I want him back in my life. I just don’t know how to do that while everything inside me is trying to tell me it’s not safe.
Why does it keep telling me it’s not safe…?
I nod, even though he’s not looking at me. Then I pull my hand from the side of the tractor and pull in a breath. “Yeah.”
His head turns towards me so fast I lean back a bit.
“Really?” he asks with wide eyes.
And I can’t help but huff out a small laugh at how surprised he is. And I guess I am too.
I nod, and Levi’s smile grows, the sun hitting him just right to light up his entire face.
Fuck, I missed him.
TWENTY-SEVEN
The coaster rollsbetween my fingers as I spin it over the table, and my leg bounces restlessly. I glance towards the door again, then force myself to look away at anything else.
Being back in this pub is a really weird feeling. This is the only pub somewhat close to Linton, although it’s still a few towns away. But it’s where Silas and I used to spend some time during the summer when I was home from school, playing pool, drinking cheap beer, and staying out later than we should have. My gaze drifts to the pool tables near the back of the space, and I can’t help but chuckle to myself.
This is the place to be in our area of the island, and we always thought it was everything. And even though I’ve been to more bars, pubs, and clubs in Toronto than I can even remember, none of them came close to this. It’s all warm wood and low, amber lighting, with music just loud enough to hum to under the murmur of conversation and laughter in every corner. No one here is showing off, competing, or starting drama… It's just farmers, mechanics, teachers, and everyone else who’s a part of this community, just simply enjoying themselves and the company.
The door swings open and my head snaps up automatically. But as two older women enter, I release a breath and drop my gaze to the coaster in my hands again.
I didn’t offer to drive here with Silas because I didn’t want to push it. The fact that he even agreed to meet me at all tonight had me nearly jumping out of my seat in excitement, but I also recognize that whatever we have here is pretty damn fragile right now. So even though we’re both coming from the same stretch of road, meeting here just seemed like a safer option.
But now… I’m worried he might not show.
My thoughts drift back to this morning in the tractor, and to everything I saw in him. The way he seemed to be on edge and nervous, and the tears in his eyes when he looked at me… and then his smile. His perfect smile, that I missed so fucking much, and just want to see over and over again, every day.
And I’m starting to realize that it’s more than just nostalgia and me missing my best friend. There’s an uncomfortable truth sitting underneath that… one I’ve been avoiding. But it’s becoming clearer with each moment I spend with him and think about him.
