It’s Levi. It’s just Levi.
So why does my body feel like I’m walking right into something that could tear me open and destroy me?
It’sLevi…
I head straight into the garage and drop the paper bag on my workbench, staring at it while voices drift in from the lot as everyone starts arriving. With a deep breath, I unfold the top and pull out a bagel and the egg bites Mama packed. I set them on the paper and look down at them as my fingers twitch.
But my stomach is rolling, and there’s no way I can eat.
“Hey.”
I flinch and look over my shoulder at Levi standing a few feet away.
“Hey,” I say, turning to shove my breakfast back in the bag.
“Mama’s egg bites?” Levi asks, stepping closer.
I glance at him and nod, memories flashing through my mind of her calling us in for breakfast, when all we wanted to do was race our bikes up and down the long driveway.
“She gives me breakfast every morning,” I say, unsure why I’m even telling him this. But the words roll off my tongue, and the smile that spreads over his lips has me dropping my eyes to it… and almost wanting to tell him more. Of what, I don’t even know.
He huffs a small laugh, and my breath catches at the sound.
“Some things never change,” he says softly.
My gaze slowly drifts to his black hoodie, and I let it rest there for a moment as a sense of familiarity settles over me. I wish he’d wear this more than the crisp button-up shirts. He looks more like… him.
His arm shifts, and I quickly look away, shoving the bag of my uneaten breakfast to the side of the bench.
“I loaded everything into the system yesterday, so I’m good to go whenever you are,” Levi says.
I nod and turn to head outside. “We’ll go now.”
“Don’t want to eat first?” he asks, hesitating as he gestures towards the bench.
But I just shake my head and start towards the tractor in the lot.
Now that he’s here, and this is actually happening, my stomach feels like it’s twisting into knots. My hands are tingling again, and my breaths are shallow in my chest as I feel trapped in this space between wanting this and needing to leave. My brain is screaming at me to keep the distance between us, while at the same time, my body continues to walk along beside him, carrying me towards the tractor.
I grab the rail and haul myself up into the cab, hoping he doesn’t notice the tremor in my hand, and turn the key. The engine roars to life beneath me, vibrating up through the seat and into my spine. And I hope it’s enough to drown everything else out.
But when Levi settles into the buddy seat next to me, a sudden warmth rolls over me like a comfortable blanket. My heart is still racing, and my hands are still tingling, but something underneath it starts to shift. I picture us as kids, both sitting in that seat as Dad drove the tractor and he let us take turns steering. And then later, when he was home for the summer and would join me while I was working, and we’d talk about everything and nothing.
I catch Levi glancing at me as I realize I’ve just been sitting here, staring out the window as those memories played like a movie in my mind.
So I clear my throat, shift in my seat, put the tractor into gear, and drive towards the north field. It’s the first field we’ll be planting, so today it just needs a light pass to level it off.
When we reach the edge of the field, I put the tractor in park, take a breath, and turn to face Levi.
But when his eyes meet mine, everything in me stills.
The rising sun casts a warm glow over him, and his brown eyes absorb the light, almost looking like they’re lit from within,like endless depths of amber I could get lost in. His dark hair, which is usually styled to perfection, is slightly messy today with a strand falling over his forehead, catching the light just so… And I need to squeeze the steering wheel to keep from reaching over to push it back.
Out here, he’s the Levi I’ve always known.
He’s my Levi.
He blinks and drops his gaze, and I turn back to the windshield, forcing myself to focus on the field stretching out ahead of us before lowering my eyes to the display.
