A small smile of my own tugs at the corner of my lips at this goofy dog, and he shuffles closer to lean against me so hard I have to drop a hand to the dirt to keep myself from falling over.
But he just looks up at me with his tongue hanging out of his mouth, and I pull a deep breath into my lungs as my hand lifts to the top of his head.
His fur is soft and warm from the sun, and I let my hand run down his back as a wave of calm ripples through me. I do it again, and Winston closes his eyes like it feels just as good for him, and my smile breaks free.
“Winston!”
A jolt crashes through me as I drop my hand from Winston’s fur, and my eyes snap up at the sound of Levi’s voice.
Winston glances at me one more time, then takes off towards the farm with legs flailing in every direction, and ears flopping with each stride.
I straighten up slowly as I watch him go, and Levi appears around the equipment shed.
My heart thumps so hard it hurts, and my hands tingle as I forget to breathe.
Levi smiles widely as he crouches down with his arms open to greet his dog. He ruffles Winston’s fur with both hands, and his soft laugh drifts in the air to land somewhere deep in my chest in a way that both hurts and makes me want more.
And even though the hurt feels bigger, I can’t stop watching.
I can’t look away from his smile.
He looks happy. He looks like the Levi I used to know and love. The one who raced me on the beach, made comics with me, and jumped off red cliffs into the water without a care in the world. The Levi who climbed out of his bedroom window in the middle of the night just to meet me at the lighthouse when I couldn’t sleep, and who was always there for me, no matter what.
But I’m suddenly pulled back into my own body, and those memories disappear as he looks up and his gaze meets mine.
Winston looks back at me as well, then turns and runs straight to me. But Levi doesn’t call him back. He just watches as Winston sits at my feet, looking up at me as he leans against my legs.
The pressure from his weight against me keeps my muscles from moving and my mind from leaving as I just watch Levi and wait to see what he’s going to do. My hand finds Winston’s head, and I sink my fingers into his fur while my heart races. And as Levi eventually takes a step towards me, my body acts on its own, leaning further into Winston and keeping my hand on hissoft fur. My breaths quicken as tension rolls through me, but I don’t move, even though the urge rises to take a few steps back.
It’s Levi. That’s supposed to mean something… I’m not supposed to be scared. I don’t understand why I avoid him but look for him. And why I hope he’ll come closer, while fighting the urge to run away.
He stops several feet away and looks down at Winston sitting next to me. I’m very aware that my fingers are still buried in his fur, but I can’t make myself let go. Because if I do, I know I won’t be ok.
Levi doesn’t say anything as his gaze slowly drifts over the field. And I just watch him, taking this moment to see him while I’m not shrinking under his gaze.
A million different emotions tear through me as I look over the man standing before me. The man who’s no longer the boy I knew so well.
But as his hair blows gently in the breeze, and the setting sun paints his features in soft gold, I see the familiar parts of him. And like this, out here, he almost doesn’t feel like a stranger.
His gaze drifts back to mine, and my muscles tense.
“I can help you get readings?—”
“No,” I say before I’ve even fully registered what he said. But as his offer catches up to me, and the anxiety inside me roars to life, I don’t add anything else.
Because this is the only thing I’ve ever tried to do on my own.
My entire life, I’ve needed help. I’ve needed help to learn, to make friends, to be a son, and to understand my own mind. I’ve needed help with everything. And even now, at twenty-six years old, I’m still chasing the same ground everyone else stands on.
But Levi was always the one to stand by my side. When I was too much, he didn’t even flinch. And when I was too little, he lifted me up.
So when he left, I lost the reason to keep trying.
But with this field, Iamtrying. I’m trying so fucking hard. I’m trying to do this on my own and prove that I’m not a useless idiot who needs someone to hold my hand through life. I need to prove that I can understand it, fix it, and keep it together.
If I take his help… It's just proof that I am that useless idiot. That I never could do this, or anything, on my own.
I can’t let this be another thing I fail at.
