But why does it have to be like this? With charts, graphs, math… and Levi.
Everyone falls into conversation about soil tension and other shit I don’t understand, and my gaze bounces around the room as I try to follow it.
They all get it.
Everyone is contributing, agreeing with Levi, and making a plan I don’t understand.
I’m not a part of this.
My fingers dig into my arms so hard I wouldn’t be surprised if I bruise, and my chest rises and falls with quick, shallow breaths. I shift my gaze out the window to the field in the distance and stare at it as I try to control the electric hum building under my skin, begging to be set free.
But I can’t take it anymore.
My body moves on its own as I leave the room, and the voices fade away behind me. My hands shake at my sides, and I blow out a breath as I walk out of the office and head straight for the hollow heart field.
I don’t know if Levi had a slide coming up for this one. But I couldn’t stay to find out.
I stop at the edge of the field and look over the freshly tilled soil. My gaze locks on an area of the field in the distance as theedges of my mind blur, and I let myself fall into a comfortable numbness.
The swirling, half-finished, angry, noisy thoughts that I can’t fully latch onto slowly quiet, and others grow louder.
I’m too stupid to keep up.
I only have a job here because of Dad.
I don’t know anything.
I’ll never be anything.
No one will wait for me.
I’m not worth it.
My eyes drop to the soil at my feet, and I stare at it, letting my mind settle on those familiar thoughts. And with them, they bring an intense, deep sadness.
The sadness only grows as those thoughts gnaw at me while I walk along the perimeter of the field, like I do at the end of each day. But today, I walk slower. And when I reach the spots I always check, I crouch down and linger a little longer than usual, digging my fingers into the loosened earth and lifting a handful. The soil slips through my fingers, sifting over my skin before falling back to the ground. I watch the granules separate and settle, noticing the way they clump slightly before breaking apart again. It’s getting close… but it's still not where it needs to be.
The sound of panting sounds behind me, and I turn to see a golden retriever trotting up to me.
It’s Levi’s dog… Winston.
My eyes immediately lift and look around, but all I see are fields and the empty stretch of land between me and the main buildings.
Winston plops himself down to sit in the soil next to me, and he looks like he’s smiling as his tongue hangs out of his mouth. He stares right at me like I should be proud of him for being here, but my heart picks up its pace.
If he’s here, then…
My eyes dart towards the buildings, and the electricity inside me hums to life once again. I’ve successfully avoided Levi all week since he showed up at my cabin. I kept to the fields, steered clear of the office, and timed my work so I wouldn’t cross paths with him in the garage. And from what I can tell, he’s done the same. Al has been walking to Levi’s office instead of meeting in the garage like they had been, and I can take a guess at whose idea that was.
But today was a reminder of why things ended up this way.
He’s smart. He can do the job and be the person everyone needs and wants. He can build systems and plans and confidence, and do it right. He gives Dad exactly what he’s looking for.
I can’t do any of those things.
Winston lifts a paw, holding it up in the air, and I meet his eyes. He paws the air a couple times, like he’s desperate for me to take it.
I let the last of the soil fall from my fingers and turn my hand over, holding my palm open. He places his paw against it immediately, and his smile grows even bigger.
