Regret, sadness, anger, guilt, and more all swirl around inside me, and I don’t know which one hurts the most.
I didn’t want it to go this way. Iwantedto take him with me in whatever way I could. I kept hoping he would meet me partway, even when I knew he didn’t know how. Ineededhim to stay with me. Hedidbelong with me, just like I belonged with him.
My eyes wander around the space Silas created for himself here, as I desperately try to keep my emotions in check.
We used to play in this old cabin as kids. We built forts in the woods and would camp out here in the summer, pretending we were far away in another province, or even another country.
He’s fixed it up, just enough to live in, and has moved himself as far away as he can while still staying close.
My gaze lands on his old red truck parked next to the cabin, and I swallow hard. This truck he used to love and care for and was a source of joy and pride for him, now sits abandoned.
He built his own world out here, isolated inside something already too small.
Like he’s abandoning himself.
I turn and look through the trees towards the hollow heart field, and sigh.
I have no idea how to do this.
TWENTY-TWO
“Given the latest soil-tension model,and the normalized difference vegetation index over the south-west block, I recommend switching to variable-rate seeding to match biomass targets and align seed placement depth with the updated root-zone moisture profile to reduce early stand variability.”
My eyes drift across the lines on the screen while Levi talks, and my head fucking swims. He stands at the front of the room with his shirt sleeves neatly rolled up and confidently gestures to charts and numbers layered over a map of the fields.
I cross my arms as I lean against the back wall of the meeting room, glaring at the screen as Levi clicks to another slide.
We’ve never done this before. We’ve never had meetings and presentations to plant. Weplant. Al goes over last year’s data, we adjust where needed based on performance, and weknowwhat to do.
“We can reduce the risk of uneven emergence and suboptimal stand establishment by sequencing planting operations this way,” Levi continues. “And the VRA prescriptions tied to the management zones should reduceinput waste and improve consistency across blocks that have historically shown high yield variability.”
What the fuck?
“Perfect,” Dad says with a nod, and my eyes fall to him where he sits at the table. “We’ve had some issues with over-applying in some zones, so this sounds like just what we need to prevent that this year.”
My brow furrows as everyone murmurs their agreements around the room.
What are they even talking about? What the fuck are soil-tension models? And normalized difference vegetation something…?
I shift my weight as my fingers dig into my arms, and I clench my jaw.
We’ve never done this before…
“Sounds like an excellent plan,” Al says, then he leans forward to cross his forearms on the table. “But what about the drainage issues we had last year in the southwest field?”
Levi smiles and clicks to the next slide, where even more fucking graphs cover the screen.
A heavy breath escapes me as I take in the lines that look like a tangled disaster, and the words underneath them all seem to blur together. Istilldon’t know what this new planting plan even is. I haven’t understood a single fucking thing said since we came in here.
“The higher soil tension combined with cooler root zone moisture during rapid bulking did increase stress risk in that zone.” Levi gestures to one of the lines, and heads nod around the room. “So, if we synchronize depth with moisture levels and adjust rates accordingly, we should smooth out variability and improve drainage response.”
My glare shifts from the screen to Levi, and heat crawls up my spine.
I know these words. I know what it all means in the field. I know what the soil feels like when it’s too compact, and I know how the plants look when they’re fighting for space and oxygen.
But he’s taken everything I know, twisted it all into a tangled mess, and placed it out of reach. And now he’s using it to change everything, and I’m being left behind as I try to keep up.
I know why we’re doing this. I know some things need to change to improve the farm and increase yields. I know there are contracts and risks, and this has to happen.
