Everyone starts trickling in, but I keep my head down and stay quiet. I know I’m being an asshole for ignoring them, but they all seem to give me space. And I’m thankful I don’t have to pretend I’m in a better mood than I am and try to hold a conversation when I know I can’t.
The sun eventually rises, and the bay doors open, and the morning breeze travels into the garage. I shed my hoodie as the sun shines in, and I let the subtle warmth from the sun and the cool bite of the breeze distract me from everything going on in the garage. But still, I can’t help but flick my gaze to the doors whenever someone walks through them. And each time, it’s like a zap of electricity shoots through me. Like there’s an endless amount of energy coiling tight deep inside me, putting me right on the edge of something I don’t have any control over.
I try my hardest to push it all aside as I work on the first tractor, letting the engine warm up for a few minutes before I turn it off and slide underneath it. Around me, the garage hums with the typical morning sounds of clanking tools, half-finished conversations, and the occasional bark of laughter, but they all blur into the background as I position the drain pan beneath the plug and twist it loose.
A dark stream of oil pours from the engine into the tray below, and I stay where I am as I watch it. I could get up and work on something else while this drains, but… I don’t. I just continue to lie here, watching the oil fall in a smooth ribbon into the tray.
Until the sound of footsteps draws my attention away, and my eyes flick to a clean pair of Converse and jeans walking past the front tire.
“Hey, Al,” Levi’s voice sounds, and the ball of energy in my stomach immediately starts pulsing like it’s begging to be set free.
I shift my gaze back to the oil as it narrows to a drip and stay still. I don’t think I can move even if I wanted to.
“Hey,” Al greets him from somewhere nearby. “So, how far did you get?”
Levi lets out a soft chuckle, and my chest tightens. The sound rolls over me like something comforting, warm, and familiar, but settles sharper than I was expecting. The oil finishes dripping into the pan, but my eyes stay fixed on the underside of the engine as I listen to the voice that used to be the one to calm me down when nothing else could.
“Well,” Levi answers, “there’s a lot to go through. I barely slept last night.” He chuckles again, and I blink hard.
I miss laughing with him. I miss his voice, knowing I could hear it whenever I needed it, and it would make everything feel better.
Now… it’s here, and it fuckinghurts. It’s not doing what it’s supposed to be doing.
“But I do have some initial recommendations based on what I’ve gone through so far,” Levi continues.
My fingers pick at my thumb as the buzzing under my skin grows, and I try to keep it quiet.
“I’ve read through most of the yield reports, input and output ratios, and planting history,” he says. “And I think a staggered planting schedule would reduce early stress and improve input efficiency overall.”
My breaths come quicker as I think of previous years. We’ve staggered planting before for soil reasons… What’s input efficiency?
“And it looks like western fields will probably benefit from soil probes, which you already identified due to temperature inconsistency.”
My brow furrows, and I press harder against my thumb without realizing it, before a sharp sting snaps me back when I almost break skin.
“It also looks like some yield loss last year in some fields may have been tied to row spacing. We can look at trialling narrower spacing in one or two fields to see if that stabilizes output.”
Yield loss in some fields? There’s always going to be some due to normal fluctuations, and we didn’t have a big loss last year besides the hollow heart… Why is he changing things that work?
“And… I’m just curious,” Levi says. “Field 2… It’s being planted this year?”
It feels like my heart completely stops beating.
That’s my field.
“Yeah,” Al answers simply.
Levi pauses, and I try to keep my breathing quiet.
“Ok,” he says slowly. “Well, I really don’t think that field should be planted this year. It’s been too inconsistent to justify putting more resources into it.”
I see fucking red.
Before I can even think about what I’m doing, I crawl out from under the tractor and push to my feet, my gaze immediately locking on Levi across the garage.
He looks over, and the second he sees me, his shoulders tense.
I take a few steps forward as rage builds inside me so fast I can’t keep up with it, and it all zeroes in on him.
