But… it’s not just her. I push anyone away who tries to get too close. My therapist says it’s because I expect everyone toleave. That keeping space between me and other people is how I stay safe. And I hate that it makes sense. Because the moment something feels real, I start finding ways to push it away before it can disappear on its own.
It’s better to ruin it on my own before they can leave me.
“You don’t have to be strong with me,” Levi says.
I nod, not meeting his gaze. “I know.”
We’re both quiet for a moment before Levi stands up and heads back to his suitcase. “I also want to go four-wheeling and camping for a weekend or two.”
A smile spreads over my lips as the sadness slowly fades and excitement takes over. “Me too.”
Levi smiles, and I watch him as he methodically folds his clothes to put them away.
Fuck, I missed him.
“And fishing,” Levi says suddenly, looking up at me again. “You don’t know how much I’ve missed fishing.”
I furrow my brow at him. “We never really fished that much…”
He shrugs. “I know, but there’snofishing, camping, four-wheeling— none of that in downtown Toronto. I just need it all.”
I laugh. “Alright, then. We’ll go fishing.”
“Perfect,” he chuckles, then quickly glances at me. “Oh, and I’m going away for a week at the end of July.”
“Where?” I ask as a pit starts forming in my stomach.
“Montreal.”
And the pit grows.
“Why?” I ask, trying to keep my anxiety in check.
“To visit Julien. And Noah is going too. You met them on FaceTime a few times. They live in my dorm and are on my rec hockey league.” Levi turns to face me, and I try to make my expression easy and unbothered, but I don’t think it works.
I nod. “Yeah. Ok.”
Fuck. Ihatethis feeling. This guilty, gnawing feeling right in my stomach… this feeling of jealousy.
This isourtime. It’soursummer. He spent the entire year with them, and we only have a few months before he’s gone again. Before he goes back to them. Even over Christmas and his spring break, he was texting and talking to them…
And I get it. He’s allowed to have other friends. I just hate how much it scares me. Because if he ever decides they’re enough… that they’re easier… and if one day he forgets to come back…
I won’t survive if he leaves me too.
“Hey.”
Levi’s room suddenly comes back into focus, and my eyes slowly find him, sitting next to me.
“It’s just a week,” he says gently.
I nod, trying hard to ignore the echo of those words in the back of my head, in my mom’s voice. It’s the same thing she would say when she went on work trips, when it was supposed to be my time with her.
Levi leans back next to me, pressing his shoulder against mine. “No one’s ever going to replace you, Si. Never.” He bumps me a little harder. “We’re just going to a concert, hanging out in Montreal for a bit, and I’ll be home before you know it. And then you’ll be kicking me out of your tractor and begging me to leave you alone.”
I huff a small laugh. “You won’t last a full day in the tractor.”
“Try me,” Levi says seriously, his competitive side immediately kicking in. Then he smiles softly. “We’re going to have an awesome summer. You and me.”
