“Seriously, dude?” I roll my eyes. “That can’t wait for, like, an hour?”
“Why?” He shrugs as he lifts a pile of clean T-shirts from his suitcase. “If I do it now, it’s done.”
With a sigh, I wave my hand for him to continue. “Whatever.”
He tucks the shirts into the top drawer of his dresser. “We need to see if Allistair will take us lobster fishing again this summer.”
My chest flutters with excitement as I nod. We’ve wanted to go on Levi’s uncle’s lobster boat since we were kids, but healways said he wouldn’t bring us until we were older. When we turned eighteen last year, he finally took us, and welovedit. The sunrise over the water, the massive waves spraying us with salt water, the chaos of the entire thing… it was awesome.
“Fuck yeah,” I agree. “And we need to go to Cavendish Beach Music Festival.”
“Obviously,” Levi says, glancing over his shoulder with a sly grin. “I know Bell wants to go.”
I nod and look down at my hands. “Yeah.”
“Yeah,” he echoes, in a mocking, flat tone. He stands before his suitcase with a fistful of socks and eyes me. “Come on, Si. Admit it. It’s been a fuckingyear.She comes home more than most people do when they go away for school, and youknowit’s for you.” He shrugs and drops his socks into a drawer. “And once you start sleeping with a girl, youknow you gotta put a label on it.”
I let out a sharp laugh and stare at him. “Oh really? This is coming fromyou?”
He rolls his eyes. “Don’t make this about me.”
I sit up and shake my head in disbelief. “How many girls you sleep with this year again?”
“Oh, please,” Levi says, closing the drawer. “Just a few. It’s not like I’m an asshole about it. They all agreed to keep it casual.”
“Hm,” I hum, settling back against the pillows with a smile as I watch his feathers get ruffled. I know he’s not a dick. He’s careful, honest, and treats everyone with respect. But he’s also clearly not one to commit easily.
Levi glares at me, but then his expression softens. “Si…”
Something shifts inside me, and I feel the walls slowly start to go up as I realize where this is headed. “What?”
He sits on the edge of the bed. “She really does like you.”
I nod and look down at my hands again. “I know,” I say quietly. And I can’t ignore the panic that starts to stir deep inside me.
Levi is quiet for a moment. And I know he understands my thoughts. He knows what I’m thinking and feeling.
That no one trulylikesme. They put up with me. They tolerate me because they have to.
And when I get to be too much, they leave.
They always leave.
So why even bother trying?
“Have you spoken to your mom lately?” Levi asks gently.
I glance up at him and see him watching me with so much care, tears sting the back of my eyes. I don’t talk about my mom unless he asks, and he doesn’t ask often. Because he knows it hurts. But he also knows that the large amount of pain the relationship holds bleeds into all the other areas of my life, whether I want it to or not.
I shake my head. “I haven’t seen her in two months.”
Levi exhales heavily. “I’m sorry.”
I swallow hard and blink fast, willing everything inside me to stay buried. “It’s easier,” I say.
Which, in a way, is true. Now that I can live and work full-time on the farm, I’m no longer a constant disappointment in a house that wanted something different from me. I wasn’t able to be the happy, easy, loving son she wanted and needed, and as guilty as I feel to admit it… I feel safer being with Dad. Even though she’s never done anything bad to me. But for as long as I can remember, something deep inside me just kept pushing her away. And eventually, she stopped trying.
It's no wonder she wants nothing to do with me now that she doesn’t have to.
