FORTY-SEVEN
I stepout of the farm store and head for my truck, tossing the spray nozzles into the backseat. But as my hand closes around the driver’s door handle, I pause and release a breath.
I told Dad I’d come to the store to grab the nozzles for him since I also needed some screws. But really, I just needed to get off the farm for a bit. Which I never want to do. But my head hasn’t stopped for two days, with thoughts circling over themselves until they blur together, and I just need… something. A distraction, a break, an answer… something.
My gaze drifts across the street to the marina, and I watch some lobster boats make their way in and dock at the wharf. I drop my hand from the truck and cross the street until I reach the wooden fence that runs along the water’s edge.
The same question that’s been swirling around in my head since Levi had that phone call rises again, repeating itself over and over and over.
What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
My eyes squeeze shut as I brace my forearms against the fence and lift my hands to my head.
I love Levi. Ilovehim. I need him. He makes my heart whole and keeps me together. He’s everything. I lost him once, and I can’t go through that again.
Intense fear slams into me at the thought of losing him, and then again at the thought of losing my family.
What if Dad starts looking at me the same way Mom did? Like I’m a problem. Like I’ve made another poor choice, and I should have known better.
But Iknowhe won’t. I know this. And I know Mama and Papa won’t either. They all love Levi. They all love me.
But… what if?
There’s always a chance.
And I won’t survive it if someone else who was supposed to make me feel safe walks away from me.
Tears prick the back of my eyes as I lean against the fence with my head in my hands and try to take a deep breath. But I can’t seem to get enough air in or out, and my chest tightens as panic suddenly floods my entire body.
I want to love Levi out loud. I want to be happy.
I don’t want anyone to leave me.
I don’t want anyone to leave Levi.
I just want to be happy.
I’vebeenhappy.
The tears break free and run down my cheeks as my stomach turns and my hands tingle, and I dig my fingertips into my head.
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
“Hey, you ok?”
The voice startles me, and I lift my head to see a man standing at the edge of the wharf just a few feet away, cautiously watching me.
I quickly wipe my eyes and nod, trying to hide my trembling hand. “Yeah.”
But he clearly doesn’t buy it. He hesitates, then steps closer. “You sure? Because… you don’t look it.” He glances around the empty stretch of the dock. “You here alone?”
Tears once again well in my eyes, and I swallow hard as I try not to lose it again. All I can do is nod and keep my gaze fixed on the water, because I don’t trust myself to speak right now.
“Can I… Do you need something?”
I sniff and glance at the guy. He’s about my age or a bit older, watching me carefully with warm brown eyes and an expression that looks like he really does care. His messy light brown hair blows gently in the breeze, and soft freckles are scattered over his nose and cheeks. Something about him just seems… calming.
“No,” I say with a shake of my head. “I’m good.”
