People always leave.
“You lost someone,” I eventually say, and my voice sounds distant, like it’s not even coming from me. “Because of this…”
“I don’t care.” Levi takes my hands in his, and I immediately shift my eyes around the garage as my body tenses. And I don’t miss the flicker of hurt in Levi’s eyes at that.
“I don’t want you to lose anyone because of me,” I say, so quietly I barely even hear myself over the roaring of my pulse in my ears.
“I won’t.” He shakes his head and tightens his hold on my hands. “He doesn’t count. We were friends out of convenience. You heard him, we didn’t even get along that well.”
My vision blurs as my eyes burn with hot tears, and the noise in my head grows louder as everything finally pushes through.
Levi seems to realize what’s going on inside me, and steps closer, squeezing my hands again. “You won’t lose anyone either, Silas.”
“How do you know?” I whisper, trying desperately to stay here and not fade away, and not completely lose it. My entire body is buzzing, I feel like I can’t breathe, and it’s getting harder to hold on to my thoughts.
“I just… do,” Levi says, looking into my eyes with an intense desperation that makes my heart hurt.
But fear rises and takes over, pushing down any real thought I’m hoping to hold on to.
Images flash through my mind, of Mom packing her bags into her car and driving away, of people who I thought werefriends whispering behind my back to make plans without me, of teachers shaking their heads and sending me to the office when I couldn’t hold in the frustration any longer…
People leave.
Even though I know Levi is right, and I know my family loves me, and they’ve stayed despite everything… I’m having a hard time holding onto it. That belief is still there, but it’s slowly being buried by the memories of rejection, isolation, and abandonment.
Iknowmy family won’t leave me… but I alsodon’tknow that.
I never thought Mom would leave.
Everything that makes me who I am—the way my brain works, the way I react, the things I can’t control no matter how hard I try—has always been a problem. It’s always pushed people away.
And now, there’s something else inside me I can’t control, that could also make people leave.
My love for Levi is who I am. I can’t live this life without him.
But because of that love, I might lose my family.
I could lose my dad, Rob, Peter, and everyone on the farm who has accepted me for exactly who I am.
What if this is too much for them? What if this is the thing that finally pushes them over the edge, and they walk away?
I can’t lose them.
And I can’t lose Levi.
I want to hold onto everything… but it feels like it’s all just slipping through my fingers.
I don’t know what to do.
FORTY-SIX
“Keigan, what are you doing?”
I turn at Mom’s voice and catch Keigan lowering his phone, way too late to pretend he wasn’t just taking a picture of me.
“Nothing,” he says, shoving it back in his pocket.
“Subtle,” Jade chuckles, and takes a sip of her wine.
