His eyes appear in my mind, crystal clear like they always do. Every detail is vivid; from the way they squint when he smiles to the shifting colours in the sunlight. The rest of him slowly fills in around them, as I see his dark hair, longer on the top and perfectly pushed back with one single strand falling over his forehead, like it’s just begging me to reach out and brush it away.
My fingers twitch on the steering wheel as I shift in my seat, keeping him in my thoughts while my attention drifts lower along the faint shadow of stubble lining his jaw, which he’s been wearing more often lately. My heart picks up its pace as I picture his shoulders and his lean, strong frame in a crewneck, which has slowly been replacing his button-up shirts.
But I immediately go back to his eyes. Everything about him is beautiful. I can’t deny that. I never have. I always thought he was good-looking.
But… it’s his eyes.
It’s always been his eyes.
They’re the place I go when I need to feel safe and calm. The place that makes me feel a way I can’t even describe, which nothing else has ever even come close to making me feel.
I’ve always been drawn to him, for as long as I can remember. As kids, I couldn’t get enough of him. We’d spend a whole weekend together, and I’d feel sad that he had to go home, even though I’d see him on the school bus the next morning.
Even now, even after spending weeks thinking I hated him, and working through everything that kept me from him, I wanthim next to me. I let fear get in the way, and I want to make up for this lost time. I want him where he belongs… with me.
I watch the soil disappear under the tractor as I move along this zone and let my mind continue to wander through this mess of thoughts. I don’t know how to make sense of any of this… but it all just keeps coming.
I’veneverbeen attracted to a guy before.
I repeat his words in my head again, and knowing this is as new for him as it is for me settles some of the anxiety swirling around inside me, while also just increasing my confusion.
I haven’t either. I actually don’t know how much I’ve ever really been attracted to anyone. I was with Bell for a bit, kind of… but I could never commit to her. It just never felt right. A part of me was always holding back.
And I can’t ignore the little voice in the back of my mind telling me it’s because of Levi.
I love Levi. I always have. But now… I find myself wondering what that love really is. Or what it might be turning into.
Everything suddenly feels way too overwhelming, and I hit the brakes on the tractor and shift it into park. I rub a hand hard over my face as I try to get my head back into this and just focus on what I’m supposed to be doing out here.Planting.
But all I can picture are his eyes. And the feeling of his lips on mine.
“Fuck,” I mutter, tipping my head back against the seat and looking out the window to my left, where the hollow heart field stretches out beside me. The field I’m planting right now shares a border with a long section of it, and from this spot I can see almost the entire thing.
We never did go over the report.
I wonder if we ever will.
I wonder if… I might lose him now. Just when I got him back.
My finger picks at my thumb at that thought, and I quickly push it away. I can’t. I can’t lose him again. And I know he’s not going to walk away. I just know it. He’s a part of me, and now he’s a part of this farm.
I need him. And this field needs him.
But I don’t know what to do from here. I don’t know what he’s thinking or feeling. I don’t know whatI’mthinking or feeling.
I’ve never kissed a guy… mybest friend. I don’t know what the fuck is happening…
I pushed him away, and he left.
But I want him back.
With a sigh, I drop my gaze to the display in the cab, trying to force myself back to work and make this jumbled disaster in my head wait. The coloured map of the field fills the screen, with each zone laid out in blocks of colour while rows of numbers and graphs track things like target population, ground seed, seed spacing, and all the other shit I don’t really know how to follow. I wait for the usual feeling of frustration to settle in at not understanding it.
But instead, I just see brilliance.
Levi’s brilliance.
He did this. He created this. It’s something I’ll never be able to fully understand, but I’ve felt the results enough to know it’s working. I’ve noticed the planter running smoother in heavy soil, and fewer skips or doubles in tricky patches. And really… I don’t have to understand it. Because I trust him, and I’m slowly getting used to using this new way of doing things. His job is to optimize the farm, and I can’t deny that this new system is helping with that. I’m just sad it took me so long to realize it.
