“It’s just… a lot of emotion,” I continue, dragging my hand through my hair again. “And I…”
I stop. Because the truth sits in the way, and I can’t lie to him.
I’ve never lied to him. And I don’t want to lie to him.
So… Fuck it.
I just fuckingkissedhim. There’s no getting out of this clusterfuck of a shitshow now.
I throw my hands up in the air. “You know what? I’m fucking confused.”
Silas’s brow furrows as he stares back at me.
“I keep checking out your ass and your arms,” I say, gesturing vaguely towards him. “And that’s really fucking confusing because I’veneverbeen attracted to a guy before. Then there’s all this emotional shit from us reconnecting, which somehow makes it even worse because I get fucking butterflies when we touch, and I’m fucking losing it,” I say with a manic laugh as I lift my hands to my head. “I don’t know, man. Being here with you again, with Redwave, helping you, and talking about old memories, I just…” I shrug, no idea what else to say.
Silas just continues to stare back at me, his body stiff and his eyes still wide.
And I think that’s my answer. Even though I don’t know what question I’m hoping he’ll answer.
I’msofucking confused.
So I nod and back up towards the stairs, awkwardly pointing with my thumb over my shoulder. “I’ll just, uh… I’ll go.”
I glance at Winston, who continues to sit between us, looking just as confused as we are, and I turn and head down the stairs. He’ll follow eventually.
I just need to get out of here and sort my fucking shit out.
Jesus Christ, what the fuck is happening?
Because kissing him should have felt wrong… but it felt so right.
THIRTY-FOUR
The tractor bumpsalong the uneven soil as I cross into a new zone, the colour on the map shifting to blue while numbers change across the display and new graphs fill the screen, and my head spins.
But it’s not spinning just because of the display in front of me.
My mind is replaying last night on a loop, over and over, as I try to make sense of it.
Levi kissed me.
And… I kissed him back.
What thefuck…
I watch the target population number drop on the screen, and I barely even care that I don’t understand what it’s adjusting to. Because there are bigger things holding my attention. I need to understand what happened last night.
We were sitting on my porch, and everything felt so… right. My chest was torn open, and every dark cavity was exposed as he saw all my pain, but he didn’t leave. Instead, he leaned in and pulled me closer. He turned on the light instead of leaving me in the dark and made me feel… comfortable.
I’ve never felt like that with anyone before.
Except with Levi. I’ve always felt like that with Levi.
I keep checking out your ass and your arms.
His words echo in my mind, and I grip the steering wheel tighter as it vibrates under my touch from the rough soil beneath the tires. What does that even mean? He’sattractedto me…?
Am I attracted to him?
