“Sorry.” I said that a lot, it seemed.
“Peter, from now on. Don’t lie. Just tell me things straight.”
Easier said than done when he was standing right in front of me.
The way he looked at me.
“I don’t want to watch that…the thing…we did. I don’t. Don’t make me. I don’t want that, and I don’t want to feel like this. I wish things were different, and this is so incredibly awkward, Oliver.”
“Thank you,” he said softly. “That’s better.”
“Sorry. I just feel like I humiliated myself in front of the entire world, and I don’t want to deal with that. Not yet. I can barely deal with myself.”
“No, it’s… It was just… It’s not awkward. It’s just me.” We were standing in front of the bed, like two newlyweds on a virginal wedding night. That part slipped out of my mouth as well, which was probably the completely wrong thing to say despite the laughter spilling out of him.
“No,” he said.
“No?” I had to smile. Because we were simply…ridiculous. Both of us. It was just a bed. And…
“I’m taking this side of the bed, I assume?” He gestured to the side that had nothing on the bedside table. My side? Covered in tissues and papers and too many empty water glasses.
Yes. Looking after myself? Perhaps he was right. I wasn’t very good at it.
“I borrowed your toothbrush,” he declared.
“Oh God.” I sighed. “Very unsanitary.”
“You’re a dentist!” he spat out, but there it was. A smile. Sunshine all over my skin. “You’re supposed to have, like, free samples?”
“I do, but you didn’t ask?” Unsanitary to the max. Ugh. Oliver!
“We kissed.” He winked. “Shared spit. So whatever.”
“No, we didn’t,” I retaliated. “You kissed me. I had nothing to do with it.”
“We kiss now,” he said, the corner of his eye glittering. “Fact.”
“Oliver!” His name. It made me shake my head in disbelief.
“Get into bed, Peter. We know this. We do this all the time.”
“Do we need beer?” I needed beer. All the beer.
“What? No! We’re not stuck in some goddamn studio anymore. We’re here. Bed. We need to sleep. It’s been a long day. No hanky-panky.”
Oh God help me. What had I done? Well. I had to quickly rephrase that in my head.
What had I allowed to happen? And why on earth was I not putting a stop to all this?
“Get in,” he demanded, as I acted like the child I wasn’t. Scooting carefully around to my side, discarding my clothes onto the floor. Why was I even getting undressed? I had no clue, standing there in my boxers like this.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream into the universe. I wanted…
I wondered if I wanted this. All that raw honesty that was bubbling under the surface, covered with a thick layer of something I simply refused to prick through. Because it wasn’t who I was. Wasn’t what I could be. I could so easily destroy everything with one harsh word, but that wasn’t me either. I could say it.
No.
I’d never been good at that word. But I managed to not get into bed and instead get myself upstairs, where I brushed my teeth, vigorously and thoroughly with a brand new toothbrush, like I was somehow ashamed of everything this day had been.
