The silver-reinforced bars of the cell ensure that I couldn’t get out of here even if I wanted to. Silver limits not only my strength, but also my ability to shift or use my alpha command. Even my sense of smell is reduced. I’m practically human. Weak.Pathetic.It’s fucking awful. I can’t even extend a claw to slit my own throat.
I should have ended my life when I still had the chance.
A snarl erupts from somewhere deep inside when Sofia barges into the hallway outside the cells. I told Luca not to let her in. The last thing I need right now is Sofia trying to convince me to keep fighting the inevitable. And she’s like a dog with a bone at the best of times. She won’t let me go easily.
I’m done. Mentally and physically. I can’t fight it anymore. I’m so tired. So damn exhausted from trying to keep my head abovewater. From trying to fight my wolf and cling to my dwindling sanity. I can’t do it anymore.
“It’s time, Ryan. You need to take a mate,” Sofia says, her voice sharp with determination. “Either you head over to Iron Fang and figure out which of those omegas is your fated mate, or you take a chosen mate. I don’t care who, but you need to do it now.”
I stare past her, refusing to meet her eyes. If I do, I’ll see that mix of pity, fear, and stubborn love that has the ability to break my resolve. What good is sticking around when I’m already dead inside? My wolf is riding me hard, pushing me to leave. The last thing I need right now is my human half latching onto hope.
“No.” My voice is flat and devoid of its alpha strength. “She’s not there. My wolf wasn’t remotely interested in any of them. It’s too late. I’ve run out of options.”
I don’t know why I was so sure my mate would be one of the omegas in the first place, alphas can be mated to anyone that balances them, not just an omega. But I guess it was a hope that kept me going for another few weeks. An idea to latch onto when I was already losing it. But hope is a dangerous thing, and I can’t hold on to it anymore.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Sofia yells. “You can’t just give up!” She’s pacing on the other side of the silver bars, fury bleeding through every word while Luca stands to the side. I level him with a look—half glare, half exasperation. I don’t even have the energy to feel angry with him about letting her in here when I expressly ordered against it. It’s not like I’m any sort of alpha anymore. I wouldn’t follow my orders either.
“You’ll be a great luna,” I say, trying to persuade her to drop the idea of me making it through this. Of surviving this. “And Luca can be Alpha. You don’t need me. The pack doesn’t need me.”
Her eyes flash with the golden hue of her wolf. “Bullshit. Whatever part of your brain is telling you that is lying to you. Not taking a chosen mate issuicide.It’s not giving yourself a chance to feel better. I’m standing here telling you I need you. Stop listening to that voice.”
I drag a hand down my face, nails biting into my skin. “This is the reason you need to accept your bond with Luca,” I grind out, frustration building in my gut. She has her fated mate, and she won’t accept the bond. She has no idea what this is like for me. “If I’m not supposed to find my mate, then you can become Alpha and Luna of Lunar Eclipse.”
“I don’t want to be Luna!” she yells, the sound ricocheting through the cell block. “And I refuse to accept this. You need to take a chosen mate. It’s the only option.”
“I can’t,” I snap. “There’s no one I want. No one my wolf will consider.”
She crosses her arms, chin lifting in that infuriatingly familiar way. “See, that’s the problem. You and your damn wolf are too stubborn. You need to start considering it. You need to go to therapy and work out why you’re letting your mommy issues literally destroy you.”
Her words hit harder than any claws. My eyes widen, and then I bark out a rough, humorless laugh. “You’re not serious.”
“Oh, I’m deadly serious. You go to therapy, or you take a chosen mate right now. Hell, I’ll go pick someone out for you myself.”
“Fia, stop,” I growl, and her glare cuts straight through me. “My wolf doesn’t give a shit. Talking about it isn’t going to change anything. I’m still going to go moon mad. It’s not like I have a say in any of it.”
Does she not see that this isn’t what I want?
But she doesn’t flinch. “Bullshit. My wolf wanted Luca the moment we found out we were fated. My human part was still going to reject him. Emily rejected her fated mate. Our wolves don’t control everything. You’re the problem, Ryan. You.”
My stomach twists. Could that be true? My wolf has been pushing me for years to find her. But he’s not the one who forced me into celibacy for the past six years. That was all me. When Mom left Dad, I made a vow to myself—never settle for less than fate. Never risk what happened to Dad happening to me. It felt like the right decision at the time. It still does now, even sitting in this cell.
Because it’s not as bad as what Dad went through.
“Ryan,” Luca’s voice cuts through my thoughts, calm and level. “You need to give it a chance. I get that you don’t believe there’s any hope, and maybe there’s not, but how would you feel if the roles were reversed? If Sofia was going to let herself die rather than even try to get help?”
The words land like a punch to the gut. If things were reversed, I would never accept her making the same choice I am. But it doesn’t feel like a choice.
It’s not like I want to die.
But I’ve lost the will to live. To fight. The madness has been creeping in for close to three years. I didn’t realize it at first, but I was easier to anger, and I needed to run in wolf form more often. For the past two years, though, it’s been impossible to ignore. The constant gnawing in my mind. The lack of control. The way my wolf tears against my restraints at all times and the way I’ve been losing the battle far too often. It’s all too much to bear.
If it weren’t for the silver bars tamping down my wolf right now, I doubt I would be managing to have this conversation at all.
Sofia is breathing hard, and her eyes are glassy and wet. But she’ll move on after I’ve gone. She can grieve me, and then it will get easier. They’ll all be better off without me.
“Please, Ryan. Please don’t leave me like they did. Please fight. For me?” Her voice cracks on the last word, and something inside me breaks open.
I drop my head into my hands, fingers threading through my hair as the defeat I’ve been feeling weighs me down. I’m so tired. Of this conversation. Of Sofia trying to save me when there is no hope left. But if I’m going to let myself succumb to the ever-present threat of moon madness, the least I can do is pretend I’m not giving up too easily.
