If it wasn’t for her, then I wouldn’t have hurt the one person that I loved the most.
My Celeste.
Evvie, I hope you’re ready for me. I can’t wait to break you.
Chapter 24
Evelyn
The garden was quiet except for the occasional static coming from the radio at William’s waist as he paced around. Dr. Beck was waiting for me to respond, and I was stalling, staring at the hedge in front of me as if it might speak the answer to me.
“What do you want to do with your life?”
I asked myself this once before, and the mere thought of a future brought hives to my skin. Although the thought didn’t send me into an immediate panic, I still hadn’t worked out the answer yet.
“You don’t have to answer now, but I’d like you to think about it. There’s a light at the end of this tunnel, a future for you. Think about what you want to do with your second chance at life.”
“I will.” I made a note in my journal to do this as my homework. Every week, he left me with a question to answer and discuss in our next session. Dr. Beck and I had been meeting twice a week via a secure video platform for the last three weeks while I adjusted to life in Oakland Ridge. Thankfully, he had been more than willing to accommodate me, given the circumstances.
“How have you been navigating your touch aversion?”
“I’m still having trouble with people touching me unexpectedly. But it’s been nice being touched, as weird as it sounds. I hadn't realized how much I missed a hug or someone holding my hand.” At first, Janae and Aja’s affectionate ways were overwhelming. Each time they locked arms with me or leaned into a hug, I had to stop myself from pulling away. After a few moments and some internal convincing, my body eventually would relax, and I could enjoy it.
I fidgeted as I watched Dr. Beck take notes. His hair was pulled back in a ponytail out of his bearded face, and today he was wearing a tie with panda bears on it that made me roll my eyes the moment the call started.
“Evelyn, I see you’re nervous, and there truly is no reason to be. We don’t have to talk about him if you don’t want to.” He said, lifting his head from his notepad.
I chanced a look at William and caught his smirk. I chucked a pebble at his leg from where I sat on the grass. William was always close by. He tried his best to give me privacy, but he couldn't very well turn his ears off.
William stepped a few paces away to give me some more space, and I appreciated it.
“We can talk about him. I—” I start but struggle to finish. Dr. Beck waits silently.
Plucking a blade of grass from the ground, I throw it on an exhale.
“I like him, but I don’t want to. I shouldn’t even be thinking about him right now.”
I braced myself for the questions. Dr. Beck had a way of drawing things out of me. He never pushed any subject. But he had a way of guiding you towards the necessary breakthroughs.
“Evelyn, do you believe that you aren’t meant to be happy?”
Yes. “No. Maybe. I don’t know. How am I supposed to move on and act like nothing ever happened? I’m supposed to ride off into the sunset with the first guy that makes me feel safe when my sister’s killer is hunting me.”
“You aren’t meant to forget—your mother and sister are with you in the memories and moments that you shared. Happiness and joy can exist alongside grief. Think about how you can honor them; start a tradition, something that keeps their memory alive.” He leaned into the view, his eyebrows raised high. “And safe, huh? That’s really big, Evelyn.”
“I know, that’s why I’m freaking out. I don’t trust myself anymore, and the timing? This feels like a cruel joke. Whatever this is with Parker, it can’t happen.”
Getting caught up in Parker’s kind brown eyes and his sexy smirk seemed like the worst idea.
“What are you afraid of?”
I picked at my thumbnail, searching for the right words. “He just seems too good to be true, and after what I went through in the past, I just can’t go down that road of disappointment again.”
“Does the situation feel the same?”
That was the real question, wasn’t it?
“Would I even know the difference?” I countered. Trust didn’t come easy for me, and though I trusted Parker enough to leave New York with him, I don’t trust my own discernment.
