I wanted off this toxic merry-go-round, and I thought I’d made that pretty damn clear.
“I hate to ask this,” Mom said, and I realized I’d missed whatever she’d been saying before that. “But…”
I knew exactly where this was headed. My brother owed money to his dealer. His car was broken down—again. He’d gotten arrested. It was always something, and it was never his fault.
Sometimes, it really wasn’t. And I didn’t want my brother to struggle, but I also knew that I couldn’t continue to enable him. It wasn’t good for him, for me, or for anyone.
“I love Jules, and I absolutely want to help him. But I’m not giving him any more money.” I was sick of him treating me like an ATM. I’d learned that lesson real quick.
“I just…” She sniffled again, and my heart broke a little. “Can you please just try talking to him? You’ve always been the cool older brother. Jules only listens to you.”
“Jules doesn’t listen to anyone.” I wasn’t trying to be callous, though my delivery probably wasn’t the best. “He hasn’t for a long time.”
Not since his accident.
He’d been an Olympic-level snowboarder, at least until a career-ending injury. At first, he’d tried to ignore the doctor’s recommendations. He’d convinced himself that he could returnto competition just as he had every other time. He knew what it was like to train—to perform—through pain. We both did.
It was only after being airlifted off the half-pipe the last time that he’d realized it was over. And from that point, it had all been downhill. He’d gone from pushing his limits on the snow to pushing everyone away. If self-destruction were an Olympic sport, he’d have a gold medal.
I could understand why he’d had to try, even if I’d been concerned for him. If I’d been in his shoes, I probably would’ve done the same thing. But ever since then, he’d struggled with the injury, the pain. And he used painkillers to cope.
I’d tried to help him, I had. I’d given him more money than I cared to account for, time, emotional resources. And none of it had made a damn difference.
I could empathize with everything he’d endured. The idea of not being able to participate in the sport I loved was unthinkable. Hockey had always been an escape. And after losing Derek, it had helped me cope. Survive.
“If you won’t talk to him, will you at least…”
“Mom,” I said with as much strength and compassion as I could muster. “I’ve told you and Dad.” Hell, even Jules when we’d still been talking. “If he wants to go to rehab, I would be happy to pay for it. Otherwise, there’s nothing more to discuss.”
“So, that’s it?” Anger vibrated through her tone, and I hated that my brother’s actions were putting a strain on my relationship with my parents. “You’re just going to write your brother off?”
“No,” I gritted out. It was heartbreaking not talking to my brother, but the alternative wasn’t good for anyone. And I was sick of my parents pressuring me to help. “I always hope that he will find a better path. But we’ve tried and we’ve tried, and if he isn’t willing to admit he needs help, then I’m not going to continue to enable him.”
The line was silent for a moment, and when I glanced at the screen, I could see that the call was still connected. I guess neither of us had anything more to say. At least, I didn’t. I hadn’t wanted to go there, but she’d pushed me too far.
“I’m sorry, Frasier,” Mom said, and the defeated tone of her voice broke me. “I’m…sorry.”
I didn’t want her to be sorry. I wanted my brother to stop hurting everyone and take responsibility for his actions.
“I don’t want to continue enabling him either,” she admitted. “But I’m at a loss for what to do. Your brother owes someone twenty thousand dollars, and I’m scared of what will happen if he doesn’t pay.”
My stomach churned. I knew that when she said “someone,” she was referring to Jules’s dealer. I also knew this wasn’t the first time this had happened.
My parents had paid off Jules’s debt before, and when I’d found out, I’d been furious. Jules had promised it would never happen again, and yet here we were.
“Please, Frasier.” Mom was sobbing now, and my chest felt as if it were being cleaved in two. “I wouldn’t ask if we had any other options, but there have been threats…”
I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. What was I supposed to say to that? This was a no-win situation. If I helped, my brother might be safe. But for how long? How long would it be until he fucked up again? Until he—or my parents—expected me to bail him out again?
I wasn’t trying to be insensitive. I cared about my brother, even if I was deeply disappointed and saddened by his actions. But if I helped, Jules’s dealer would keep running up his credit. Taking advantage of my brother’s addiction and demanding higher and higher sums of money.
And if I didn’t help…
I shuddered, imagining the potential consequences not just to my brother but to my parents. But I wasn’t sure that paying the money would solve anything. In fact, I had a feeling it would only make matters worse.
“You need to go to the police,” I said.
“We can’t. They told Jules if he went to the police…” She stopped talking, and I knew she was too upset, too rattled, to continue.
