3
KIKI STRANG
Kiki hung up the phone and closed her eyes for just a second as she took a deep breath and let the early-morning sun warm her through the window. She loved this time of the day. It was peaceful. Calm. At the little bistro table that sat next to the window in the kitchen, she would sip her tea and watch the sun on the horizon rising over the city. And sometimes she could convince herself that she was in Paris, or New York, or a dozen other places that she’d never been to. The South Side of Glasgow was one of those typical big city areas that had gorgeous, affluent districts nestled only a stone’s throw away from underprivileged communities. From her seat at the window, Kiki could pretend that she was in one of the stunning homes that she could see around her, just a few streets but a million miles from her two-bedroom flat on the tenth floor of a run-down high-rise block. She could listen to a symphony on the classical music channel on the radio and let it soothe her soul, because the junkies next door had been up until 3a.m. as usual, music banging through the walls, so they wouldn’t wake until noon, when they needed to go out for their next fix. They weren’t bad people, but consideration for their neighbours went right out the window when the dope kicked in.
That was why she loved early mornings. She could breathe. She could think. She could ponder any worries, ready to push them out of the way so that she could enjoy the moment that her gorgeous sixteen-year-old daughter, Ava, woke up and flooded the flat with music and chat.
Until a couple of weeks ago, Kiki would usually be out of the house by now, already on the bus that she took to get her to her job as a teaching assistant in the primary school that served this area. The original, local building had been shut down a few years ago, so now the kids were bussed to a shared campus about a thirty minute drive away. She used to drive to work, but her car was old, clapped out and temperamental, and hadn’t worked since its last breakdown a couple of months ago. That was a problem for another day, though, because right now, the schools were broken up for summer, so much as she missed the job she loved, she could relax for an hour or so until she went to her second place of employment.
She usually worked in the little boutique on Pollokshaws Road on Saturdays and Sundays, but during the school holidays, the owner, Dinah, gave her extra hours during the week and occasionally let Ava work there too. Today, they were only going in for a couple of hours because as she’d just told Netta on the phone, tonight was going to be a special night for Ava. In fact, if Kiki strained her neck to the left and squinted she could see the old church that housed her daughter’s drama and music academy. All the teenage students and their parents had been invited to watch the first screening of the fly-on-the-wall documentary about the Academy tonight and Ava was treading the line between being excited that she could be in it and equally terrified that she could be in it.
Just as Kiki was having that thought, Ava wandered through from her bedroom, still wiping the sleep from her beautiful brown eyes. The sight of her sleepy face melted Kiki’s heart just as much as it did when Ava was four or six or ten. ‘Morning, sweetheart.’
‘Morning, Mum.’ Her daughter gave her a quick hug, as she passed on the way to the fridge, where she took out a yoghurt and the bowl of berries that Kiki had already washed and left there, then dropped two slices of bread into the toaster.
Kiki noticed the uncharacteristic silence first, then the slump of her daughter’s shoulders and the general air of… sadness? Despondence? Ava had gone to bed last night full of chatter about tonight’s outing, so Kiki’s mind went straight to the one thing that could have burst that bubble this morning.
‘Did you hear from your dad?’ Kiki asked, crossing her fingers, hoping she was wrong. Ava would be crushed if Kev didn’t make it tonight. He worked on a two weeks on and two weeks off schedule on the oil rigs off the north coast and was due onshore in Aberdeen this morning, which should give him enough time to get here before lunchtime. He’d promised his daughter that they’d go shopping this afternoon to buy her a new outfit for tonight, but that wasn’t Ava’s priority. She just wanted her dad to be present for once.
‘No. He said he’d call when he got back to the mainland. That should have been around seven this morning, but I haven’t heard from him yet.’
Kiki tried her best to show no reaction, but it took a moment to unclench her jaw so she could speak. If she had a pound for every time Kev let them down, she wouldn’t be living in a shitty flat in a block that only ever had one lift working and even then, they had to hold their breath for ten floors so the smell of pee didn’t make their eyes stream.
‘I’m sure he’ll make it.’ She wasn’t, but there was nothing to be gained from sharing that right now. She’d long since stopped being surprised when Kev disappointed them, because he’d pretty much been a let down from the moment the blue line appeared on the stick. Neither of them had planned for her to get pregnant when they’d barely turned sixteen. It was one night, after a few months of dating, and yes, oh the fricking cliché of it, the first time they’d both had sex. The result was a relationship that was already over by the time she realised that she was pregnant. His parents were deeply religious, which might make you think they’d have done all that ‘love thy neighbour and thy son’s pregnant teenage ex-girlfriend’, but the opposite was true. They’d shipped their whole family north to Aberdeen, shunned Kiki and agreed to nothing more than a nominal monthly payment that Kev had taken over years later when he’d left university and started working. Since then, he’d married, got a job on the oil rigs and now Ava had a dad she saw a few times a year and two young siblings that she barely knew. Meanwhile, Kiki’s parents had both passed, so she’d pretty much done it all on her own.
There had only been one person in her corner. The love of her life. Even though, for a million different reasons, they had never been able to truly be together, they’d had a love affair that had spanned over fifteen years. He’d been her rock. Her safe place. Until now. Something had changed. Six months ago, he’d disappeared from her life, cut off all contact. There had been just one text. ‘Sorry. We can’t see each other anymore.’
That was it.
Fifteen years of loving him and being loved back.
Fifteen years of keeping his secrets.
Fifteen years of staying in the background while he chased his dreams.
Fifteen years of hiding their relationship, even from her own daughter.
Fifteen years of promises that one day they’d be together, and all the secrecy would be worth it.
Kiki still didn’t understand it and sometimes it hurt so much she could barely breathe through the pain. Her grief came in waves, like the contractions she’d felt when she had Ava: swift, excruciating, violent… And worse, because as soon as one was over, she was left with the terror of anticipating the next one.
The sound of her daughter’s voice pulled her out of her thoughts. Over at the toaster, Ava was quietly singing a Taylor Swift song about someone called Ophelia. It felt like her girl had been singing since before she could talk and their lives had been lived to a soundtrack of music – whether it was numbers from musicals, or classic rock, or chart hits, every day was set to a perpetual playlist. Kiki had no idea where that talent came from, certainly not her side of the family, but even her untrained ear could appreciate that her daughter was undeniably gifted. That’s why she deserved to have the best shot of sharing that with the world.
Ava buttered her toast, then brought it all over to the tiny table by the window and joined her. ‘Mum, have you thought any more about the extra private lessons?’
Kiki had thought about nothing much else for the last few weeks. The whole premise of the Academy was that it was an organisation designed to help kids from underprivileged areas, but that was a wide spectrum and Ava had learned that the parents of a couple of the other students had managed to scrape together the fees to send their kids for weekly private vocal and drama lessons at a prestigious private conservatoire in the city centre. Those students were progressing by leaps and bounds, and since the conservatoire was the first stop for agents and casting directors, they were the ones who were getting in front of producers and winning parts. Ava’s attendance at the Academy was free, but the reality was that if she were to have a real chance of attaining her dream career, then the lessons and the contacts she would make at the private sessions would be invaluable.
Kiki had asked Kev to contribute, but with two other kids and a wife who wasn’t exactly open to financing a child from a previous relationship, he’d said he couldn’t afford another commitment.
So that left it down to Kiki. And even with two jobs, she barely had enough to cover their bills. She’d thought about getting another credit card. Or a bank loan. But then, she’d be repaying that for years, and if Ava wanted to go to college or university, even with a grant and a student loan, there would be more expenses that Kiki would have to cover.
She realised that Ava was still waiting for her to answer. ‘I have, love, and I’m still working on it. I’ll figure something out.’
‘Thanks, Mum. But please don’t, like, stress out if you can’t manage it. I know how things are. It’s honestly fine. I’ll just keep working really hard at the Academy.’
Kiki wasn’t sure what cracked her heart more – the fact that Ava didn’t even have to explain what she meant by ‘how things are’ or her daughter’s understanding of how tough things were and her reluctance to pile more on to Kiki’s plate. How was this fair? Her daughter was the most un-entitled, considerate, kind-hearted child and they’d always been a team. The two of them, in it together. Over the years, she’d asked for so little, understanding that she wasn’t going to have the latest trainers or a swanky new iPhone. This was the only thing Ava had ever truly wanted and that’s why Kiki had to find a way to make it happen.
They chatted while Ava ate her breakfast, then washed up her plate and mug and put it on the drying rack.
