Kiki remembered the moment Ava had burst in and excitedly told her that an actual real-life TV star was coming to work with them. Casey Lowen was one of the many celebrities who had done shows or workshops at the Academy. Clearly, Ollie Chiles could pull in favours in high places. That thought made her stomach begin to churn, so it was a relief when the sound of Ava’s giggle distracted her and made her laugh. She didn’t hear it often enough these days.
The last year had been such a stress for her girl, with her schoolwork, exams and then moving full-time to the Academy. Much as she loved it there, there had been a ferociously competitive audition process for a starring role in the next Academy theatre production, a Christmas show that would take place in December. There had been months of auditions – dancing, singing and acting – which, according to Ava, had all been filmed by the documentary crew for the three-part series that was being screened tonight. However, the cast of the festive production was going to be announced tonight after the screening, which was all very well if a second series was going to be commissioned, but if not, the audience would never learn who got the parts. Of course, if it was Ava, then Kiki wanted the world to know. But if it was one of the kids whose parents had stumped up for extra lessons and coaching… well, that would just add another injustice to the large pile of them that Kiki was holding up at the moment. She had to make this better. Had to protect Ava’s heart. She wasn’t one of those parents who thought her daughter was entitled to win everything, but a level playing field was the least she could hope for. Besides, what mum didn’t want her child’s dreams to come true?
Ava had gone back to enlisting the help of Bryony Browne on TikTok to manifest solutions to her worries, so Kiki left her to it. The movement of the bus was so rhythmic, and the temperature so warm, that she closed her eyes and let her mind be still. But only for a second. Because, as always, the memories replayed in her head. For years, this was how she’d dealt with the fact that she could only be with the man she loved in snatched moments. She’d just close her eyes, and pick out one of her favourite memories. She’d replay it in her mind, and she’d savour every single moment, every glance, every word, every touch. Today, perhaps because she was contemplating the abrupt end of her relationship with him, her mind took her right back to the beginning. To the first day they met, in school, as two sixteen-year-old kids. It all played out like a movie in her head.
‘Anyone sitting here?’ he’d asked, gesturing to the empty stool next to her in chemistry. Kiki took a moment to process what he was asking her. There was no one in this whole class, actually no one in this whole year group, who thought for a second that anyone would be sitting there. Of course it was empty. It had been that way for four months since her pregnancy had begun to show.
Once upon a time, Kev had sat there, but now he was over at the long table at the front with all his mates. She still hadn’t worked that one out. Everyone knew he was her baby’s dad – they’d been going out together since the third year Christmas dance two years ago – and yet, he wasn’t scorned or treated with disdain for knocking up his girlfriend. In fact, sometimes it seemed like his pals had put him on a pedestal, like he was this big man in school now. So big, he’d distanced himself from her, dumped her, and she’d heard rumours that his parents were considering moving him to a new school. Meanwhile, it felt like she’d become a social outcast. Although, she was aware that she had to take some responsibility for that. For the last couple of years, she’d let her friendships drift, because she’d spent every spare moment with Kev, or looking after her mum, who had lost herself in a bottle since her dad died. Ironic. He’d passed from cirrhosis of the liver two years ago, and now her mum was coping by going down the same path. Her former friends just didn’t get it. They were worried about make-up or getting tickets to a concert, while Kiki’s biggest concerns every day were keeping her mum and vodka in separate rooms, and finding time to be with Kev when her mum had crashed out somewhere. Her mum hadn’t cared that Kev would sleep over. In fact, Kiki wasn’t even sure that she noticed. And, of course, Kev loved the freedom of hanging out at her place. He would lie to his parents, tell them he was having sleepovers with his mates, and instead, they had the flat to themselves right up until closing time at the pub her mum worked in. Or, rather, used to work in. She’d been fired a few weeks ago for drinking the profits.
At first, it had been pretty innocent. Sleeping in the same bed. Watching TV. Cuddling. Talking half the night. But then there had been that one time they’d gone so much further and now the evidence of that was straining her back as she sat alone in class.
Some of her old mates still spoke to her, but it was polite. Cursory. And none of them were in this class, so for the last four months, she’d sat at the back, at a table designed for four, with three empty chairs next to her.
Now this guy was asking if the seat was taken. And not just any guy. The best-looking one in the school, the bloke that almost every girl would give up their entire Rihanna and Katy Perry collections for if it meant he’d sit next to them. He usually sat on the other side of the room with his mate, but now he was standing there waiting for her answer.
‘N… n… no. No one is sitting there.’
Was this a joke? Or a dare? Oh shit, that was it. All the guys at Kev’s table at the front had now turned around and were watching them. They’d obviously organised this to take the piss out of her and add just another layer of humiliation to her already decidedly crap life.
She waited for the punchline. For the hammer of the joke to fall. But it never came. Instead, he sat down on the stool, slung his backpack on the desk and then pulled out his chemistry books. ‘Thanks. My pal, Des, is off today and I can’t be arsed with that lot…’ he said, nodding to the lads at Kev’s table, ‘but I didn’t fancy sitting alone.’
Kiki’s face was burning. ‘No worries.’ She tried to calm the thud in her chest. Okay, this was fine. Maybe not a prank. Class will be over in an hour and ten minutes, so just don’t say a word, and you won’t draw attention to yourself. Apart from Kev’s table, who were now nudging each other and gesturing to her, and the table of the cool girls who were glancing back at her, wide-eyed with surprise. Keep your head down. Don’t speak. This will all blow over.
‘I noticed that you dropped out of drama class,’ he whispered.
Obviously the ‘don’t speak’ memo hadn’t reached him.
‘Yeah, they wouldn’t let me do the show because… well…’ She cast her eyes downwards, just in case he was the only guy in the whole school that didn’t know she was pregnant.
‘That’s shit that they cut you, though. I mean, it doesn’t affect your ability to act.’
‘No, but it does affect my ability to play the Virgin Mary in the nativity play.’
He flushed the colour of his bright red hoodie as he worked that one out. She’d worked so hard to get that part, but, of course, she’d been ‘encouraged’ to withdraw when she’d discovered her condition. She was already four months gone at that point – too late to make a decision about whether or not to have the baby. In some ways, she was glad that choice had been taken out of her hands, because she wasn’t sure what she would have done. Her mother had barely spoken to her since she’d found out, other than using Kiki’s condition as an excuse to be even more maudlin when she’d had ten too many drinks. Much like Kev, her teachers seemed to be quietly ignoring the situation. So now, she spent most of the day alone, panicking about the uncertainty of her future. The only thing she knew for sure was that while she was probably uniquely placed to play a pregnant virgin, she couldn’t pull off the second half of the nativity story which took place after the birth. Her drama teachers could barely conceal their relief that she’d agreed to quit before they had to have an uncomfortable conversation as to why Mary’s baby bump hadn’t disappeared when her child was happily settled in his crib in the manger.
‘Yeah, well, it’s their loss. You killed it last year inCalamity Jane.’
She blushed at the compliment. She’d played Jane and he’d been Wild Bill Hickok, and almost every word they’d exchanged had been on stage because she’d been too shy to talk to him. Also, Kev had been jealous and had watched her like a hawk from one of the tables in the on-set saloon.
The teacher demanded their attention at that point and Kiki was almost relieved to focus on work and not on her classmates’ furtive glances and the ever-increasing need to pee. This had happened a lot since the eight-month mark – but she was already dinging the top of the mortified scale, and she wasn’t going to add waddling out of the room to her state of embarrassment.
They didn’t speak again until the end of the lesson, when he said, ‘Look, come back to drama class. I know you can’t perform, but at least you can hang out with me, and we can have a laugh.’
She couldn’t stand it anymore. Better to pull off this Band-Aid of a façade before they got to whatever joke he was playing. ‘Why? Why are you being nice to me? You know what everyone thinks of me around here. If this is some kind of game, I don’t want to play it.’
He stared straight at her, his forehead wearing a frown at first, before he shrugged. ‘Do you remember in first year, when I was the only guy to join the drama group, and then all those pricks made fun of me for years?’
Kiki did remember it. Back then, he’d been shorter than everyone else, and he didn’t have the jawline or the perfect teeth, or the broad shoulders or the drop-dead handsome face that he had now. She nodded, saying nothing.
‘Yeah, well, I remember that too. So if it’s okay with you, I’d like to sit next to you in every class. And I’d like you to come back to drama group until… well, until you can’t. And any time you’ve had enough of this lot, just text me.’ He glanced around the room, took in the stares, smiled, then leaned back in so only she could hear him. ‘Because, you know, fuck them. You’re better than them all.’
There was no bolt of lightning. No Hallelujah chorus. No confetti falling from the sky. But that was the moment that her whole life changed. Right there, as the bell rang in chemistry, she fell in love with him. And that didn’t change until…
Actually, despite how pissed off she was with him now, that had never changed. There was still a part of her that believed that maybe there was a world in which they would ride off into the sunset together.
Ava’s nudge to her shoulder snapped her back from 2009 to a hot, claustrophobic bus on the South Side of Glasgow.
‘Mum, this is our stop. Time to get off. Your eyes were closed. Were you sleeping?’
