“I remember.”
“It’s how I feel in the library too, because I think about our mother in there, and I’m—” My words cut off. I can’t say that I’m glad she’s dead. I just can’t. So I say, “I’m glad neither of them can see me. Like I am now.”
Vitali is silent for a time, taking in what I’ve said, and haven’t said. Then he tells me quietly, “You have nothing to be ashamed of, Roman.”
I close my eyes, relieved but also upset that Vitali heard the word I couldn’t say. It’s such a painfully human word.
I don’t know what to do with it.
Vitali says, “God, Roman, I’m just—” His sentence gets chokes off. His head is still angled down, but I see the tears fall. “Fuck.” He swipes the back of his wrist across his eyes. He doesn’t lift his head. “I’m just so fucking glad you’re here.”
Having him say those words again, seeing how upset he is, I realize how much he needs me to hear this. I keep having trouble with it, and I think that’swhy he keeps saying it. He needs it to land in me. For some reason, this time, it does.
My throat tightens. My hand lifts from my thigh. I almost feel like I’m not controlling it as I reach out and set it on Vitali’s shoulder. That just makes things harder for him. His breathing gets harsh. He starts shaking. He drops the glass between his feet. The heavy crystal doesn’t break, just thuds onto the carpet, spilling whiskey.
My fingers tighten on his shoulder. I pull at him. He still doesn’t look at me, but he turns my way. I keep pulling at him, but I have to stand up to close the distance. He stands too. I haven’t hugged anyone but Lucas in years. And the last person I hugged before Lucas was probably my mother before she died.
It’s strange to hug my brother. He’s almost as big as I am. He’s the size of someone I would usually fight. But I don’t have to fight him. He’s not against me. He’s not a danger to me. He’s … a safe person for me. It stops feeling strange. It just feels good.
But at the end of it, I feel weak and shaky, like there’s a lot of adrenaline in my body but it just skates along my nerves and never gets to my muscles.
I pull away from Vitali and walk straight to the door, suddenly desperate to escape. I wasn’t ready for that. I need to get out of here. I need Lucas.
I walk along the hallway to the stairs and up to the main floor. As I enter the sitting room, I spot Lucas seated on the stairs up to the upper floor. He’s on the third step, so when I reach the foot of thestaircase, he’s close enough to touch. But he doesn’t reach out. He just looks up at me. He looks wary, a little guarded. He’s still upset with me. I’m a little upset with him too. I didn’t like what he said. He scared me. I guess … I scared him too.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him.
He swallows hard. “It’s okay.”
“I’m trying,” I say quietly.
His eyes fill with tears. “I know.”
When I reach for him, he springs up into my arms. He wraps his legs around my waist and holds on tight. The position is similar to when I fucked him, but it feels completely different now.
His face tucks against me, and mine tucks against him. I hold him for a long time, until I start to feel centered again, until I start to feel calm.
NINE
Lucas
When I open my eyes in the dark room, I know instantly that Roman is gone. I can feel the empty space on the bed behind me where he’s supposed to be. It’s been two nights since I woke him from that nightmare and everything went to hell. I don’t think he’s really slept since.
I get up and find my sweats and t-shirt then walk across the bedroom to the door. Opening it reveals the dark hallway, dimly illuminated by nightlights.
Everything is quiet.
When I reach the staircase, I see a faint glow of light. I go down then walk through the sitting room to the kitchen, where the above-sink light is on. Roman, wearing only his black warmups, is sitting atthe dining table in his usual spot, his back to the wall. He watches me walk in.
“You were asleep when I left,” he says. “I know you were.”
I halt at his words, stung by them. I feel like he’s saying that he wanted to escape me, that he’s annoyed that I’m here. I know that’s not what he means. I’ve already been through this with myself. But I can’t get enough control of my reaction to walk straight through those words, so I veer off. I go instead to the back counter, where I snag the electric kettle and take it to the sink.
I hear Roman get up. As I position the kettle under the faucet, he comes to stand behind me. He reaches around me, taking the kettle from my grip. I let him have it, dropping my hands to the edge of the sink, relieved to have him trap me there, like I’m not allowed to leave.
He fills the kettle and puts it aside. Then his hands settle over top of mine. I lean back against him. He takes a deep breath.
“I don’t like that I keep waking you,” he says quietly.
