“I know you wouldn’t. That’s not what I’m trying to say.”
“Then what is it?”
“I like being needed,” Will says quietly. “By you.”
Take what you need from me. Thememory of those words alone is enough to give me strength. I know I’ll only hurt myself more if I fall back into old patterns, or even let myself daydream things could be different. They aren’t different. He made his choice and I will respect that.
“I will always need you in my life, Will. You’re my best friend. My family,” I say, purposefully leaving out the wordbrother. Then I take a deep inhale through my nose and say the hardpart. “But I don’t want to have to need someone—even you. Not like that.”
I’m not sure if I manage to keep the sadness out of the breathy laugh that escapes me.
“You can pretend all you like that waking up to someone humping your leg isn’t problematic, but it’s actually pretty humiliating.”
“It—”
“—it doesn’t mean anything to you, I get that. But it twists me up inside, and if we’re making a point not to cross certain lines, I can’t let them blur for any reason. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us.”
As much as it hurts, I know this is the right thing to do. I cannot remain codependent as I am on Will, and he can’t continue to treat me like a pet or a possession. We both need to learn to have healthy boundaries, otherwise what will happen some day when either of us actually want to date for real? What if Will wants to get married some day?
I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to entirely set aside my feelings for Will, but I want to be the kind of person who can wish him the best and be happy for him if he found what he’s looking for. I absolutely don’t want to be the person standing next to him at the altar, drowning in misery because I wish it were me instead.
All I can do is focus on the future. On growing and strengthening my resolve not to obsess over someone who either can’t or won’t love me the same way.
We’ve got our favorite charity show coming up. Jesse talked us into dressing up inRocky Horror Picture Showcostumes, which I’m looking forward to even if Will isn’t. It’s been fun to rag on him about not looking hot for once.
And I’ll be catching up with Alonso again in New Orleans. He might even come to the show. Over the last few days since I met him, we’ve enjoyed getting to know each other, aside from what happened at the hotel, of course. But we’ve texted since then, and I ran into him when we went to visit Lance, the security guard who was hurt. Thankfully, both guys that were injured walked away with superficial injuries.
When I’m spending time with Alonso or just texting, I have to purposefully put myself in the moment to allow myself to enjoy spending time with him. It’s too easy to compare him to Will or categorize the differences in the feelings I have for them. Alonso is a sweetheart. He’s kind and genuine and funny. He’s charming as all get out, and no one can deny he’s hot as hell—he was voted this year’s sexiest man alive for a reason. There is definitely attraction there, even if it isn’t the burning, all-encompassing need I have for Will. If it weren’t for a lifetime’s worth of pent-up love and devotion to my foster brother, I could easily see a possibility of more there.
If I’m ever going to have a chance, I need to focus on that possibility. I need to focus on pushing myself outside my Will-shaped comfort zone.
And really, how bad could it be letting the sexiest man alive fuck me?
SEVENTEEN
WILL
New Orleans is one of my favorite places. Great food, great music, great vibes—it’s one big party all the time, and the people here are chill. There’s a reason why we do our annual charity concert here.
This year though, it’s just not hitting the same. Instead of the food and foliage, all I can smell is rot and rain. Instead of feeling the music and energy of the city amp me up, I feel overwhelmed and on edge. The rest of the band is feeling all the good vibes this city has to offer, but I’m ready to move on already.
Ari is going on a date.
Anactualdate. He said those exact words, “it’s a date”, when Alonso invited him out for dinner and drinks tonight. Jesse said it when he asked what Ari planned to wear on theirdate. Naz said it again when he insinuated Ari may need to prep for hisdatebecause after seeing Alonso on set today, he’s convinced the rumors that Alonso is hung are true. Then Ari drilled it into my skull one more time when he disappeared into his room to get ready for hisdatewith a stupid grin on his face.
I’m getting really tired of hearing how perfect this guy is. As if I don’t already know.
The whole band had the pleasure of visiting Alonso on set earlier today. He’s filming nearby for a highly anticipated period film. And of course, Alonso looks ridiculously handsome in his costume of a frilly shirt and stupidly tight pants. Being on a movie set should have been cool, but I spent most of the visit considering how I’d rather drown myself in the swamp rather than watch Alonso make googly eyes at Ari.
Thank fuck the weather’s been in a shittier mood than I have, and the sky opened up, sending everyone running for cover. Not before Alonso kissed Ari on the motherfucking hand and asked him out, though. In the rain. In his stupid romantic outfit, wet hair flopping perfectly over his forehead. I’m pretty sure everyone within a mile’s radius swooned, except for me, who was looking around for a gator to kiss on the mouth to try to keep from screaming.
He’s been getting ready for an hour now. What is he doing in there?
Just as I’m thinking it, the door to Ari’s bedroom opens.
Jesse lets out a low whistle from where he’s sprawled across the arm of the couch, phone in hand. “Damn, girl.”
Naz slow-claps appreciatively. “Yeah, okay. I see you.”
