“Yeah man,” Naz says, crushing the bottle in his fist before tossing it into the recycling. “It’s hot. And chicks dig dudes in eyeliner.” He fist bumps Will.
“What would you know about whatchickslike?” I ask teasingly.
Naz just grins and puts on a pair of sunglasses. “I’m gonna go for a walk before I join in on harassing Jesse. See you over there later?”
We both nod and watch as Naz leaves. Zane and Scott, the new bodyguard, are hanging out in the lobby outside the door. Naz’s spine straightens when he sees them, huffing as the door thuds closed behind him.
Then it’s just me and Will again. The space between us feels charged and… wrong. I really hate this tip-toeing around each other that we’ve been doing, and I’m kicking myself for making things worse.
“What’s his deal with the new bodyguard?” Will asks.
“No clue.”
The silence is almost too much, but now that I’m faced with the opportunity to say something, I’m at a loss for words. I set the sandwich Emmy made me down and turn to face Will directly. We end up speaking at the same time.
“We should talk about?—”
“I’m sorry about the other day.”
There’s a couple of seconds of us both opening and closing our mouths, unsure if we should say something or let the other go first.
“I’m sorry, you go?—”
“No, you go first?—”
“Really, it’s okay. Go ahead.”
I swallow. “I did want to talk about the other day. But you don’t have anything to apologize for. I shouldn’t have—” I will the heat creeping up my neck to not be too obvious.
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Will says softly.
“I made you uncomfortable. Again. And I shouldn’t have been there in the first place.”
“What do you mean?”
“In your bed, I mean. I’ve worked really hard not to rely on anyone at night like that and?—”
Will is quick to throw in, “Ari I don’t mind, really. I never have.”
“I know you don’t. That’s not the point, though.”
The point is I’ve worked hard not to need him, and the other night felt like regression. The point is that I shouldn’t rely on other people for comfort or validation. Because the worst part of the other night is that I’m not even sure I did truly need him. Nightmares weren’t keeping me awake. Yes, I was shaken up by what had happened, but mostly I’d enjoyed how close he’d kept me all night and I just wanted to be with him. Not for any other reason than it felt good.
The point is that it’s not okay for me to use him like that.
“We both know from experience that I have no boundaries when I’m asleep. It’s a huge reason why the sleeping arrangement is an issue in the first place. The last thing I ever want to do is make you uncomfortable.”
“I’m not uncomfortable.”
“You literally jumped out of bed and ran away. And you’ve barely spoken a word to me since.
“That’s because—Uh. I—” Will chokes on whatever words he’s trying to get out.
“Will, it’s okay.”
“What? What’s okay?”
“It’s okay for things to not be like that between us. I’d never try to push that on you, no matter what’s happened in the past.”
