“I don’t know. Maybe a little of both?”
My forehead creases. He just acknowledged that something happened between us, and that there’s been more between us before that he’s hidden. Maybe not in those exact words, but I know him well enough that him not avoiding or outright denying it means there’s more here than he’s admitting.
Part of me is relieved to know that it hasn’t been just my imagination all this time. But why can’t he just come out and say it? Why do I still have to guess at what he’s thinking or feeling?
My therapist suggested I be honest about my feelings and let him meet me where I’m at, but if there’s one thing I know about Will, it’s that he plays a mean game of avoidance. I’ll have to either press him more before he shuts down completely or find a way to keep him talking.
So maybe I can try meeting him where he’s at—maybe offering some middle ground where he can test the waters. It’s risky though. It could be perfect, because it would give him a chance to come to terms with whatever he’s feeling. Or if I’m wrong, it could backfire in a very big way.
If we weren’t who we are to each other, I might almost think it could work. It’s not like Will is someone I can ever walk away from. He’s not just some guy I want to try to make things work with.
But can we really be best friends—brothers—when there’s something this strong between us?
There’s no such thing as going back, and we’ve come this far.
My voice is tentative, searching for clarification without pushing too hard. “I’m not sure what you mean byboth.”
Will lets out a huff of air and pushes his hair back. “Me either, if I’m being totally honest.”
“Just tell me what you want, then. Don’t sugarcoat it or worry about my feelings. Don’t tell me what you think I need or want to hear, just tell me the truth.”
“I really don’t know, Ari. I’m so far out of my depth here.”
“If you’re worried that this makes you gay or something, there are plenty of guys that experiment and find out they’re still straight. It doesn’t have to mean anything.”
Will points at his thighs, at the cum stains and what looks like a half-hard bulge behind his zipper. “Clearly, not all straight.”
“Do you want to talk about it? If that’s what you’re scared about?—”
“I’m not scared or freaked out by getting turned on by a guy, Ari. I’m scared because I’m turned on byyou!”
“Oh.” Well shit, I was not expectingthat.
“Yeah,Oh.”
The way he repeats my surprise back to me gives me pause.
This isn’t the kind of revelation and confession I was hoping for. He’s not relieved to get it off his chest or looking at me hopefully. He’s upset about it.
“But you don’t want to be,” I say, not bothering to make it a question.
It hurts, but I can sort of understand it. Life would definitely be easier if I weren’t all kinds of hot for my foster brother.
“It complicates things.”
“So what are we going to do about it?”
Will looks at me, almost but not quite meeting my eyes. “We aren’t going to do anything about it, Ari. We can’t. You know that, right?”
My heart drops to the bottom of my stomach.
“So, we’re just going to pretend it never happened? Because you know that’s exactly what the problem has been all along, right? You pretending that nothing was happening, acting like all of your possessive bullshit was all for my benefit, is exactly what made me so crazy. It’s what hurt me enough to drive me away.”
“I know!” Will paces along the opposite side of the island counter, hands in his hair, pulling at the roots. He exhales slowly, his voice calmer when he continues. “I’m trying to behonest about what’s happening here. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. But I also don’t know that we can realistically do anything about it.”
“We’re adults, Will. We can do whatever the fuck we want.”
“Not without consequences, we can’t. What we do… if this got out, it would cause a huge scandal. It could hurt the band—the guys. It could hurtyou. Critics would tear us apart, call us immoral or disgusting.”
