“We can figure the rest out later. But for now–for the sake of your family, and your teammates, it’s better if we play it safe. We can still come out after, if it’s what you still want.”
“Don’t do this, Jesse.”
“For once in my life, I’m not making a hairbrained, half thought out decision. This is the smart thing to do, and you know it. We need to play it safe–no sneaking around, no sending each other sexy videos. Nothing they can use to make this worse for your family. And it’ll give you time to think about whether this life is something you really want.”
“I don’t need space.” He steps forward, and I take two steps back.
“Play it safe, Luc. For now. We’ll reassess after the game.” Maybe if I repeat those words enough, he’ll understand that I’m trying to do the right thing for him. He can’t deny that I’m right, not after what happened to his sister.
At least, that’s what I tell myself when I turn away and follow Cory out of the hospital. This time, Luc doesn’t try to follow.
The stadium is half-finished chaos. Lighting rigs swinging, pyrotechnics going off randomly, stage crew shouting over each other. It’s sticky and hot under the lights, even in February. I’m barely aware of any of it.
We’ve just run the full halftime set from start to finish. I hit every mark, every note. My muscle memory doing what my heart doesn’t want to. I’m determined to see this show through the end. I’ve brought enough pain and embarrassment to Luc’s life, the least I can do is be a professional now. I’d back out of the show entirely if it wouldn’t make things worse for everyone involved.
Naz drops down beside me, dangling his legs over the edge of the stage. Like me, he’s soaked in sweat, but unlike me he looks…alive. There’s a glow beneath his skin I used to have.
“You gonna make it through this?” he asks quietly, without his usual cutting sarcasm.
I wipe a towel across my face and let it hang around my neck. “I have to.”
Naz studies me, not convinced. “Jess–”
“Save it, Naz. I just need to get through the next few days, and then…”
“And then what? You ride off into the sunset like the paps will never find you again? What if something else happens? Are you just going to keep pushing him away until he breaks?”
There’s been no sign of the press losing interest in our story. In fact, it’s gotten worse. To the point where Luc got into some trouble with the paparazzi that was surrounding his family’s home.
“I’ll do whatever I have to to keep him safe,” I say, my voice dead and emotionless. I rub my hands over my arms, as if I could wipe away the humid air that feels like a billion tiny needles against my overstimulated senses.
“Are you okay? I mean, obviously you’re notokay, but are you hanging in there?”
I know what he means. Blake has checked in with me so many times that my response feels robotic. “I haven’t been drinking or using, if that’s what you’re asking.” I don’t want to admit that the need to numb myself is stronger than ever.
“Look, I’m just going to say it. I think you’re making a mistake.”
“Being with me only continues to hurt him.” Nevermind that I’ve been wavering between my resolve to give him the opportunity to realize he’s better off without me and wanting to go crawling back and begging him to never stop loving me.
“Not being together is hurting youboth. You’re a fucking idiot if you can’t see that.”
It wouldn’t matter even if I did break my resolve. Luc hasn’t tried calling me. He’s probably pissed at me for walking away. Or the press coverage is making him think twice.
Good.
I’m not sure how well I’m going to handle being in the same place as him. It’s already hard enough not to call him every night just to hear his voice. To take back everything I saidbecause I’m not strong enough to live without him. But I have to be strong enough for him. For his family.
It’s for the best, I keep reminding myself.I’m keeping him safe.
The possibility of him realizing he’s better off without me makes me feel like I’m drowning.
We’re called back to our places to run through the show one more time. I push to my feet, shoulders heavy but squared. If nothing else, I can do this. I can give the world a show and keep the man I love out of its crosshairs, even if it costs me.
THIRTY-FOUR
LUC
“Will you leave those alone,” AJ snaps, slapping my hand.
