“Don’t make excuses for me,” I said harshly. “Don’t. I don’t deserve them. You’ve not even heard the worst part yet.”
Finn nodded for me to continue. “Go on. I’m here. Whatever you’ve got to tell me, I’m here.”
I didn’t deserve this level of compassion and understanding. “The child…he asked me to take him away. To bring him back here.”Reid blinking up at me. His black eye. The hope I’d extinguished.
There was the dim sound of glass shattering, but I was too lost in my memories to pay much attention. “I thought he was joking, Finn. I swear, if I’d thought for a second?—”
Finn cut me off abruptly. “Even if you did know he wasserious, you couldn’t have just taken him, Evan. It would’ve sparked a war between our clans.”
“But we would’ve fought it, right?” My lip was trembling now, but I didn’t try to stop it. “Right, Finn?”
Finn reached out and clasped my hand. “For a child who was being abused? Of course we would have. But that decision wouldn’t have been put on your shoulders, Evan. You weren’t even part of the inner circle then. It would’ve been down to me, Logan, and Calan to decide, and we would’ve chosen to fight. We’d never leave anyone in that environment, let alone a child.”
His words were meant to be reassuring, but they just compounded my guilt and shame. “But I did. I left him there.”
“Because ye didn’t know.” There was fire in Finn’s voice now, but it couldn’t penetrate the ice around my heart. It had settled there the instant I’d realised what I’d done. I didn’t think anything would ever thaw it. “Evan, you were not the one who was abusing him.”
“Take me with you. Take me away and keep me safe.”
“No, but I could’ve been the one to save him.”
I stared into the distance, trying to work out how I’d missed the signs. How I’d persuaded myself to ignore the ones I had seen.
“I mentioned what he’d said to the alpha.” My wolf tried to take control at me speaking of him. He wanted blood. I couldn’t blame him, not when I felt the same. “Clyde told me the boy was prone to dramatics. That he told tall tales. I shouldn’t have believed him. I should’ve fuckingquestionedit.”
A tear rolled down my cheek. It was such a foreign feeling that I didn’t realise at first what itwas. I didn’t bother to wipe it away. What was the point when more were about to follow?
“I should’ve saved him,” I sobbed, letting the emotions overwhelm me. The grief. The horror. The guilt. The shame. “He blames me, and he’s right to. Who the fuck does that to a child?”
Big arms wrapped around me and hugged tight. “Evil fuckers, that’s who. But it’s not your fault, Evan. You’re not responsible for what happened to Reid.”
“I’m responsible for everything that’s happened since.” I wasn’t letting Finn try to make me feel better about this. I deserved to feel every morsel of pain currently coursing through me. Ideservedit. “I didn’t listen to someone in need, someone who asked for my help. I left him there with those monsters. And now, that’s something I have to live with.”
Finn was quiet for a moment before he spoke again. “I’m guessing Reid recognised you today?”
Sobs were shaking my body now, but I could no more hold back these tears than I could the tide. “He was furious. I don’t blame him. But you know the worst part?”
“What?”
“I didn’t know who he was,” I whispered, the memory sending fresh shame sluicing through me. “I didn’t recognise him. Didn’t even remember what he was talking about until he reminded me.”
“Because you didn’t realise the significance,” Finn said patiently. “Most people wouldn’t, Evan. He was a kid asking to go with you. If you’d taken him, it would’ve been kidnapping. I’m not surprised you forgot.”
I swiped at my eyes angrily, glowering at the floor. “Reid remembered, though. He thought I’d save him. Instead I condemned him.”
Finn studied me, fingers stroking over his short beard. “Okay, we know no jaguar shifters have crossed our borders in the last decade.”
“No.” I was one of the shifters tasked with protecting our boundary lines. If any of them crossed, I’d be the first to know about it.
“Exactly.” Finn’s face was solemn as he leaned forward, hands on his thighs. “They can’t come into our lands and forcibly take him. Now ask yourself, why is it that Reid chose to move here?”
The blood drained from my face as I realised what Finn was hinting at. “Fuck, he’s in hiding.”
“I think so. What better way to ensure you stay out of their hands than by hiding within the enemy’s borders?”
My mind was suddenly in overdrive. I was on my feet in a second, my body trembling as my wolf once again tried to force the shift. This time though, it wasn’t to get to Clyde.
It was to get to Reid.
