My eyes squeeze shut. I’m still angry and I want to cry, which is a dangerous combination. “Just stay away from me.”
“What did I do?” he asks. “Tell me and I’ll fix it.” He says it urgently, and I know he’d try.
If I were more selfish, I’d ask him to get over it. To try and be closer to me. But Iknow he hates it.
“You can’t fix how you feel,” I mutter. “So don’t worry about it.”
“How I feel? What do you mean how I feel?”
As much as I don’t want to do this drunk, I also want this over with. Once he’s aware that I’ve caught on, the faster I can be away from him and move forward.
“Nate, I know.”
“What do you know?” He has an edge of panic in his voice. He’s terrified of being caught.
I don’t blame him.
I’m terrified of saying it.
“Maisie,please.” He’s begging me. His voice is close to breaking. “What do you know?”
My eyes grow wet as I prepare to say it. “I know that I repulse you. So much so that you don’t want to be near me.”
My words hit their mark. Nate lets out a sound like I’ve punched him. A single tear escapes my eye and I shake my head. The last thing I want is pity. I don’t want his stammered apologies. I want to cry into a pillow.
I’ll go for a run. Pull myself together. Be normal.
I know this’ll be harder than any other time. Nate isn’t like Rob. He’s not even like when I lost Grandma. This is the kind of pain that might take me out. This is the kind of realization that is going to stick with me.
“I thought you didn’t like touching anyone,” I say. “And you did with me when I needed you, but you didn’t like it and couldn’t wait for it to be over. But then I saw you with Aaron this morning. And then Mom reminded me you hug her all the time. I looked back at the photos, and I realized that I’m the exception.I’mthe only one you don’t want near you.” I take another breath, trying to keep it together. “I shouldn’t have made you touch me.” I say it softly. “I’m sorry about that. And I’m sorry about all the times before. I’ll stay away. I just need some time to accept this.”
The plan is to get back to the party. There’s no way for me todance, but I might be able to find a corner to cry in. Scarlett will find me and I’ll beg to stay in her room on the couch until I can pull myself together. Eventually, I’ll be able to pretend that this doesn’t absolutely gut me.
But my plan crumbles when Nate’s hand wraps around my arm, and this time, I’m yanked to him. Instead of just pulling me a few inches, he’s pressing me into his chest so tightly that I can feel his entire body shaking.
I’m so shocked that I don’t pull away. I don’t think I can.
“I’m sorry,” he says into my hair. “I’m so fucking sorry. That’s not ... Maisie, you couldneverrepulse me.”
“B-but I do.”
“You don’t. I swear to God you don’t.” He tightens his hold on me. I’m not sure if he’s trying to hug me orabsorbme.
But I’m not complaining. I could never complain about this.
I need to pull away and ask questions. I need to clear more up, but the smell of his body wash, a mix of citrus and woods, is everywhere. I could pretend dancing would help. Or that drinking would numb the pain. But the only thing that could make me feel better ishim.
Tears escape before I can stop them. What had started because of pain quickly turns into relief.
He doesn’t hate me. This is a misunderstanding.
I can take Rob hating me and move on. I can take almost anyone else feeling the same.
But not him.God, not him.
Nate’s hands go to the back of my head. He curls around me as if he could envelop me entirely.
And I’d let him.
