The door snicked shut, and I fell against it, my fingers dusting my swollen lips. The way he kissed me. The way hetouchedme.
Gods, it was everything.
Still flushed, my skin tingled in all the best ways as I replayed what we had done over and over. The hummingbird in my stomach seemed to have taken up permanent residence, and warmth spread from the center of my chest, filling me with bright joy.
Muffled voices sounded from the other side of the door, and I hurried to the small room keeping my clothes. It would likely only be Wista, but the thought of Terym changing his mind and wanting to see me tonight had me rushing to get dressed.
Reaching for a clean nightdress, my eyes caught on the extravagant gown hanging just inside the door. Wista dropped it off earlier, ready for me to wear the next day.
To mywedding.
To a man who wasn’t Shade.
Those beating wings in my stomach died slowly, settling in a heavy ball at the bottom of my gut. The tingles still lingering on my skin pulled tight, and my legs suddenly gave out.
What have I done?
Just as I predicted, Shade had been a distraction. One touch and I completely lost myself. Forgotten my responsibilities and the precarious situation we were in. If we hadn’t been interrupted, I would have kept going.
Given him everything.
If I did and the king found out, we would all die.
And Shade …
He deserved so much more than I could give him. We could never be together. I couldn’t give him my whole self the way I wanted, the way he deserved. Not when I was about to marry another man. A man who had openly jeered at theopportunityto provide his kingdom with an heir.
My stomach roiled, and I ducked my head between my legs, trying to breathe through the intense wave of nausea.
I gave something to Shade I hadn’t given to anyone else, knowing the next day, the king would take that very same thing, but he would take it all.
The next roil was more intense, and I stumbled to the bathing room, barely making it in time to empty my stomach. Tears flowed freely down my cheeks. I was so wrapped up in my own despair, I lost myself to the pleasure he offered, using him in the process. I hadn’t even considered the consequences, considered the empty feeling in my chest, knowing we would never be able to do it again.
It was so much worse than after our first kiss.
Then, I’d craved him but didn’t know the pleasure being with him would involve. Now, I knew the euphoric feeling of his hands on me, my hands on him, and I couldn’t do it again. Instead, it would be with the king, and Shade would know.
Acidic guilt mixed with bile in my empty stomach, and it churned again.
Violently.
Gods, he must hate me.
The lilac and sandalwood scent of the purloe flower reached me just before hands gathered sticky strands of hair away from my face. Once I finished heaving, I pulled out of his touch, cleaning my mouth to avoid meeting his eyes. His stare burned into me, and I didn’t want to see what I caused reflected on his face.
The disappointment.
The hurt.
Unable to avoid it anymore, I turned to face him. He regarded me with a furrowed brow and arms crossed over his chest. Concern danced across his features, increasing my guilt further.
He was too kind. Too perfect.
He deserved so much more than me.
Someone who could give him everything, who wasn’t bound to fulfill a promise to another. Even if the thought of him with someone else threatened to make me sick again.
I tried to speak several times, my mouth opening and closing when I couldn’t find the words. Shade’s eyes lingered down my still-naked body, and I cursed myself for the flush at his intense perusal. I hurriedly threw on the dropped nightdress. I couldn’t have this conversation naked, not when he still elicited such a strong reaction.
