Once dressed, Shade stepped toward me, but I stepped away to keep the distance between us. My gaze flicked to the closed door. It was quiet now, but the last thing I wanted was to be overheard.
“It was just Wista, she’s gone now,” he said, using my moment of distraction to step up to me. His knuckles brushed my cheek, then he cupped my face, his thumb rubbing back and forth. “Talk to me, Adelia. What’s going on in your head right now?”
I closed my eyes, loving the gentle touch and hating myself all the more for it.
“I’m sorry,” I choked out through the emotion clogging my throat.
He stilled, and I forced myself to open my eyes. His face was drawn into a frown, eyes unreadable.
“What exactly are you apologizing for?” he asked, words slow and measured.
“We shouldn’t have done that.Ishouldn’t have done that. I’m marrying King Terym tomorrow.”
His jaw clenched, releasing my face like I’d burned him, and I immediately missed his touch. “Do you regret it because you didn’t want it? Or is it because of Terym?” he said through gritted teeth.
“Does it matter? It shouldn’t have happened.”
“It matters to me.” My heart shattered at the whispered words.
I should lie. Tell him I hated it and never wanted to do it again.
But I couldn’t do it.
“It was the best experience of my life,” I whispered, refusing to look as I destroyed him and myself. “I wanted it more than anything, I still want it, but we can’t. It isn’t fair to you, to either of us.”
“Then don’t go through with it,” he growled, clenching his fists at his sides.
“What other choice do I have? The tunnel was blocked. We’ve run out of time. Face it, Shade, we failed!” Emotion gripped my throat like a vise, everything I had forgotten during our moment together flooding back.
“Then we fight our way out. I’m not entirely useless in this form.” His voice broke on the last words, and what remained of my heart shattered with it. Hurting him destroyed me and it was why this couldn’t go further, whywecouldn’t go further.
“You know we’d never make it. You’re only one person against hundreds of guards. I can’t take a life again, Shade. Don’t make me.” My voice trembled, and he stepped closer, rubbing my arms.
“I can protect you. Please let me.” The frustration, the hurt, it was all clearly visible in those swirling silver eyes, breaking me further.
I shook my head, knowing it was hopeless. He himself admitted he was restricted due to the Gods’ magic binding him. I couldn’t see a way out that would guarantee our safety. Guarantee Eleanor’s safety.
I had to keep the promise to my mother and keep her safe. It was the burden I accepted long ago, and I couldn’t turn back on it now. No matter how desperately I wanted something else for my future. Our best chance at survival was to continue to play the part. To be the submissive bride for the king.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated, closing my eyes again, to stop my tears and to hide from his pain.
Coward.
“So am I,” he whispered into the broken space between us. His purloe scent intensified, and I opened my eyes in time to see him morph into dark smoke, twisting and curling in jagged movements, then disappearing into the lamp on the bedside table.
A sob ripped free as my heart tore from my chest, following Shade into the confines of his prison.
Blinded by tears, I staggered to the bed and collapsed onto it, curling in on myself.
That moment with Shade, when he touched me so deliciously, would be with me forever. A glimpse of a future we would never have that I would savor despite my regrets.
I lay awake for hours, my tears an endless stream saturating my pillow. I would give myself tonight to mourn the loss of something that didn’t have a chance to begin. Because tomorrow, I would be married.
Just not to the man I loved.
Chapter 26
Iwas numb.
