There’s a table on the verandah with a single lantern, which I light. Then, while Angel flops down by my feet, I stand with my back to the twinkling lights of the town and rest my arms on the railing. As I wait, I’m feeling so numb I’m wondering if my heart has turned to stone. Then Angel’s tail thumps on the plank floor and a second later Lando slides in beside me, and my heart leaps out of my chest.
His face is gaunt as he looks down at me, his tension deepened by the shadows.
‘Thank you for being here, Maeve. Before I go for good, I wanted to return something.’
‘You’re really going?’
His cheekbones are etched in the moonlight. ‘As things stand there’s nothing to stay for. At least this way you and Nemmie can go back to how you were.’
He presses a small piece of paper into my hand.
I tilt it so the moonlight catches it. ‘Where’s this come from?’
The shadowy lines of the ultrasound scan are unmistakable, and from the flimsy printer paper it feels like an original, but I can’t make out the detail.
He draws in a breath. ‘It’s Nemmie. I’ve always had it in my wallet, but it’s much more yours than mine.’
I’m struggling to understand. ‘But there aren’t any scans of Nemmie because there were no antenatal appointments.’
He sighs. ‘It’s from the night they found you were pregnant.’ His voice goes low. ‘It might seem as if I wasn’t here for you, but in my heart I always have been.’
I blink. ‘You’ve had the picture this whole time?’
‘It turned up at the bottom of your mum’s handbag; with everything that happened she didn’t realise she had it at the time. She sent it later to show me that Nemmie wasn’t full term when she was born.’
‘I was so careful with my secret. Why did Mum give it to you?’
He shrugs. ‘A mother’s instinct, perhaps?’ He swallows. ‘She rang to tell me she was sending it in case I still had doubts. Shesaid that at the worst part of your labour you called out my name. It was only the once, but as she had nothing else to go on, she clung on to that.’
I’m reassessing my whole life. ‘So she knew all along?’
‘I’d guess she had a good idea.’ Lando rubs his chin. ‘It was years before she sent it though. She said she’d waited until you were strong enough to cope with me turning up.’
My blood runs cold, and my mouth goes sour and I start to cry. ‘So what happened? Why didn’t you come to find us?’
He scrapes his fists over his eyes and lets out a sob. ‘This is the part that breaks me. I did come. Whatever Sav had said previously, I assumed your mum had over-ridden that, and few weeks later I borrowed a boat and sailed into St Aidan so I could keep things low key and not put any pressure on you. I was so nervous and so excited. Then I saw you walking across the harbour with Nemmie and the likeness was uncanny; she was like a miniature version of Fi in her first school photo, and you looked so sorted and happy, and all I could think was how different it was from my own childhood. That was the first time in my life I fully took in how much I’d missed out on and how dysfunctional my own family life had been.
‘Then it hit me: I had no idea how to love a child and make it feel wanted when I’d been so unhappy myself; that if I’d grown up in a home completely devoid of warmth and emotion, I would be no help to you. I was just going to be a liability, because I was so hungry for love myself but terrified I wouldn’t be able to give it back in the right way.’
‘Oh Lando, that’s awful.’
He bites his lip. ‘I stayed a few days, and every day I’d look out for you to see if it felt any different. And every time I knew Iwasn’t good enough. That I’d only let you down. That you’d made your choice, were doing a great job and you’d be better off without me. And on the fourth day when I still felt the same, I turned the boat around and sailed back out to sea again.’
‘And that was that?’
He swallows. ‘I knew I’d missed you, but it was only once I saw you both that I knew how much. I knew one visit wasn’t going to be enough. I persuaded myself that next time would be different. That I’d feel better. That I’d dare to get off the boat and say hello. That I’d call you over. So a few months later I came again, and Nemmie’s hair had grown and she was bigger. But again my doubts took over, and I left without talking to you.
‘But after that I couldn’t stay away. I kept on coming, and kept on hoping.’ He stops and stretches his fingers. ‘So I did come. I’ve always come. I’ve always loved you in my own mixed-up way, but I never thought it would be enough. I always knew you deserved more.’
‘Oh Lando.’
I’m pushing my palm onto his cheek, burying my face against the soft folds of his T-shirt, and listening to the thud of his heart as he carries on.
‘What you have to understand is, I’ve always been crazy about you. There’s never been anyone else. It took every bit of willpower I had to walk away after our night here. If it hadn’t been a matter of letting Sav down, I’d have missed my flight to Australia and stayed here with you.’ He blows out his cheeks. ‘I know we’d agreed not to message, but I had to stay in touch. All I got was a “number out of service” response.’
I’m holding Nemmie’s scan, running it between my fingers. ‘I blocked you and threw away your number. I was afraid I was so dull compared to everyone else you’d be meeting, and that you’d quickly forget me.’
Lando’s chest heaves. ‘If I’d known about Nemmie from the start I’d have come straight home. But by the time I came later I was so paralysed by doubts, and it felt that would never alter. And then Sav’s fortunes changed overnight, and suddenly there was a way I could help that might be useful to you.’
