‘I didn’t blame him, it was just an awful mistake. I thought if I forgave him, we’d be able to carry on and get back to what we used to be.’ I drag in a breath. ‘But the problem was he couldn’t forgive himself. He couldn’t get past the guilt.’
He was sitting cross-legged on the end of the bed in the half light, waiting for me to wake up so he could tell me what he’d done, because he felt it wasn’t respectful to come under the duvet before I knew. He was the one who cried while I sat there trying to work out if it was real or if I was still asleep. That was how absurd it was. For weeks after I couldn’t shake off the feeling I was about to wake up and find the whole thing had been a bad dream. And after that he never stopped beating himself up about it.
Clemmie sighs. ‘You two were such a perfect couple.’
I blow out a breath. ‘Him knowing that only made it worse. We struggled on for a while, but we’d got to a place we couldn’t get back from. However long we stayed together, he’d always know there was a time when he’d cheated. And however much I pretended, the post-op sex was never going to be what it used to be.’ I shrug. ‘In the end, I was the one who decided that we’d be best to separate.’
If I hadn’t been ill, this would never have happened, so it felt like my responsibility to be strong, to try to make things right going forward. Dillon wasn’t a bad guy, but as long as he stayed with me, in his own mind he would be. And that wasn’t fair on him. Hard as it was, I loved him enough to know I had to set him free.
I’m agonising as I look at Clemmie. ‘I’d hate anyone to think badly of Dillon, so please be sparing with what you tell the others. But I wanted you to know it all, so you’d know how to head them off. We always said we could still get back together again if we wanted to, but we both know it wouldn’t work.’
Clemmie pulls me into a hug. ‘Don’t worry. I’ll manage their expectations and if Dillon does turn up, I’ll make sure they hold back on the matchmaking.’ As she lets me go, she gives me a hard stare. ‘So while Dillon’s off having a ball in Dubai, what about you?’
While it’s just me and Clemmie, I’m going to offload something else. ‘The real reason I came to St Aidan is because I damaged my throat and haven’t been able to do the reading work. But I haven’t said anything because if Dillon or Sophie hears they’ll want to step in with handouts, and I’d rather manage on my own.’
Clemmie’s shaking her head again. ‘Shit, Flossie, you’ve certainly had more than your share of things going wrong. I wish it hadn’t happened, but at the same time it’s lovely having you back.’ Her eyes are shining. ‘And you are managing, aren’t you?’
I grin. ‘Mainly thanks to Rye and Kit and their insatiable appetite for chocolate.’
She gives me a nudge. ‘It’s a lot more than that. Your sweets are incredible, they’re completely unique.’
I wrinkle my nose. ‘It’s all down to you having me as an outpost! After that I just hit lucky. The strange thing is, I love what I’m doing so much it’s becoming compulsive. I’ve never felt this enthusiastic about anything’
Clemmie’s biting her lip. ‘And are you going to be as lucky in love?’
I shrink under her scrutiny. ‘Shadow and I won’t be adding to our cosy twosome any time soon.’
‘Really?’
‘Dating’s a minefield at the best of times.’ I don’t often get this far down the road, but for once I’m allowing myself to think what would happen if there was someone I actually liked who liked me back.Absolutely notanyone in particular, you understand. Just trying the idea on for size. I drop my voice. ‘I say I’m all better, but in some people just like me, the cancer does come back.’ I shiver as I think about it. ‘That’s not something you’d put onto someone in the long term. Especially not someone you really, really liked. In fact, the more you liked them, the worse it would make it.’
Clemmie’s mouth pulls down at the corners. ‘It’s a catch-22, then?’
‘That’s why the solo option is the one that works!’
She frowns. ‘You not wanting another relationship doesn’t mean you can’t have fun. Not all relationships are long ones.’ She takes in my horrified stare. ‘As Nell would say, sleeping with someone else might be what you need to let you move on.’ She grins at me. ‘If a quickie in the dunes is ever on offer, promise me you’ll grab it with both hands.’
I pull a face, both of us knowing it’s never going to happen. If I couldn’t manage to have sex with my long-term partner, I’m more likely to fly to the moon than do it with a stranger. But it’s good she’s pushing me to try this on for size too.
Clemmie gives me a scolding glance. ‘Don’t give me that look. St Aidan in summer … the beach bursting with hot surfers … you’re bound to findsomeoneon your wavelength!’
There’s the shuffle of feet on these steps, and Sophie’s blonde head comes into view. ‘Have you heard from Nell?’ She’s holding Bud on her hip, and I’m hoping she didn’t hear any of what came before.
I glance at my phone. ‘She said she was almost ready to come, but that was two hours ago!’
Clemmie looks down at Arnie. ‘If it’s her first time out, she may not even make it.’
Sophie laughs. ‘When Milla was a baby I didn’t get dressed for a full four months.’
I’m sure that’s not right, because I remember sharing my pint and a pack of salt and vinegar crisps with her outside The Slug and Lettuce when Milla was tiny, but it’s the ideal opportunity for me to keep her on this subject. ‘So have you bought any non-turquoise clothes yet, Sophie?’
Sophie’s eyes are wide, and she’s pointing to herself. ‘How have you not noticed my new colourway?My chinos are powder-grey, and my T-shirt is Alpine white.’ She gives a grimace. ‘I’m so far out of my comfort zone,I’m not having a good day.’
Clemmie stiffens as she hears my phone ping. ‘Is that Nell now?’
As I read the message I only wish it was. ‘It’s Kit.’ I turn to Sophie. Whatever she was saying about her day being bad, it’s about to get a whole lot worse. ‘He’s just heard, Mum’s going onanotherdate with Byron.’
Sophie’s suddenly shrieking. ‘Don’t just stand there, Flossie,do something!’
