I strip down so that I’m barely clothed. Of all the bad ideas I’ve had in the Retterheld, this one feels like the worst. But it’s the only one we’ve got.
Goosebumps rise on my arms. This is it. This is the only way. I know that. And it’s a stupid plan. All I’ve got is a gut instinct telling me that this is what I have to do. For all I know, it could be some kind of delirium caused by something in the water, but if that’s the case, at least I’ll meet Mortidem knowing that I saved my friends.
Knowing that I saved Kyor.
I look at the dark water rolling beneath me. The raging blue and black depths. Once I jump, there will be no turning back. Shit, I really, really don’t want to jump.
I cast my final words to the second boat. ‘If this works, it should calm the kraken. Maybe enough to get me out. But if it doesn’t, then none of you can come after me. Not you two, and definitelynothim. You lose Kyor and you’re dead too.’
I see them both nod, at which point I turn to Kyor. Even exhausted, he is the most perfect specimen of a human. Those icy-blue eyes. Those perfect lips. Gods, if I’m only going to get one last kiss with him, I wish to hell it was on stable land. But that’s not going to happen, so I’ll make do with what I have.
That’s what I think, at least, until I lean in to kiss him, only for him to brace me by the shoulders.
‘No.’ His eyes lock on mine. ‘You can’t have it both ways. Either you know you can do this, in which case, there’s no need to kiss me like it’s goodbye. Or you don’t think you can, in which case we stay in this boat and find another way. I’mnotlosing you.’
The way he speaks makes it feel like it’s just the two of us, alone together in his room, not struggling to stay afloat in a tiny wooden boat as waves crash over us.
‘Rose, in case I haven’t made it clear before now, I would rather drown here holding you in my arms than let you sacrifice yourself for me. Understand? So what’s it going to be? Can you do this, or do we need to find another way?’
That’s it. I love this man. If I didn’t know it before, I sure as hell donow. I swallow, fighting the desperate urge to kiss him. Instead, I muster a nod.
‘I can do this.’
‘Good. Then do it.’
I don’t wait. I cross my arms over my chest and jump over the edge of the boat, plunging into the icy water.
The cold seizes my lungs, and before I can even form a thought or remind myself to kick my legs, everything is drowned out by the kraken. The creature’s suffering is monstrous, but cold is not one of the things that’s causing it turmoil. And so it becomes the same for me. It is like I belong here. In this water. Consumed by the animal’s raw, unfiltered pain. It’s in a place it never expected to be. A world it doesn’t belong to. And I know exactly how it feels.
As I kick myself back up to the surface, I open myself to it all and, in return, offer it everything I can.
I know. I know you don’t belong here. But you can swim away now, I think, sending the words with as much force as I can.Swim away. There’s nothing stopping you anymore. I promise.I picture it in my head, the image of the tentacles moving pointedlydownstream, down the channel.
The recognition I felt before comes again. But this time, it’s stronger. It’s hearing me. It understands. A wave is heading towards me. Trying to give myself as much of a chance as possible, I draw in a long breath only a moment before my head disappears back under the water.
You can go, I say again.Please. You can go.Its response comes again. Stronger still. It’s listening.Swim down the channel. Stay deep. Go. Go!
I kick upwards, ready to grab a breath.
Only I mistime the wave.
Cold slams into my chest, and instead of the sweet burn of air, I taste salt and iron. Water rips its way into my mouth, and though I try not to swallow, it’s too late. My lungs protest – no, they seize – and Ineedto take another breath. But the next gasp is filled with water too, and a hot, wet pressure swells and claws at my ribs.
Sound narrows to a bloody, muffled drumbeat as my ears pop, and the light thins into a silver tunnel I can’t reach. Panic arrives fast, bright and precise, cutting through thought. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Coughing and choking do nothing but pull more water in. I kick until my thighs burn, feet slashing, propelling me towards a surface that refuses to show itself. Where the fuck is the surface? The Godsdamn air?
Adrenaline sharpens everything as my hands claw the water likefingers scrabbling desperately at a ledge. Thoughts fragment into images: the tiny boat; Kyor’s smile; Benny’s teasing laugh; the small, stupid things that matter; and Kay.
Always Kay.
Time stretches into a long, thin rope of moments where all I can feel is the heavy thud of my slowing heartbeat. I’m not going to make it. The world is losing its grip on me.
For a sliver of a second, the part of me that’s stubborn and ridiculous refuses to accept this ending. It fights. It kicks. Yet air remains elusive. I don’t even know if I’m kicking in the right direction.
This is it. This is the end.
If I’m dying, just let it have purpose. I reach out desperately to the kraken again.
