He nods. ‘I think she’ll be able to answer your questions. Something else came up too; I hope I’ve made the right call on that …’ As he reaches for a tissue from the glove box and hands it to me he’s searching my face with his gaze. ‘If you’re ready, shall we go?’
I couldn’t be more ready. Except when I come to climb down from the car my legs are too wobbly to walk.
35
At Jenny’s flat
Ginger nuts and clenched fists
Later on Saturday morning
Obviously, Diesel had to come too. From the way he goes leaping ahead he’s been before and knows all the short cuts to a biscuit. We follow him along the narrow winding paths to a sea blue door, tucked away from the breeze at the side of a long low white house towards the end of the cluster of buildings.
When Jenny answers the door her smile and laugh are warm, although as she leads us into a light living room her limp gives away how stiff her hips are. We spend a few minutes gasping at the views across the water. They’re almost better than from Seaspray Cottage because the house is set higher above the beach, and the floor to ceiling windows stretch the full width of the living area. Jenny’s got her Bonio dog biscuits ready although Diesel is polite enough to give her a greeting that almost knocks her over before he starts asking for them. While the kettle’s boiling, I get to admire the airy bedroom, and whistle at the super-slick bathroom with its waterfall shower, and all the storage space. And then suddenly we’re sitting on the bright blue linen sofas, with mugs of tea and slabs of ginger cake, and Jenny’s smiling across at me.
‘So you want to know about Jill and Robbie?’ Diesel’s chin is on her knee and she rubs his head.
I’m pursing my lips as I nod. ‘Please.’ I reach into my bag and pull out the photocopy of Laura’s letter that’s been tucked in there since the day after the boat trip, along with one of the penguins. I didn’t want to risk losing the real one, but there are times of every day when I want to get it out just so I can read it again. ‘Joe gave me this note from Laura, it’s so full of love, but it still doesn’t tell me what happened.’
Jenny’s nodding. ‘Not many people know the circumstances. Laura and I go way back; I’d known Rob since he was a baby, which was why Laura confided in me.’
As I think of the photo of Laura and me from the musical box my eyes fill with tears. ‘I came across a picture of me on Laura’s knee. There was another of my mum and Rob on the beach the summer before I was born. Do you know about that?’
Jenny smiles. ‘Originally, the flat belonged to Laura’s mum and when Laura’s boys were small the family used to come for holidays. When her mum died and the kids left home she moved down here full time. Robbie was a chef; he’d landed the job of his dreams in Brittany and the summer before you were born he came to stay at the flat to look after Laura’s cat for a couple of weeks before he went. That was when he met your mum.’
‘So they did like each other?’
She nods. ‘They did. Even though they’d only had a short time together your mum and Rob were head over heels, and when he left for France they wrote to each other every day. Back then we sent letters of course.’
‘So that explains the picture.’ I know what comes next. ‘And she got pregnant with me when he came back for Christmas … but because of his job he didn’t want anything to do with us?’
Jenny shakes her head. ‘If only it had beenthatsimple, things would have turned out so differently. But when Rob first heard he’d landed the job abroad he and his previous girlfriend decided they didn’t want a long-distance relationship and they broke up. By the time he went to his job in Brittany, he’d met your mum and was already making plans for her to go out and join him there. He’d organised for her work at the same hotel as him. Then just as your mum was about to set off for Brittany, Rob’s ex-girlfriend got in touch to say she was expecting a baby.’
It’s such a shock, I’m almost winded. ‘Oh, no, how awful.’ I can only think what agony that must have been for my mum. So, the travelling she never got to do was literally wrenched away from her.
Jenny raises her eyebrows. ‘There were a few weeks when no one knew what was going to happen. But in the end your mum was insistent that Rob should go to be with the baby.’
My heart is aching for my mum. I turn to Charlie. ‘So the letter we found at the flat was my mum’s goodbye to Rob. That’s so sad.’
Jenny takes a breath. ‘At first, Rob couldn’t or wouldn’t accept her decision. So, he came back just after Christmas, but he couldn’t change her mind. So, Rob went back to Brittany on his own, and later his first girlfriend went there too, and Joe was born in the April.’
‘So I happened that Christmas?’ It’s strange to think if Rob had taken her first answer and stayed away, I wouldn’t be here at all.
Jenny reaches across and pats my hand. ‘You were extra precious because you were all your mum had left. She kept her pregnancy very quiet, especially from Rob, it wasn’t difficult with him abroad. But he was committed elsewhere, she didn’t want to get in the way of that, she was determined to be independent. The first Laura knew was when she met your mum in town with you when you were a baby. With your dark red hair and you looking so like Rob, it wasn’t hard for Laura to guess what had happened.’
All the air just whooshed out of my lungs. ‘So Rob didn’t know about me at all?’
Jenny’s shaking her head. ‘He had no clue about the pregnancy or the baby and that was how it stayed. The only way your mum agreed for Laura to see you was if she promised to keep it from Rob. Once she was sure Laura was going to keep her word, she was happier to accept her help. Laura loved looking after you, the two of you got on so well. I can still see you now in that kitchen with your red curls and your little apron, tracing patterns in the icing sugar with your finger, and filling the bun cases. That recipe basket of hers was a favourite, you’d spend hours playing with it.’
I manage a smile as I’m taking it all in. ‘I loved those the butterfly buns.’ It’s such a relief to know my dad didn’t just walk away.
Jenny’s staring out across the bay, wiping the corners of her eyes. ‘Laura always hoped that once you were older your mum would relent and let her tell Rob. But Rob had settled and two more boys had come along, and your mum didn’t want to jeopardise his family. The longer time went on the firmer she was that her secret should be kept rather than told.’
My fist is clenched so tight the penguin’s feet are digging into my palm. ‘That’s my mum all over, she thinks things through very carefully. When she decides something, she sticks to it.’
As Diesel pushes his nose into her hand, Jenny rubs his ears. ‘It must have been hard for your mum, taking you to see Laura and the flat, especially with you looking so like Rob. You always knew Laura was your grandmother, but your mum was always wary of you growing old enough to ask more searching questions. That time you all went off to Oyster Point, she knew time was running out.’
I let out a long sigh for everything my mum went through for me. For all her disappointment and heartbreak. ‘She cried and cried after that. I never knew why that upset her so much, but I can see now.’
