I know there’s nothing I can bring to this meeting. So, if for a fleeting second I’m feeling disappointed at not being included to thrash along with them, I give myself a hard kick, and remind myself not to be so damned hungry. Let’s face it, I have croissants for lunch most days anyway. WhatamI going on about?
‘Great.’ From the way she says it she means anything but. ‘In that case, see you Thursday, Charlie, thanks for all the help tonight.’ As she gets up, she looks at me, then comes in for a kiss on each cheek and a hug. ‘Clemmie, you’re more than a star. Don’t forget, remind that friend of yours to man up.’
I laugh back at her as she leaves. ‘No worries, I won’t.’
I expect Charlie to follow her as she leaves.
‘Before you go, Clems …’
I jump up as I realise he’s still there, because I thought he’d have padded away. ‘Yes?’
He slides a bag onto the table next to the prosecco bottle. ‘These are for Sunday. They’re old denim cut offs, feel free to hack more off if you need to.’
My heart slithers down to the decking, then carries on two more storeys to the ground. ‘I have to wear shorts?’
He sends me a grin. ‘Not compulsory, but they’re more practical than a dress.’ He takes in my pained groan. ‘Cressy hates shorts too. She usually wears hers with a tucked in vest and some kind of mid-calf cardigan. Dusky pink would work well with your Converse, it’s a cool way to avoid feeling too exposed.’
‘Shit, Hobson.’ I’m shaking my head. First baking, now fashion tips.
He’s not moving. ‘You saw what I meant about Nell and Levi?’
‘I did.’ As I’m nodding in the shadows, I’m thinking more about him and Levi. Then as I remember what he said about Nell and good timing suddenly it hits me. He’s almost forty, guys have biological clocks too and he did say she needed a push. ‘Are you thinking of getting together with Nell just so you can have a baby?’ It’s such an appalling thought it’s out of my mouth as it forms.
‘Sorry?’
This is about so much more than me being jealous. ‘Please don’t do that to her, Nell needs to be truly loved not grabbed because she’s broody. Of everyone I know she deserves to find her penguin.’
There’s a couple of seconds where all I can hear is the sound of the breeze, then there’s a loud protest. ‘Jeez, Clemmie, tell me you aren’t serious?I’mnot her penguin and I don’t wantherbaby. Why do you always assume the worst?’
This blunder is going to take some coming back from. ‘I’m sorry, I’m just looking out for her, she’s a lot more vulnerable than she looks.’
He’s staring down at me, towering above me and for some reason there’s the lilt of a smile on his lips. As I watch the shadows on his face, his chest is inches from me. Then as I let my gaze trail down over the shadows of his forearms his hand stretches out and brushes back the strand of hair blowing across my forehead.
‘Well, it’s a relief we’ve cleared that one up.’ His voice is low and grating as he tilts my chin upwards. ‘This is why I love living next to a mermaid, I never know what you’ll come out with next.’
I’m shivering, jolting with every bang of my heart as it hammers against my ribs. As I watch him bite his lip I’m aching to pull his head towards me so I can brush my lips on his, plunder his mouth. How long have I been aching to know how he tastes? As I slide my palm up his chest his skin is hot through the silky cotton then as his thigh bumps mine I remember. If I let this happen, I’ll never be able to come on the balcony again. Or even open the door. Even if I can’t stay here forever, this is a terrible idea. If I were adding snog with Hobson to my wishlist, it’d have to be the last thing I did before I disappeared for a very long time.
I take a jump backwards and clear my throat. ‘I–I need to let you go. It’s late, you’re in with George at nine, remember.’ So am I for that matter. Too much prosecco and a sky full of stars are a bad mix. If I ever took him to bed, I’d need at least two weeks before I got up again.
‘Clemmie …’
I point my finger to his end of the balcony. ‘Okay, thank you – for everything. Now go to bed.’
He’s still staring down at me. ‘What about you? If you’re not going yourself I could stay …’
My fists are clenched by my sides so I don’t change my mind. ‘It’s fine, good night, I’ll go very soon.’
As I watch him slip off into the darkness I need to take a moment, because it’s been a big day. When I woke up this morning I had no clue how to make pastryorhost a romantic dinner, and now I’ve done both. For the first time in my life I’ve decided what I definitely want and where I want to be. Then three hours later I find it’s impossible. From what Charlie said back there, however much I love this place and want to stay here, this balcony and the sea views might not be mine for much longer. As I stare out at the moon light sparking off the water and watch it breaking into a thousand fragments as the wind whooshes across the bay, I try to imaginenotbeing here. There’s a twist in my chest and the sourest taste in my mouth that’s nothing to do with flat prosecco. If my heart hadn’t already dropped through the balcony, I’d swear it was being ripped apart inside me.
29
In Clemmie’s kitchen
Vital statistics
Saturday
On Saturday afternoon, I’m in the kitchen at the flat, singing along to my Solid Gold Bangers list, drizzling dark melted chocolate onto white chocolate gateaux ready for this evening’s LCK chocolate fest. I’ve been doing so many choccie evenings lately, I’m less of a Little Mermaid and more like St Aidan’s female embodiment of Willie Wonka. Somehow yelling the song words so loud my throat hurts helps to blot out that my life is unravelling as I watch. Obviously, the words ‘Ican’t l-i-i-i-i-ve, if living is without you …’ have absolutely no relevance to me personally, but I’m still giving it rock when I feel a gentle tap on my shoulder.
