‘Others would say sexual attraction is less quantifiable than that, but rather knowing you want intimacy with that person in that way.’
I lift my hands, pausing, and Remi waits patiently, his fingers carding through Snickerdoodle’s long mane of tangled hair. The pony’s eyes are closed, her head still resting on Remi’s lap.
Finally, I sign,‘You’re saying desire can be as much mental as it is physical.’
‘For some people, I think the answer would be yes. So, on one end of the ace spectrum, you have people who never experience that. No active desire for others. There’s demisexuality, in which people only experience that desire after a connection has been formed. There’s aegosexuality, where folks do experience sexual attraction yet don’t want to actually have sex with the person. And there’s a whole gray area of gray-ace individuals whose experiences aren’t always easily defined. Maybe they do feel sexual attraction with a limited number of people or in certain circumstances, but they still identify more strongly with the ace side of things than the allo. Not to mention ace-flux folks whose sexuality is more fluid, or any number of other labels.’
‘That’s…a lot,’I manage a little stiltedly.
Remi huffs a laugh.‘It is. Do you think you might be ace? I assume you’re not asking about this for a friend.’
I scrub a hand over my face, not even knowing where to start.‘I honestly don’t know,’I tell my brother.‘It occurred to me recently that I don’t view people the same way I assumed everyone does. There’s no…spark like that. Not for anyone. But I do like sex. Always have in theory. With Laura, it was just…’
I cut off, realizing how much I’d been about to divulge. But Remi’s considerate expression and his nod of encouragement have me going on.
‘It was mechanical. Not…passionate.’
‘Have you had sex since her?’he asks, motions fluid if not purposefully calm.
I nod.
‘And was it different? Better for you?’
‘It was,’I admit, memories of Oakley and me in his bed surfacing. How instinctual sex with him was. How damngood.‘It was what I always suspected it could be, Remi.’Blowing out a breath, I look my baby brother in the eye and share the news I’m still coming to terms with myself.‘Turns out I’m gay.’
There’s a beat where my brother doesn’t respond, simply stares at me as my words sink in. And then his expression crumples, the same pity I saw on Oakley’s face overtaking his.
“Law,” he says, voice clogged with emotion as he tugs me in. His arms are like steel bands around me, and despite my best efforts, my throat catches. “I’m so sorry.”
Not for being gay, I know that. He’s telling me he’s sorry forbefore. And I am, too. I wish I’d known sooner, not that I can change the past. But I spent a long damn time married to someone who was only a friend. And by the end, we weren’t even that.
I never loved Laura the way she loved me. And maybe that’s not my fault; maybe partly it is. But Iamsorry for how long we spent trying to fix something that started out broke, only to lose what little love we had left for one another.
I’d never undo Wendy, not even if I could go back. But maybe Laura and I could have split before things became so tense. Back before we were making concessions neither of us should have had to.
Remi rubs my back, my brother comforting me in a way I’m not sure I was ready to accept before now. He only pulls away when Snickerdoodle reinserts her head between us, the pony upset about being ignored. Remi’s eyes stay locked on mine.
‘I’m okay,’I tell him, which is mostly true. I know Oakley is concerned about the repercussions of a revelation like that on my emotional state, but the truth is I’ve had about as much sadness as I can handle. I don’t want to be sad anymore. I want to move past it. And I’m determined to do so. But Remi, too, looks concerned, so I go on.‘It was a surprise, but I’m grateful to know. To have figured it out. I think it took so long because…’
‘Because you’re ace?’
‘Might be.’
He nods, his hand squeezing my arm, his other on Snickerdoodle’s head before he asks,‘Do you want my thoughts?’
‘Couldn’t hurt. I’m having a hell of a time trying to make sense of it all.’
His smile is understanding.‘You mentioned a person’s physical appearance doesn’t draw you in. So let’s assume, for a minute, you do fall on the ace spectrum. I think the question to ask yourself is… Has there ever been someone you’ve wanted to have sex with because it’s them, not because they’re an easy or convenient choice to get off with?’
He gives me a moment to think that over before he lifts his hands again.
‘If the answer is yes, that might be sexual attraction for you. There’s no one right answer when it comes to figuring out your sexuality, Law. It’s whatever feels right for you.’
I give my brother a slow nod. I suppose that’s the question, isn’t it?
Is Oakley an easy choice?
Or do I want him?
