I’m proud of myself for keeping my face stoic. It’s astounding how much can change in such a short period of time. How feelings long ago snuffed out can burn wildly with only the slightest air and provocation, only for the press of suffocation to bear down like a fate now worse than death.
I never loved Lawson Darling as more than a friend because I never let myself.
He’s been my person for nearly forty-three years. And I’ve been his.
But that doesn’t make me therightperson. Not where he’s concerned.
And no matter what else, I have to remember that.
Chapter 9
Lawson
I think about what Oakley said long into the night. About whether or not I might be asexual and what that means for me if true. I even do a good bit of researching on my phone before frustration leads me to giving up, more confused than ever.
Sleep is fitful.
I’m not surprised when one of my brothers finds me late morning, my mood surely broadcast across my face. Iamsurprised, however, by the brother.
“Hey,” Colton says, plopping down beside me on the deck. The day is sunny, and I have my laptop with me, trying to get a bit of lesson planning done before the start of the school year.
“Morning, Colt.”
He’s quiet for a minute, his foot bouncing. I’m guessing he didn’t think of what he’d say when he cornered me, only that he should. Brotherly duty and all.
I appreciate it, even if I don’t quite know what to say either.
Finally, he breaks the silence. “So. Oakley’s back. That’s nice.”
“Yeah,” I agree, although it’s not the first time we’ve talked about the man. As soon as I got back from my brief visit to Kansas, Remi all but chewed me out in front of the family for leaving so abruptly without a word. He forgave me quickly, even though I’m fairly positive there was nothing to forgive.
The only person who needed to know was Wendy. And she was all in favor of me dragging Oakley home.
Colton bobs his head in a nod. “And you seem…happier?”
“Suppose so.”
Although certainly no closer to understanding myself.
Colton looks off toward the mountains for a moment before letting out a groan. “I don’t know how to do this.”
“And…what is this?”
“Me trying to, I dunno, be supportive or whatever. You’re happier, but something’s still wrong. And don’t try to tell me it’s nothing. I thought it was the divorce, but you barely flinched once those papers were filed. And now you’re smiling again, but there’s something in your eyes I don’t understand. I’ve never claimed to be the best at this stuff, but I’m here for you. And I wanna help, okay? We all do.”
“I’m grateful for that,” I say, my voice coming out hoarse. “I am, Colt. But I think some journeys we need to take alone.”
His face scrunches up. “Yeah, I call bullshit on that. Every journey is better with a friend.”
I grunt, and he turns to face me more fully, voice firm.
“I think you’re scared of whatever it is you’re feeling because you don’t understand it, and you’ve always prided yourself on understanding everything before any of the rest of us. It’s not a weakness to ask for help, Law. One of us might understand what you’re going through. If you’re making yourselfsuffer as punishment for what happened with Laura, well, then stop it. I think you’ve suffered enough, don’t you?”
His words cause my breath to catch in my throat, an emotion that feels suspiciously like guilt curling in my chest.
Have I been punishing myself for a two-decade-long fuck-up? I want to deny it, but I let myself sit in a sad place for a long time, didn’t I? I didn’twantto feel better. Not unless it was Oakley doing the cheering up, but he wasn’t here to do it.
And I didn’t even tell him the half of it, did I? I could have, and he would have shown up for me, just like he said. I know he would have.
