Vlad might be able to cover up my mistake with Wayne. We might be able to appeal the condemnation of the house. But nothing could change that I was a vampire. Listening to one more Christmas song might actually kill me. What the hell was I doing in Vermont?
Going harder at being human was a failure. I only had one option left. Actually, it had been my only option from the start.
Vampires drank blood, existed alone in the dark, and definitely didn’t celebrate Christmas. What had I been doing? Celebrating a holiday that I couldn’t pronounce? Had I lost my mind? I was a bloody vampire—literally!
Coconut water wasn’t in my diet.
Energy drinks weren’t in my diet, not even Bloodshot-flavored No Fear.
I looked up to see Heaven standing nearby. I thought she was going to console me, but instead she said, “Don’t worry. I got that on camera.”
I laughed, but then I slumped over again. “What have I been doing decorating trees and dating Santa? I’ve lost my mind, Heaven.”
“You’re fine. Who hasn’t lost their mind over Santa Claus, especially a fine-ass Santa like Tyrone?” She pointed at the plastic Santa face down in the snow. “Girl, you might just have some daddy issues to work through.”
“No, it’s loneliness,” I said, still lying in the snow next to the plastic lawn ornament. “That’s what Dr. R said, but more of an existential loneliness than an I-don’t-have-any-friends variety.”
“Whatever. I call it like I see it and you gots daddy issues.”
“What does it even matter?”
I knew what I needed to do.
I needed to leave. Valentine wasn’t for me.
I’d misinterpreted the Happily Ever After hearse. I’d thought it was a sign, but everyone else saw it for what it was: a joke. It was taunting me.I’d been misreading everything, straining to make reality fit my fairy tale.
“Come inside, Tiff. It’s snowing on us.”
In the entryway, we stomped the snow off our shoes. I said, “Heaven, I need to get out of here. Do you want to come with?”
“Now?” She looked out the window. “I know we can’t die, but it’s really coming down out there. Didn’t you get that travel advisory alert on your phone?”
I was a vampire, and I laughed in the face of Mother Nature. “I’m not going to let some bureaucrat from the National Weather Service who decided to send an alert change my day.”
I hadn’t drained Wayne, but the next guy might not be so lucky. What was a little snow going to do to me? I couldn’t freeze to death. I couldn’t drown. It’s not like the snow was going to chop my head off or stake me.
“Tiffenie, there is no way in hell I’m getting in a car tonight.”
“Suit yourself. I’m sure Vlad will drive you when you’re ready to leave. Tomorrow maybe? Before the city knocks the place down, anyway.”
“I thought you were going to figure out who you were and what you wanted, maybe slow down a little?”
“I’m a vampire, Heaven. I guess I needed to come to Vermont to remind myself. Any figuring out I have left, I’d prefer not to do it while living on a condemned Hallmark set.”
Heaven accepted my decision and opted to stay in Vermont until the bitter end. “I like it here.”
Twenty minutes later, I had the back of the hearse packed. Cat was in her carrier, yowling in protest. I’d thrown in a few things but left most. Wayne might as well take a wrecking ball to my life. I left my baskets of anti-aging creams and my LED mask. I was a vampire. It was time to stop spending money on anti-aging products. Plus, I couldn’t find the charger for the mask anyway. And I left all of the bridesmaid gowns and coats I wore to parties a hundred years ago. What was I doing being in weddings for other women in the secretarial pool? They didn’t know me well enough to be my friend. They just needed a fifth bridesmaid to walkdown the aisle with the groom’s weird cousin who someone decided had to be in the wedding.
It was just me, Cat, and some sweatpants. On second thought, I grabbed that jar of Crème de la Mer. J.Lo swears by La Mer, and she looks better than a vampire.
By the time I’d loaded up the car, it was covered in snow. Heaven and the weathercasters were right. It was coming down at advisory levels. I was trying to scrape the ice off the windshield while the wipers were going because it was a two-man job.
“Tiffenie, what are you doing?” Vlad walked out to the car, the collar flipped up on his overcoat.
“I’m leaving, Vlad. Some of the wisdom I’ve gained in this immortal existence is knowing when I’ve failed. And I have one hundred percent without a doubt failed at running a bed-and-breakfast in Vermont.” I couldn’t even believe that sentence had just come out of my mouth.
I would have liked to peel out of the driveway and leave some rubber on the road, but a couple of weeks of Vermont driving let me know that wasn’t a good idea. I would only make it into the ditch.
